Learn from patients with pain similar to yours

CatchMyPain Community and Pain Diary App to manage chronic illness

Marital problems

Nov 05, 2015 3:03 PM

My husband, keeps complaining he has to do things for me, like go to the pharmacy, he accuses me of not being ill at all, and using it to get out of work... Even though I've had the same job for 15years, and still on the payroll... Among other things he says... What the hell is his problem?

Nov 05, 2015 3:04 PM

I'm sorry about this :( if only the ones we love could understand what we live through every day :(

Nov 05, 2015 6:03 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that. It is so hard when the people we love don't understand. It is something that I really worry about.

Nov 05, 2015 6:20 PM

Sorry so very sorry you have to deal with this. I'll give u some advice I've gotten from other members here. Have u invited him to go with you to your doctor appointment or record your visit and have him listen t it. Sometime it just takes a while for our family to fully understand and to see the pain your in. Most people who don't not have chronic pain but are close to us go into a denial of the reality of chronic pain. It hurts them that their loved one is in pain and there is nothing they can do. They get frustrated and sadly take it out on us. I'll hope and pray that he comes around very soon.

Nov 05, 2015 7:12 PM

They don't understand, what we go through, let alone they don't feel our pain,so to most people who see us don't see a physical illness, so then they being to judge.

Nov 05, 2015 10:01 PM

He's been to doctors appointments with me and has seen me struggling. He thinks I sit around all day watching TV and playing computer games, which is what I'm doing when he comes home. But all day I've being tidying up, sorting things out by phone or emails, washing, cooking... Which used to take me a few hours, now it takes all day

Nov 06, 2015 1:11 AM

I was in that same place with mine years ago. 3 times marital theraphy, 2 separations and a divorce later he gets it as much as someone can that doesn't have it. Mine let me work, do 99 percent of the house and yard work.

I wish I had an answer that would help.

It sounds like you need to rearrange your schedule so you are exhausted and or hurting when he gets home so he can see it. I am not saying it will work but at least would eliminate that piece.

I told mine everything from I am killing myself trying to do it all and need help to I do stuff for you can you please do this for me. I even used the when I cook, clean, laundry and so on I don't just do mine I do yours too defense which was a great way to start a fight.

I couldn't even focus on my health to try and get better. Finally him moving out helped me to focus as i had told him if I am already doing it all and picking up after you all day imagine how much easier my life could be with you gone. And it was. Our son cleaned up better after himself than my husband. With him gone the house was clean, I could focus on eating right and had the time to keep a journal of what was going on while being a single parent and working full time.

Now I am not saying leave or anything like that only you know what is right for you. I just want to say i understand all to well what that feels like and it hurts like hell to love someone who it feels like doesn't care what you are going through.

From experience my advice would say let stuff go. If you can't cook or clean the world will not come to an end. Do the absolute have to's when your up to it pick up a couple of want to's. Do not run yourself ragged it will only make you worse and honestly mine doesn't seem to know or see the difference between mopped floor and swept floor, or a million other things.

I hope you find a resolution and that he gains some insight and empathy.

Nov 06, 2015 9:20 AM

Scrossy, I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's very hard for someone who does not struggle with constant pain to understand what it does to us. It sure isn't any fun, that's for sure. I used to get upset and angry but then thought about how one is supposed to understand pain when they have none. My Mom used to suffer migraines and I tell her to remember her worst one and then imagine it never going away. She does get it for a while and then it's gone again. I would ask him what the worst pain he ever suffered was.. If he remembers one, then tell him to imagine having that pain all day/night and never leaving you. It may bring some understanding. (If that doesn't work, give him a knee to the nuts and then ask him what he would do if that pain never went away... I don't think he'd question you ever again.. LOL!!๐Ÿ˜ณ) I am not making light of the situation, Just trying to bring some levity. It's like women having cramps.. It's not anything a man can ever understand because they were never made to have periods. It's the same with pain. If they are blessed enough not to suffer with it, they have a hard time grasping the concept. Have a conversation with him when you can be calm and when it's a relaxed time. It may help a whole lot. I'm sending you gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers. Know that you are never alone, we're all here to support you. ๐ŸŒป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

Nov 06, 2015 10:17 AM

I am in a similar situation. And the "man" (I put it in quotes because he's really behaving like a bloody child) has declared that doing things for me when I'm physically unable is NOT his responsibility. So i said to him calmly as possible doing your laundry and locking up after you is not my responsibly... Oh wait i said that street i tried to tell him that when you're in a relationship, it's a partnership so you share in doing things.

Mind you, I have been going to the store, when I'm too sick to be doing that (bc my chemical sensitivity is so severe i have to wear a double carbon mask in the stores and i still very sick because my skin absorbs the chemicals to which I'm so sensitive to), l was keeping the house mostly clean and keeping the kitchen clean so i could cook (because I'm on a special diet and he doesn't cook). Well one night i had cooked AND told him i was cooking, it was a few days after my last surgery. And this man-child had the nerve to stop by fast food and get something.

Anyway, I am leaving this relationship because i can't be with someone who isn't going to give me the respect i deserve for going out of my Way to make sure those things are done when i should be healing.

I have explained things to him over and over and OVER again. Really the only reason I'm still in this house (after him disappearing ALL night for Halloween, didn't come home until the next afternoon!) is because I've been too sick to pack my stuff and also my family members have been unable to help because of their health issues. (if this has been my house, I would have driven to town and changed the locks on him for the disappearing act (he told me he was on his way home at 11, and never showed. I tried getting in touch with him to no avail. I didn't know if he was dead in a ditch or what.... Whatever it was like dรจja vu.)

Anyway, I absolutely understand what you are going through. There are no easy answers, but it takes a special kind of person to deal with these things.

You could try not doing all the things that you're doing around the house and focus on picking up your own prescriptions and show him that you only have so much energy to do things. Yeah I wouldn't recommend it because all i have to show for it is a disgusting kitchen, which i abhor and a man who ignores me because he has to as he put it "take care of himself doesn't need shit from me." well okay big boy, live with a disgusting house. I'm not dealing with it.

I am having to call my mom to go pick up my prescriptions for me and done 30 minutes or of her way to bring them to me. That sucks. Especially when the whole family knows he's in town and can freaking do it.

I hope you can find a solution. When you do, please let me know.
Big hugs.

Nov 06, 2015 10:40 AM

I know what you mean. He goes out to his mates, after work til God knows what time, then when he comes home asks if I've done his dinner, no I have done your bloody dinner! Cheek or what! That's it then... I'm lazy, I've done nothing all day while he's been at work

Nov 06, 2015 11:25 AM

I'm telling you that kick may do some good!! ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’•

Nov 06, 2015 11:50 AM

Thinking pointy toed cowboy boots with the kick!

Nov 06, 2015 11:53 AM

I agree. Kick him in the shins too. That hurts like a mofo.

Nov 06, 2015 12:53 PM

I like the pointy toe cowboy boot idea best.. Really drive the point home!!๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜œLOL!!

Nov 06, 2015 9:13 PM

Yay! For pointy toe boots for the boys Hehehe

Nov 07, 2015 10:28 PM

Scrossy, I'm so sorry you are struggling through not only physical health problems, but emotional & relationship issues as well. It seems the younger generations have a much harder time with the concept of what a true relationship entails; commitment to each other 110%. And sadly, from watching the men in my own distant family, they seem to act like little boys, demanding everything the way they did with their mothers who 8 of 10 times spoiled them. My own daughter's & neices/cousins are/were both with men who take but never give. That's selfishness pure and simple. I don't think anything will change in selfish people, who always take but never give (or give with resentment).

It took my hubby 5+ years to understand and comprehend, as best he could, the full realm of my medical conditions. And every now and then he'll say something like, "I just wish you'd get better so you could work again." That's when I have to bring him back to the reality of me never improving or working again. He goes to many appt with me, unlike many others on here. He hears and mostly comprehends. But sometimes... ugh!

All you can do is your best. You've been given some good advice already. You just have to do some soul searching and figure out some things, like "what is best for my health?"; " Is there anything I can or should do different around the house (like getting rx but not washing laundry that day), or how can I better help him understand?; Is being in a one sided relationship where i want to be? ". These are serious things to think about, and not decisions to be made rashly. They're not easy ones to make either. Figure out your pros and cons in your relationship; figure out what's worth continuing or letting go. Trust me when I say, though we've been married 34 years, it has not been smooth sailing. We've had several very bad bumps in the road. We almost split but decided we could make it work because of our commitment to each other. You're in my thoughts and prayers! )((Hugs))) ๐Ÿ™๐ŸŒผ

Nov 08, 2015 8:58 AM

Flappsy, as always, words of levelheadedness and wisdom. You are, indeed articulate and helpful. (More than my rude, but kinda funny, kick in the j ewels!!) I was just trying to bring some levity to a dark situation. Sometimes when I'm feeling shitty I can get a bit extreme.. LOL!! The voice of reason that always helps me.. Flappsy, you're a dear friend. {{{{Hugs}}}๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐ŸŒป๐Ÿ˜Š

Ready to start relieving your pain?

Join Community