I used to be a Jumper. I rode horses at great speeds or high fences. I used to train horses and teach children and even adult how to ride. I used to love dancing. I love riding motorcycles with my man. I used to love being outside. I used to hangout with friends. But everything I was is gone. Now all I hope to do is playing with my son. He is a gift I never thought I could have. He is turning 3 and my baby is going to be a big boy. He tells me soon I'll be a man mommy. I can still work and the work I loved is now getting to hard to do well anymore. Or my heart just isn't in it. When I get home from work I can't play with my baby and I feel like a horrible person. I just want rest. And even sitting down "resting" is never rest.
Last night I laid awake thinking about how my life has been ruined because of my anxieties and now the pain and anxiety. I thought if only someone knew and could have treated me properly maybe I would have finished school. Maybe I wouldn't be stuck in my life maybe I would have lived it.
I know dwelling is bad and does nothing but it bothers me that only now do I understand what is wrong with me and that I am not alone.