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My Life

Nov 07, 2016 10:55 AM

I used to be a Jumper. I rode horses at great speeds or high fences. I used to train horses and teach children and even adult how to ride. I used to love dancing. I love riding motorcycles with my man. I used to love being outside. I used to hangout with friends. But everything I was is gone. Now all I hope to do is playing with my son. He is a gift I never thought I could have. He is turning 3 and my baby is going to be a big boy. He tells me soon I'll be a man mommy. I can still work and the work I loved is now getting to hard to do well anymore. Or my heart just isn't in it. When I get home from work I can't play with my baby and I feel like a horrible person. I just want rest. And even sitting down "resting" is never rest.
Last night I laid awake thinking about how my life has been ruined because of my anxieties and now the pain and anxiety. I thought if only someone knew and could have treated me properly maybe I would have finished school. Maybe I wouldn't be stuck in my life maybe I would have lived it.

I know dwelling is bad and does nothing but it bothers me that only now do I understand what is wrong with me and that I am not alone.

Nov 07, 2016 11:05 AM

We have something frightening in common and now I can feel like I'm not alone! And I have a question, may I please have your phone number if in the U. S.? Please let me know if I can get it. Thank you and God bless you with hugs and love and stay strongπŸ’ͺ! You're doing greatπŸ‘πŸ˜‡

Nov 07, 2016 11:13 AM

I'd like to help you out! I'd like to be a guardian angel for you!πŸ˜‡

Nov 07, 2016 3:12 PM

Hi Br13, I'm sorry you're feeling down and know that you are NOT a horrible person. You are doing the best you can for your baby.
I've found the trick isn't to think about the past and the what ifs because those thoughts will only bring you down even more. Concentrate on what you can do and try to pace yourself. Maybe cut down on your working hours a bit to give you the time to rest and recoup so you can play with your baby.
I know all to well how hard life is with pain and anxiety. at the moment I can't even go to the supermarket on my own without having a panic attack. I'm receiving CBT counselling which I've only just started. It maybe something you should look into? It will try to help with how your mindset is and how to change the negative thoughts into positive thoughts.
I hope you're having a pain free day xx

Nov 08, 2016 1:28 PM

Br13, it is part of grieving what is lost of our old life, which strengthens us to move forward into our new life filled with pain, our new normal. There may come a day when you realize you can no longer work, or you'd rather be home while your son is young. Either way, it doesn't devalue who you are. You will have to do what's best for you. Maybe cutting back an hour or two each day could be helpful. Or if possible, ask for intermittent FMLA and ask your doctor to fill out the papers for you. Then you can take off when you need based on your base times.

It's normal to feel depression and anxiety. Most of us have at times. But you are stronger than you think you are, and you will get through it. And you have us to count on for support. I left work temporarily in 2010 for major surgery that through complications turned into 5-in-1 procedures. I needed a year to recuperate, so they said. But fibro and many other issues decided to jump on board while I was down. After 4 years, waiting & hoping to get better and return to work, I realized and accepted I'd never work again. I've been on a downhill runaway health train since 2010. I had to grieve everything I've lost before I was able to mentally accept and go forward, focusing on all I still have. It was turning off the switch to negative thinking and replacing it with the little pieces of positivity. I am not who i use to be but thank God I'm still able to see the positive aspects of my life and my abilities. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Hugs love & prayers for strength to get through this! πŸ™‚πŸ’•πŸ™πŸŒΈ

Nov 08, 2016 6:29 PM

Well said Flappys and Sezzy! This is a difficult journey and everyone has a slightly different path. Make time for those you love and bring Joy into your life! Do not waste time looking for something that is not there and create a place that you can be the best you can be!

Nov 08, 2016 7:53 PM

I will never do what I could and I may not be ok with it but I have learned to cope. The problem is and this sounds dumb but I only have fibro and no other issues. I can work and I am in a field that expects too much with no pay, however I am not equipped in any other field at the moment. I need Healthcare. My job does not offer it so I must work as many hours as possible to afford it. If I work less then this sounds funny but I can get at least on ACCHS government insurance but they say I make too much money.

Nov 08, 2016 7:54 PM

At the moment. And if I work less I cannot afford to live. Stupid issues. But they weight on my mind

Nov 08, 2016 7:55 PM

Thank you for your input I truly appreciate.

Nov 09, 2016 12:49 PM

Br13, don't ever feel your thoughts and concerns are stupid. They aren't. I understand what you are saying. What about going to the state labor office and see if they have classes to give you training elsewhere to change fields. Our local office do that for those who are in the lowest paid labor field. It can't hurt to check. Big (((hugs) & prayers you will find a way to less stress! πŸ™‚πŸ’•πŸ™πŸŒΈ

Nov 09, 2016 1:11 PM

Until I go back to school. I am where I am unfortunately. Isn't not bad but I hate being tired to /painful after work and not being of any use afterwards. . I'm fi

Nov 09, 2016 1:12 PM

Just frustrated as all he'll but I know things will change.

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