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Need a little heart support

Nov 04, 2016 5:24 PM

So most of y'all may remember my troubles with my boyfriend. Things are still in a rough spot. Everyone is hurting and struggling right now. I know what he did is wrong however,its hard for me to just let go. It's been seven years of friendship and then love with this person. And I know he regrets his actions but now the baby is here and I'm feeling guilty because she is a beautiful bady but when I look at her all I see and feel is my pain and disappoiment in him and the fact that I'll never be able to have thst experience.
Before you ask I asked him if thr child was born yet and then I asked for a picture. It's not like he is flaunting the situation at all. But that's also another point his other two kids he loves and is so proud of them a d shows them off. And even though I know he will love and care for this new child also still I wonder how he will integrate her into the family unit. I mean he's not made her public which is good I suppose.
And I'm sure most of u guys are saying why am I concering myself with this. I know I'm really not the issue here it's just hard to not be curious.
I just need any advice or tips or whatever on how to get over this or to get through this .

Nov 04, 2016 6:01 PM

I'm a little too new on here to know the situation so I'm going to ask a few questions before I can say anything so I don't unintentionally upset you and please if you don't want to talk about it then tell me to mind my own business.
I take it he cheated on you. Are you two still a couple?
His other children, are they with you or from a previous relationship?
It's only natural to be curious

Nov 04, 2016 6:34 PM

You are only making it harder on yourself by not cutting the chord completely.
He'll figure out how to integrate the result of his cheating into his family and life. That's not your problem.
It's natural to be sad that you won't be able to have kids.
It's not the kids fault that he's an ass so as long as you are not mad at her for her existence then it's all good. Feeling disappointment and pain over what he did is also normal.
Please, please, please don't take him back. he can't be trusted. You are worth more than his lies and unfaithfulness.
I have no experience with this but my aunt cut all ties with my uncle when he told her his girlfriend was pregnant. She didn't go to my grandpas funeral.
My cousin also cut all ties with his wife as soon as he was able to get out (they had to sell the house) after she brought her boyfriend home and flaunted it infront of him after he decided to make a career change.

Nov 04, 2016 6:42 PM

Sexy,.. I don't mind at all... yes we've been together for seven years and when I got sick I moved home to my parents house. Three hours away. I've been her two years. Yes the other two girls are from an other relationship before we met.

Nov 04, 2016 7:39 PM

I didn't mean to be rude in my post and I'm sorry if it came across that way. I just want you to take care of yourself and not set yourself up for more hurt from him.

Nov 04, 2016 7:42 PM

No gotobef,i know where your coming from. I appreciate your advice it is wise and caring. My logical side knows it's best to just step away. But my emotional side is still trying to process this.

Nov 04, 2016 8:08 PM

It's a grieving process. it'll take time. just remember your online family here loves you and wants the best for you. You can get through this. please don't take his cheating ass back

Nov 04, 2016 8:21 PM

It does hurt so much. He was the last piece from my former life. Life before pain and meds and doctors. I know I sound like a broken record and that your words are not getting through but they are. I just wish it didn't feel so lonely. And the fact that I can't say anything to my familybecause they would just rub it in.

Nov 04, 2016 8:34 PM

Not my business but none of the children are yours?

Nov 04, 2016 8:48 PM

No..not by birth. However the first two I've been with and help raise for the last seven years.

Nov 04, 2016 9:08 PM

I know you want to hold on the that little peice of life before illness. We all do. We all need to learn to let it go so that we can move forward and start healing, if not physically it will help emotionally to let the past go and live in the present. I know that's hard because i struggle with that too. Only what i havent let go of from life before illness isn't toxic and damaging like your relationship with him.
I know you are getting what I'm saying. And that your probably getting annoyed by it. But i feel that you need me to remind you that you are worth more than the abuse you get from all sides which is why i keep saying the same thing to you.
I wish you weren't so lonely and that you were closer to me. We would go out for tea or have a day in eating poorly and watching cartoons. i think if your friends were closer and you had someone you could see every day or two it would help so much and you wouldnt be so lonely and you would be able to let go a little easier. Not saying it would be easy at all but a real shoulder to cry on and real physical hugs do make a difference.
But since we are no where near each other all i can offer are words and virtual hugs and a virtual shoulder for your tears. i know it's not enough but I'm hoping it helps a little.

Nov 04, 2016 9:13 PM

Thank you... yes..all my close friends are back in the city. Or they have moved to other state. I do spend a large amount of time texting and or on the phone trying to stay connected. I am planning to find a counselor actually ordered by my doctor to help me cope better with my life now. But my focus is in getting through this surgery

Nov 04, 2016 9:17 PM

And I'm not annoyed...i do tend to be stubborn and having constant reminders help. Only true friends can risk getting to close and touching nerves in the efforts to help another. It's also hard to try and foster new friendships because I'm so limited in what I can do. I'd have to visit and just sit and talk and most people want to go out and do stuff. I use to love doing that all time. Going to Parks movies ect.

Nov 04, 2016 9:53 PM

Well you need to keep posting when you need help so that i can keep reminding you that you are worth more, even when it gets annoying to you.
You need to pick another ill person for a friend, or a very socially awkward introvert that is quite happy sitting at home watching cartoons. (I'm both) 😉
I hope you can get in to see someone soon. It's not the same as a friend, but I'm sure it'll help.
Hugs

Nov 05, 2016 5:54 AM

I'm really sorry that I haven't been on earlier I couldn't find the thread until now (don't know why but probably brain fog).
Gotobef is soo utterly and completely right. If he truly cared and loved you he wouldn't of cheated.
I take it that when you moved back to your mums, you and him weren't living together?

Nov 05, 2016 6:20 AM

I could say soo much here but I would be well and truly overstepping the mark!
Well here I go anyway....sorry....if you were living together and he loved you that much, he would of tried to convince you to stay there with him so he could care for you and looked after you so you wouldn't of had to go back to your mum. And if you were still stubborn enough to go back to your mum he would of found a way to make it work and wouldn't of cheated on you.

I'm sorry if saying that upsets you but my aunt and uncle only see each other at weekends and when they go on holiday. Because my uncle can't get a decent paid job where they live he spends Monday to Friday working in London and drives the three and a half hours back home every Friday night and leaves home at 4:30am to drive to work Monday morning. They've been doing this for the past 20 years and neither of them have cheated on each other. They call each other everyday to find out how their days have been.

I would say for you and your happiness you need to cut ties with him. How do you know if he's not seeing someone else now or if he's seeing the new babies mum still....
What he's done is not your fault, it is his fault and if he truly loved and cared for you he wouldn't of gone off with someone else.

He's using you as his way of justifying what he's done, he's making you feel guilty for something that is NOT your fault, he's trying to transfer his guilt on to you.
HE'S ABUSING YOUR LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF.

Please listen to gotobef you really don't need or want this man in your life.

Sending you some {{{BIG GENTLE HEALING LOVING HUGS}}} I know it's not the same but I'm soo far away from you but I do soo very much wish I could be with you to give you a proper big hug and tell you it will be ok xx

Nov 05, 2016 6:25 AM

Newfibrogirl I've just reread your post and in the very first sentence you say my boyfriend.....does that mean your still together? Or did you mean to write my "EX" boyfriend?
I know your surgery is very important so after when you are healing please take up the counselling....CBT counselling will probably be the best counselling for you because like me you know and can talk about it so the normal talking therapies don't really make that much of a difference but the CBT counselling helps to change your negative mindset into a positive mindset. It can give you the tools to help you move forward with skills to help keep yourself from falling back into negative thought patterns and negative thoughts. PLEASE consider it seriously and go in to it with an open mind.....a little warning tho - the first few sessions may make you feel worse because it's bringing up things you'd rather keep locked away but after that you will find that it will help.

You're in my prayers that you will come out the other side of all this a much stronger and happier person who will find someone who will love and care for you just like you deserve xxx

Nov 05, 2016 6:51 AM

"Everyone is hurting and struggling right now".......No, you are hurting, he's just upset he got caught.... He doesn't regret anything, that went out the window as soon as he decided to cheat on you, he regrets getting CAUGHT.If you can't have the experience of having a baby.......he's rubbed that right in your face by sleeping with and getting another person pregnant,unfortunately he's flaunting the situation by the shear fact of him having a baby!! Seven years of friendship and then a relationship went down the drain the moment he cheated, he CHOSE to cheat, it wasn't a mistake. Unfortunately there is no way of dressing this up nicely to make it sound better....You are the innocent party here,you will only cause yourself more stress,hurt,physical pain...etc Concentrate on YOU and your up coming surgery, it's ok to be on your own(relationship wise), yes it's scary, and maybe part of it is having the "support" of someone after your surgery that you are worried about because if you don't have your partner to support you that may be causing anxiety, but that isn't a reason to stay with someone, you have to stand strong, sometimes that means on your own in really difficult situations. 😊

Nov 05, 2016 8:44 AM

I do tend to go back and forth with calling him an ex or just boyfriend. This all so new and I'm not really dealing with it all at once. Since most days the pain takes over.
Everything you all said is exactly right and I've always been way more patient with people then I should be. In his case, I don't know why I can't just cut him loose. I've had other ex's thst have done way less things and they hit the curb so hard. I still have so many questions to ask him so I can reconcile my feelings on this. And the fact I can't talk to my physical family about this is hard also. I appreciate all of your comments and can feel the true concern and it does help.

Nov 05, 2016 8:44 AM

JAHMAC, that was absolutely brilliantly stated and I agree totally!!!

Nov 05, 2016 9:11 AM

Newfibrogirl you are such a lovely strong person remember that more than anything else in the world.
You don't need people like him dragging you backwards because that's all that will happen with staying in touch with him.
I know it's not the same but I'm here if you need to talk....I can be very good at giving advice but following it myself.....well that's a different story all together!!!! Lol

Nov 05, 2016 8:43 PM

New, you are worth so much more than the way he has treated you. I know it's hard to let him go, but you need to focus on YOU right now, not some two timing little boy like your ex. And yes he is a little boy, because a man would not have treated you, or these other women, or his children this way. As long as you allow him to continue to treat you like this he will continue to do so. You do not deserve it and don't let him make you feel like it is in any way your fault. Nothing you do can "make" someone else do something that they don't want to. Remember he made the willing choice to betray your trust.

Nov 06, 2016 1:27 PM

Big super loving hugs!!!
Betrayal is a bitch.... I agree with Gotobef ... And everyone else.
We all see your value and worth. You are worth respect and love.
It is so sad that he is not able to be that person.

It even more difficult being surrounded by your family and their lack of compassion and support . It makes it hard to let go.

I'm sorry your have been so mistreated and I feel so bad for him that he hates himself so much to be cutting out such a lovely and generous soul by making these hurtful and selfish choices.

Let him go ...

More hugs ...

Nov 06, 2016 5:39 PM

Newfibrogirl, I know your gentle caring heart & compassion. And curiosity is only natural. Everyone's suggestions is correct. As the saying goes, "a leopard can't change his spots" is very true. Sadly my daughter's heart was broken by just such a man. He convinced her to meet his first child from a tryst relationship, and because she loved him dearly she accepted him and the child. He convinced her to keep that info from her family. We only found out after he returned from military duty & ended their engagement. The very first night he returned home he knocked up another girl he'd been in contact with. The whole year our daughter waited for his return she was setting up them a permanent home. She found out 2 months later about his second tryst when he told her he felt he had to marry this other girl. She is not one to be walked on twice. She wished him well and never looked back. It took her 2+ years to even look at another man seriously.

Please focus on yourself. Take the high road, with him well, and tell him it's 100% over. Otherwise you leave yourself available for more heartbreak and treatment you don't deserve. You're worth much more than him or those like him. Sending hugs love and prayers for strength, & comfort & support from us all to get through this. You are loved and appreciated here! 🙂💕🙏🌸

Nov 06, 2016 6:32 PM

You need to cut him off completely, New. Don't be friends with him or anything else. It seems he wasn't as serious about the relationship as you and probably would have cheated anyway, sick or not, 3 hours away, or 5 minutes away. You're only hurting yourself by not letting go. You are a precious treasure of God and you deserve someone who will treat you with care and respect.

Nov 06, 2016 7:09 PM

I was in a long relationship similar to what you describe after much work, change, and time we tried again and it just was never the same. His youngest I raised from 4 months to 4 years old.....she called me mommy 😢. It was tough but it's been almost a year now and it feels like it was the right choice for everyone. Hope you can find peace and happiness soon.

Nov 06, 2016 8:11 PM

I am working on it guys I really am. This is really hard it's as if it's all coming down in me at once. All I can say is I'm trying and its gonna take me a while to use to the idea of not talking to him and not talking to the girls, especially the little one. She is already having a hard time adjusting to a new school. I know, she not my child I get it. But know this child since she was 6mo. She just turned 8 thsts a life time.

Nov 06, 2016 8:15 PM

Did you mean to write not talking to him?

Nov 06, 2016 8:23 PM

I know it's hard, especially after you've been with him for soo long and his kids have been a big part of your life but talking to him will only make things harder for you. You need to concentrate on yourself and even just talking to him is going to leave you open for more heartache and it will only drag you down more.
Please think carefully about still being friends with him....will he try to convince you to start again? What if he starts seeing someone else (if he hasn't already!), how will that make you feel?
If he really cared for you he wouldn't of gone off and made someone else pregnant.
We're you living together before you went to live with your mum?

Nov 06, 2016 8:28 PM

No..we didn't live together before hand. And before I left the city he did suggest and offer for me to move in with him. I thought about but at the time is seemed to better decision to come home.

Nov 06, 2016 8:50 PM

He obviously didn't push the idea too much and maybe you had a gut feeling (unconsciously) that it was better to go home.
Sometimes we have to make hard decisions to do what is best for us. I feel that you need to sit down and really think whether staying friends with your ex is going to help you in the long run or whether it will drag you down and cause you more heartache and disappointment.

We are only trying to help you because we care about you and don't want to see you hurt more than you already are xx

Nov 06, 2016 9:11 PM

Sweetie you are too nice. You need to look after you and you can't do that when you hold on the abusers.
I know that if i was ever cheated on I'd end up in jail, either on murder charges or assult with a weapon because I'd cut all the man parts off.

Nov 06, 2016 10:07 PM

This one seemed on topic

Nov 22, 2016 11:55 PM

Ik I'm late but is it hard to let go of him because of his 2 older children? I also am unable to have a child and I have a stepdaughter (she's an adult now). Sometimes I think I made it work was because I loved the idea of having my family. I didn't want her growing up w/o seeing it. Is that why it's so hard to let go?

Nov 24, 2016 5:54 AM

❤❤❤like a beautiful butterfly... its time to spread ur wings and fly❤❤❤we got ur back hunni❤❤❤u r worth more than that baby-girl... run for the hills 😚

I agree with Jah...hes sad cos he got caught! Sorry... life is hard enuff as it is without this kinda stress. ☔

🤗Now u have had ur surgery... its time for a transformation😄 of mind and body... its TIME for YOU 🤗

Nov 24, 2016 5:59 AM

I came back ...for my 4 kids sake... after he had an affair for several months... now im trapped and my kids are all grown... and they told me i was wrong to come back... dont get trapped 10 years down the line like i am xxx

Sending u strength and understanding karma angel xxx

Nov 24, 2016 7:39 AM

Oh no Lulabel that's terrible. Is there no way you can leave? To spread your beautiful wings?
I'm so sorry you're trapped you deserve soo much more and to be happy
Sending you all my positive vibes, karma and prayers xxx

Nov 24, 2016 7:55 AM

One day Sezy... one day 😘
ThanQ so much sweetheart 🤗
... until then i just BREATHE! One day 🤗

Nov 24, 2016 8:01 AM

Until that one day Lulabel you can lean on us and we'll help you get thro your time till then....breathe and we're here xx

Nov 24, 2016 8:56 AM

🤗As i am for u too sweetheart 🤗

Nov 24, 2016 9:05 AM

Sorry you went through that Lulabel and that you're stuck now.
I do want to comment on the staying together for the kids.... if anyone is going to tough it out for the kids sake or thinking about staying for the kids sake DONT. Please please please don't. You might think you are doing your kids a favor but you are not.
As the child of a family that stayed together until the kids were done school so that it wouldn't affect the kids I'm begging you not to do that.
My home was so toxic that I didn't want to be there ever but living out in the country with no vehicle i had no choice so i hid in my room or out in the back of the acreage with a book so i could live in someone else's world. My younger brother drank, a lot, starting in junior high, that was his escape.
So please, even if you think it'll be better for the kids, don't. Kids are very emotionally sensitive and even if there is no fighting there will be tension and the kids will pick up on that and it will make it harder.
I wish my parents had just split instead of staying together another 6 years. It would have been harder off the start but long term I think the damage would have been less. Maybe my parents could be in the same room now if they hadn't tried to suck it up for so long that it turned to absolute hatred and wishing harm on one another. (That made my brothers wedding very tense, they were told not to talk to each other and if anything started they'd both be kicked out).
I know not all of the staying together for the kids sake gets that bad but I do think I'm permanently traumatized from it, especially since I was what they fought about most instead of the real problems. And my parents were always trying to get me on their side and against the other one.
Rant over
Sorry if this offended anyone but it's how i feel on this based on my experience

Nov 25, 2016 2:22 AM

Hi GTB...😚 im so sorry u had to go thru that angel... no child should have to go thru that sweetpea🤗

☔My situation is slightly different here... it was a logistical problem that brought me back...🤗 i had to move back 🤔into the family home on the best side of town... 🐫because i was housed in the roughest part of town... more like the middle of Beruit, 😣where my kids were being spat at in the street, and beaten, for being gay. 😣Police raids all hours of the morning.. drugs, stolen property dogs and pure fear based anguish when anyone left the house.☔

🤗So i came back to our 6bed house, with a pool... 🤔where my children were safe to walk home from the better school in town...without harassment or judgment 😐 or attack.

We dont argue at all...🤔in fact he has ignored me for years ☔to the point that i am invisible in his eyes...😎 i am happy doing my own thing... its not quite as bad as ur experience GTB... but i hear u... its not good to stay...🤗 my children were much worse off at the time when i left b4. 3 out of 4 still live at home here with me...🤔none of them really have much to do with him... i guess its my fault for coming back!

One day i will find my wings and fly...one day 😚

Nov 25, 2016 5:45 AM

I'm sorry you ended up in the bad part of town and your kids were getting picked on.
That's very different than staying together so that the kids don't have to move or have their lives disrupted.
I'm glad your kids feel safe at home with both of you there.
Hugs

Nov 25, 2016 5:55 AM

Least i tried... 😂shame i had to come back to feel safe again... 😎my kids are definitely better off for it... 😚not cos theres two of us tho... 🤗i deal with the kids... hes just been a shouty bully 😠for the best part of 20 years... 😰so they avoid him... and he stands behind me...never says anything when the chips are down! 😑So my kids respect and adore me... tell me everything... sadly he has no respect for them... so they have none for him.😶 shame but not my fault 🤗

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