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Need some support from my peeps

Jun 08, 2016 8:27 AM

Hey everyone. I hope that this finds y'all having a peaceful day and light pain. I've been very harried and stressed to the point my hair is falling out, my stomach is so bad that I throw up if I eat more than a small amount of food and have nightmares, palpitations, the shakes and am in an extreme flare of RSD/CRPS. I've had a migraine for a week. Ok, to business.. My Godfather who is 99 years old is dying. I'm sad but he's lived a good long life and he's ready to go. The last 2 times his daughter went to North Carolina for an event for her grandchildren I have gone over throughout the day to keep him company and chat with him. Well, there have been plans to go to a high school graduation since last year and I said I'd look in on him. Well, in the last week he has taken such a decline, he's in bed, in diapers and will only take maybe 2 tablespoons of applesauce and not even an inch of water in a glass a day. He's shutting down. I've been going over and she showed me how to get him up, to change him, etc.. The closer it has gotten, it's too much. I can't take care of him on my own. I spoke to her about bringing in a hospice nurse and she said no. I told her I'm afraid to watch him alone. If he falls I can't get him up. He has end stage COPD and he just wants to lay in the bed. He's tired. I told her that I think he's waiting for her to give him permission to let go and cross over. She said she's "not ready". I told her she'd never be ready but it would be a kindness to her father and he shouldn't be let to linger like that. I think that she's upset with me. I now no longer know what's happening and who is going to be with him. I feel like I fucked up the entire family's trip (but then again, they should be home with their dying father/grandfather and not going to some graduation party.) maybe I'm wrong, my brain is all over the place.
Next my aunt who went into the hospital and found out she has lung cancer and had pneumonia is now in hospice and they have her heavily sedated. She knows she's dying. The cancer is so aggressive that it was growing from the mere use of oxygen to help her breathe. She was in pain and shutting down so items matter of days now. She's 67 years old and was so full of life and loves her kids and grandkids. Her daughter and husband are beside themselves. I am so stressed I can't even offer them comfort and I couldn't go see her because I knew I'd cry and didn't want to upset her, she doesn't need that. I tell her daughter every day to tell her that I love her and give her a hug and kiss from me. At this point she's mostly sleeping and on heavy duty morphine drip.
I'm beside myself and upset for all these people and feel like I'm a letdown. I wanted to watch my Godfather but how could I keep an eye on him 24hrs when I need meds and also, I don't want to be the one to get up in the morning and find him dead either.
I apologize that this was so long winded and I understand those who didn't read the entire post. I want y'all to know that my pain family is always in my thoughts and prayers and I am here for any and all of you who need me. Much love, {{{Hugs}}} and prayers to you all. Have a blessed day. πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜Š

Jun 08, 2016 9:33 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through that. That's a lot of stress.
You didn't mess up anything. The family should be with your godfather when he is dying not partying. You shouldn't have to look after him when his condition has degraded so much. I think a hospice nurse is a great idea and I think his daughter is in denial and her being upset with you probably has nothing to do with you but the fact that you are making her face reality.
I'm sorry about your aunt.
You are not letting anyone down. You keep telling me not to be so hard on myself, I guess is my turn to say the same to you. You are being too hard on yourself.
Try to find something you enjoy to do our watch something that'll make you laugh.
Hugs

Jun 08, 2016 9:39 AM

Gotobef thank you!! I appreciate you putting that don't be so hard on yourself right back to me. I guess I should follow my own advice. I'm sorry the message was so long winded. I'm so scattered and upset. If I were younger and more able bodied I'd help more. I was over there and he was alone for 4 hours and didn't even know it. I got there and he needed his inhaler. I got it for him and dispensed it and got him some water which he refused to drink. He asked for his family and when he said who's here, I said "I am" He mouthed the words I'm sorry and told me to go home. So sad. I agree that I probably made her face something she didn't want to. I just feel guilty. I'll get over myself. Just needed to get it out. {{{Hugs}}} right back to you!! πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜Š

Jun 08, 2016 10:38 AM

Hi always,
I'm glad you got gotobef's message. Do relaxing and enjoyable things for yourself. That will help your pain and state of mind.
And I'm sorry for all the heartache you are having. I know you will miss your godfather and your aunt. I get the feeling there are others caring for them, that you are important but you are not their last and only hope. This brings me to ask: Who is caring for you?
In any event, like the instructions they give on airplanes; put your own oxygen on first.
I smiled when I saw your title, had just said to myself, "Now to check in with my peeps.".
Hope your day gets better.
Hugs back.

Jun 08, 2016 10:58 AM

Autoimmunes, thanks for your post. I appreciate it. Nobody is caring for me, I have to be the one to take care of everyone else!! LOL!!😜 it really hit a chord when you said put your own oxygen on first. I guess I've always been a caregiver and it's never been my way to not do something I said I would do. With my physicality I cannot get him up if he falls, he's 99. He won't eat or drink and he's just ready to go. I'll mourn him but I'll be happy he will finally be at peace. I guess I feel guilty and feel that if he lives another week and his daughter stayed home from her trip she will resent me for her missing her grandsons graduation. It's just how I feel. I know he's not my responsibility. My Aunt is also lingering between worlds and it's so sad because she's 67 and full of life, love and laughter. I'm heartbroken. Her daughter lives next door with her hubby so we got to see them every day. I'm going to find some distraction. {{{Hugs}}}πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜Š

Jun 08, 2016 4:00 PM

AlwayZ,. What Gotobef & Autoimmunes said is right on!! You did not mess up their plans by making her face the truth. The daughter shouldn't have put you in the position of trying to care for her father in his last hours/days, especially knowing of your own health needs and that of your own father. Hospice for your godfather is a great idea. Her father is going to die and just because she isn't ready won't change it. Being there is her responsibility, or at least to provide him the help via hospice. I'm sorry to hear your Aunt is in her last days. I know how you feel about going to see her. I wasn't able to get up to see my Aunt when she was dying, but she knew how much I loved her all throughout her life. And it was the same when my uncle was dying of cancer. But it still hurt, knowing they suffered. And I know you're hurting. (((Hugs))) my friend!! If you're unable to care for yourself you'll be of no help to other's. I'm so sorry you are under so much stress. It's making you sicker with the headaches and throwing up and such. You need rest, & relaxation for your own health. We caregivers can't always be there for everyone else...been there, done that. When it's at the expense of our own health, it's not worth it. Hug yourself, throw that punching glove away, grab your oxygen mask... And relax, breathe, and laugh! (((Hugs))) & prayers your own health will bounce back very soon! πŸ™‚πŸ’•πŸ™πŸŒΌπŸ˜˜

Jun 08, 2016 5:27 PM

Gosh, Alwayz, I feel for you trying to care for your Godfather and care for your own self. The poor man, yes his family should be there checking in with hospice. I don't get that. I know how hard it is as I was responsible for both of my parents at the end of their lives, but I stepped up and did it without any help from my vanishing brothers. I was in pain and having all manner of doc appts through the years they were failing. Had to buy a different auto so I could get both of them and their devices in for their doc appts.
I know everyone says look after yourself first, But that is really hard in your situation. I will wish for you to have a positive attitude toward your own wellbeing and an easier pain day and that the family gets home asap!!

Jun 09, 2016 1:12 AM

I have had CRPS/RSD pain and can't do much or anything else then. You've done so much! Hope you feel better soon!

Jun 09, 2016 1:32 AM

Hi alwayz,
I hope today was better for you and you've been able to find some inner peace through all the major challenges. I'm sorry you're going through so much. And I want to say, do go through it and not dwell in it as much as possible. Easy to say. I know.

I just remembered something I learned about pain, not to fight it but to let it flow through and away. When I've been up to it this has helped me, maybe it'll be of some use to you.
I'm sorry I wasn't online today. It's been way too hot here in ut. I know that sounds lame but MS makes me useless when I'm overheated. I really can't think straight or put one foot in front of the other when the temp is past the mid 70's and it's been in the 80-90's with no air conditioner in the house or car.

Well, I'm thinking about you. ((Hugs))

Jun 11, 2016 2:49 AM

Thank you all so very much for your support and your love and hugs and words of advice. It touched my heart deeply and I love all of y'all (my peeps).
UPDATE:
As of this moment, I am sitting her and unable to sleep. I'm tired and my Godfather has taken a turn for the worse. Hospice came in and registered him so he's all set and then they say no they won't do evening or weekend!!! What a nightmare!! So, he's 99 laying in bed and lingering between two worlds and and wanting to go home to God.
My Aunt passed away yesterday so the funeral is this weekend and Monday she'll be cremated.
I just want to let y'all know that I will not be on for a bit. I'll catch up somehow (it'll take some time). Know that I will be praying for y'all to have blessed days and less pain. {{{{Hugs}}}}πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜Š

Jun 11, 2016 10:00 AM

For sure, my CRPS pain flares/worsens with emotional stress. Please take as good of care of yourself as possible! πŸ’•

Jun 11, 2016 10:29 AM

Thanks invisiblepain28!! It is hard with the stress. I'm flaring badly and waiting for the next funeral as well. All I can do is be there for those that need me, pay my respects and take breaks where I can. I just wanted to make sure that everyone knew I was around but will probably not be able to get on with all that's going on. To any and all "Newbies" that I may have missed meeting and greeting.. I'm sorry. I WILL catch up with you all for sure. You're in for a real treat when you meet this wacko... LOL!!! 😜 I hope you all have a blessed weekend/week and I'll check in when I can. {{{Hugs}}}πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜Š

Jun 12, 2016 5:37 PM

You are in my heart, thoughts, & prayers Always! (((Hugs))) πŸ™‚πŸ’•πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Jun 15, 2016 6:30 AM

Alwayz, take care of yourself now. You are way toooo hard on yourself and that is why your feel inadequate. You want to give out all that love you were naturally born with a huge abundance (by the way) ....so it is easy to feel inadequate with all the stressors you and YOUR family are facing. Naturally, you are the most caring of them all. Your family is very lucky to have you in their lives. Hold on to the truth....you know what that is! You did everything right! Now go take your meds and eat a sandwich...love and blessings,Terri

Jun 16, 2016 1:17 PM

Thank you Flappy! I am trying to push through mentally at least ..

Jun 16, 2016 7:18 PM

You didn't ruin the vacation any more than the whole of the sad situation is doing. You have a lot of stress going on, make sure to take time to take care of yourself, and to work through your emotions and pain.

Jun 23, 2016 5:44 PM

I'm so sorry u r dealing with so much I will keep u n my prayers

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