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Needing to vent......

Jan 17, 2017 4:58 PM

So we just moved the last few days. I had some energy and an overwhelming feeling of "keeping up" because I didn't want all the responsibility to be on my spouses shoulders. I wanted to help. I wanted to do my part, like I should. So I did. I packed, moved boxes and furniture, drove back an forth, got everything in its place and unpacked an organized as much as possible. Well last night it started to set in.... The pain.... The stiffness... The spasms.... The exhaustion. I couldn't sleep at all... The pain was to much and with every muscle in your back as hard as a rock and not wanting to move, sleep didn't find me. But I got up at 6:45am and got our son ready for school, letting my better half sleep since they're the one who works. Died in pain on the car ride to school and back. Barely made it to bed where I collapsed. Though I don't want to move an inch or do a damn thing, I still got up to get stuff I needed/wanted instead of waking my spouse up. I did it anyways, though the pain screamed NNNOOOO!!!!! Its a rainy stormy day today, had been sunny all week and my love mentioned we should go to the jetty and watch the ocean. One of my favorite things to do. That we should get some lunch. And I do love food. But..... I can't force myself to do it. My mind becomes overwhelmed with thoughts of how painful the car ride will be. How my anxiety is going to go thru the roof because its stormy and I'm not the one driving. How I'd love to eat, but I'm so sick to my stomach the thought is repulsing. How I'd just be sitting there, watching her eat, wishing I had the stomach to do the same. When asked if I was just going to wear what I had on, I cringed. "I just don't want to go." Which is a lie, I do want to go!!!!! I just can't...... And she let's out this sigh. That sigh that every chronic pain sufferer/warrior knows, the sigh of disappointment. And we let you down again.... Another day, another instance where an opportunity to do something I love, is shattered because I just can't today.... The look, even if unintentional, is like a knife in your chest. As I sit here writing this, 3pm is coming up and our son needs picked up from school. An I don't know if I have it in me...I don't want her to go again, but its also a day that I don't HAVE to.... I'm not Tue only option and its a MUST DO. You can't leave your child at school.... Though once I was 40 mins late because I hadn't slept in 2 days and I crashed without an alarm. I felt like the worst parent in the world.
There's so much you keep bottled up inside because you want to be strong, you don't want to complain all the time, you want to be normal. Today I feel like I've failed. Failed as a girlfriend and failed as a mom. Guess better luck tomorrow....

Jan 17, 2017 5:55 PM

I think we all have been in your shoes hun. Unless someone lives with this chronic pain they can never truly understand. All we have is one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time..

But we are warriors and some how, some way we always find a way (eventually) to pick ourselves up and carry on..

Am so glad you were able to come vent. Just knowing you are talking to others who truly do understand makes a huge difference.

((((gentle hugs))))

You are not a bad girlfriend or a bad mom. You are a person with Chronic Pain doing the best you can (and more) with the hand you've been dealt.

Jan 17, 2017 6:41 PM

I am so sorry you are having a week like that. My face was cringing at every line you wrote because I have had the same experience and felt the exact same heartbreak.
I am proud that you have expressed your thoughts to us here and not allowed them to harbor in your heart.
Thank you for sharing. 😊😊

Jan 17, 2017 8:28 PM

Thank you all for your words and for taking the time to send a message. Sometimes that's all you need to put your head back on straight and remember you are more than the pain. I'm thankful to have the most supportive and helpful companion. But you know it wears on them too. An they can't help being disappointed just as we are, but from their point of view. Now I'm going to cozy up (the best I can since being touched hurts so bad) and watch a movie and eat ice cream lol. I'm usually a pie sweets kinda person, but the emotional rollercoaster of today called for a woman's best friend, ice cream. I wish you more productive days, more smiles and more memories made. I hope for less down days, less tears and fewer moments missed that you couldn't join in on.

Jan 17, 2017 10:24 PM

It's so hard having a chronic illness especially one that is invisible. As much as "normals" try to understand they just can't, some will try their hardest to but they never will understand and there are others that just can't comprehend it and don't want to even try.
This app has been a godsend, to be able to just talk to others who do understand the daily struggle and for me just being able to vent without judgement, without being told I'm lazy or to pull myself together.
Don't feel bad for being late picking up your little one, you're not the only one to do it. The only reason I woke up last week was because I got a phone call from the school saying I was 30 minutes late for the school run. I had set 5 alarms on my phone and I'd had my daughter's alarm clock as well but none of them woke me up and they were all set to full volume!!!

Jan 28, 2017 10:43 AM

Mo29, I hope you've improved at least a little since you write this. I'm just getting caught up on old posts, having started away due to overwhelming blahs October-January. Your post reminded me of when my hubby and I helped move my sister several years back. Ugh, I never want to do that again! I wanted to cry with you and for you because I still remember the long lingering pain & exhaustion. Hugs love & prayers your body will improve as you take rest periods! 🙂💕🙏🌸

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