Today was one of those days that I don't like to think about. I've felt tired, like a flare was coming for over a week. Even when the granddaughters came overnight I was dragging.
I called my pharmacy for auto refill last week but never heard back. So I called yesterday and the automation said it would be ready for pickup today. I show up to get it and the cashier said it was picked up Sunday. I disagreed saying I didn't have it. The girl has known me for a long time and knows about my dx dementia & memory loss. She came close to me and quietly said she personally checked me out Sunday, and suggested I go home and search for it. Omg, no way! I'd remember Sundays activities, right? Shouldn't I remember? I knew she knew I was struggling because i could see it in here face. I called my hubby and he said he didn't remember what day we went but we had gone to the pharmacy over the weekend. So I drive home, check the car, check my drawer of meds. All the while I'm thinking I'm really losing it and apparently misplaced it. Then I look at the bottles "date filled" that I'm holding in my hand, and it's the med I did not remember picking up! I called the pharmacy and apologized, telling her i found it. I apologized that this was my 4th time I've either paid for & walked out leaving the med, or I picked it up but forgot. I hung up the phone and just cried. 😭
For several days I've really struggled to recall names, or say the right word. It's been so frustrating to say the least. I was so bad today, even at the doctor appt, that I forgot what I was suppose to ask, and struggled to tell him things. He asked where my hubby was, and I told him working. I could see this different look on his face, and I knew he was thinking about my inability to communicate with him. It was the same way yesterday at a different doc appt. But she's seen me several times and knows me better. She always nods here head and waits for me to get the word I'm struggling to find. She was very patient but I could still see this look on her face that said she knew I was "off."
Sure, yes, I have Fibro fog. And yes, they've diagnosed me with dementia & memory loss issues. It seems to be recent, short term things I struggle with most. And it's slowly worsening over the past year, but this past 7-14 days have been horrible. Instead of just struggling to find the right word, I have stupid sounding, wrong words coming out of my mouth. And in my mind I know they are wrong, but my tongue won't cooperate & neither will my brain. So it has to be something more!
All I could think of while crying was my father and his mom having Alzheimer's. I'm already displaying some of the same exact actions he has been having for 5-6 years; I'm 54 & he's 86. I want to curse right now because it's a really bitter pill to swallow, thinking I may actually have more than just dementia & memory loss going on. But cursing would do me no good, not to mention I'd feel awful inside using bad words. That comes from my grandmother washing my mouth out with soap 🙊, & being a Christian. But I am angry & scared & hurt.
My sister happened to call me while i was upset and I was sort of snappy. When she asked what was wrong I told her. She replied that maybe when I have this neck surgery it will clear up my confused memory. Really? Omg!! What do cervical discs have to do with how the brain & tongue forms words? Beats the heck out of me!
Then my daughter called to ask just what this surgery is going to be, and why was it so risky. I tried to explain what the doc said as best as I could, given the issues I'm having. She said, "well mom it sounds like you have no choice but to have the surgery. You're screwed if you do or don't." Yep I already know that. It has taken me one hour to type this, to express myself, checking and proof reading to make sure I didn't say a stupid word or sentence.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Even if it isn't though, I won't have to go anywhere or talk to anyone, so if i day the wrong word only me and my dog will know. Now I think I'll lay down and cry some more.
Hugs & prayers everyone else has a better day & night! And thanks for listening!! 😔💕🙏🌼