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Not Fighting Anymore

Dec 27, 2015 9:14 PM

I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm tired of fighting. Tired of terrible doctors, scared doctors, ignorant doctors, angry doctors, frustrated doctors, doctors who would rather I suffer then give me a month or two of interim pain meds while I am getting set up with a new pain doc. Tired of apologizing for being in pain, being guilt tripped for being in pain, being told I'm a bad person or a drug seeker...just friggin tired. I want to die. I wish I were dead. I have no hope. No one cares. No one understands. I am alone. I don't know what happy is anymore, and I doubt I will ever feel it again. I'm so very tired and hopeless and I don't know what the point is anymore. I'll never have an actual life again. It's been 35 years. I'm just done.

Dec 27, 2015 9:24 PM

Amieleblanc. First let me say u r not alone we are all here. We all know how u feel I too have said recently that I just wanted t to laugh again. It's hard to deal with all ignorance in the world. Please don't give up its not to late we can help you with virtual support. Please talk to us.

Dec 27, 2015 9:55 PM

Amie, I have to agree with newfibrogirl..don't give up. This is a great group for support, moral support and friendship.

Dec 27, 2015 10:03 PM

Don't give up! Do you have someone who you can talk to? even if you are in crisis mode?

Dec 27, 2015 10:08 PM

Amie, feel free to private message me if you need/want to talk.

Dec 27, 2015 10:26 PM

I know exactly how you feel.

Dec 27, 2015 10:30 PM

Some days are such a struggle, and often we wonder what we are struggling for. Why, we ask ourselves, do we bother. I can't give you the answer right know, but know that at some point and at some time the answer will creep up on you and there it will be. It might be the smile on a baby's face or that tear of loneliness that you managed to wipe away from that ederly neighbor's eye. It might be in the song of the bird that greats the feeder you filled yesterday. You are important, much more important than you know. Some one some where needs and wants you. Don't give up, you are loved.

Dec 27, 2015 10:36 PM

I have those days every single day. I am 47 yrs old and since I am on Zoloft I cannot take pain meds. I can no longer walk very well and am having major surgery in 12 days and have to take care of myself. My husband is sitting in prison and my mother in law reminds me everyday that I am worthless. If u need to vent please feel free to pm me on here.

Dec 28, 2015 2:32 AM

Keep fighting girl! One day, one minute of each day. Do you have a counselor to talk to? I am one, so I believe that can help! I work with a lot of peeps who have chronic pain. You are NOT alone.

Dec 28, 2015 7:30 AM

I wwaske uo every morning feeling angry that I don't feel better or even worse yes sometimes I wonder why wake up at all. I don't know some times but you know what we have to wake up because one day we will wake up and we will feel better it will be over. I know ..everyday its something else . watching people live there lives and being all happy while we have to fake it or just be the kill joys. But we have a purpose we just have to find out what it is. Nothing happens by mistake. And although it's not fun. We have to lean on each other cry on each other hold each other up. As I'm telling you this I'm also telling myself. I feel the same way you do. The same way we all do. The pain is unreal and unfair. I'm sorry so so sorry you have to deal with this but even a pain patient has a brighter day you just have to be here to see it. Please don't give up

Dec 28, 2015 10:13 AM

Amie, I understand where you are and why. Believe me, you are not alone, WE understand and believe it or not, there IS hope. I know you are in a bad place and don't know what to do but it's going to get better. (Better then worse, then better and worse). It's definitely a roller coaster ride and it's a nightmare at times. You really can find joy in this life. You have to listen to your body. Know when to take breaks, when you can do things of a more physical nature, or just get things done that you've been putting off. Make sure when you are doing things, you take breaks, take your meds, pace yourself and go from there. Know that I have been where you are. I've said to my family that if this is how I'm going to feel every day, I'd rather just die so that I don't have to suffer any more. I'm sure there are many others here who have been in the same position. If you are at the end of your rope, here, hold onto mine, I'll help hold you up. My hand is here for you to hold, I have two shoulders for you to lean on (just not to hard... LOL!) I have two ears to listen and will be here when you need me. Please don't give up, you're needed here on this earth. There would be people devistated to lose you, of that I have no doubt. I am sending you lots of love, gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers to uplift your spirit and for a peaceful and less painful day. 💕🙏🏻🌻

Dec 28, 2015 10:30 AM

I'm sorry that you feel this way and I completely understand! I recently said the same thing to my bf. He got upset for me speaking that way but he doesn't understand what I deal with on a daily basis! I mean he sees me in pain and in tears, but he doesn't actually know the pain that I face every day that I wake up. I pray that you're only venting and that you don't really mean it. We understand. You are not alone. I know you have been dealing with pain for years, as have I and others. I'm sure others would agree that we all just have to take it one day at a time. Some days are better than others...some are worse but there is always hope. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to...inbox me anytime.

Dec 30, 2015 10:52 PM

AmieLeBlanc , how's your world today? Hoping you are finding some relief and finding positive aspects of yourself and your family to keep you going.

Dec 31, 2015 5:17 AM

AmieLeBlanc, hope you hanging in there with us. Your Post was raw, authentic, and concerning to us.. ( your fellow pain warriors) I hope and pray that you find the support you need there where you live. I know from all the love in this pain management community , we are here to support you and each other. Please check in with us, as I know we are concerned you are struggling alone. Love and Blessings, Terri

Dec 31, 2015 9:59 AM

Amie, I've been where you are & it's devastating to feel like nothing will ever improve. In March of 2014 I began to wish death would take me, that I'd have some freak accident and my life would end. I was not suicidal, wanting to take my life, but I so desperately did not want to live. I was so tired of hurting all the time, being depressed, and feeling alone. No one around me was being supportive or understanding.

Then my Rheumatologist (rheumy doc) asked a question about me being suicidal, and many things changed. Unknown to me at the time Cymbalta (for depression & fibromyalgia) was causing severe side effects, one being suicidal ideation (wanting death). She took me off way too fast, causing withdrawal symptoms (a curse!), and with the help of a psychiatrist, & pain specialist, with her & my PCP, it's all worked out for the better. The cymbalta wasn't just causing severe depression, it was also increasing my pain. Now 1 1/2 years later I've received a sjogrens dx and medication that's taken my pain from a daily avg 7-8 to a 3-4.

Amie, you may think no one wants or needs you, but this community does. And I'm positive others in your life do to. Needing someone isn't always about physical companionship. We, all of us, can still use our minds to help ourselves and each other. You've posted many wise comments, and funny ones too. I would definitely miss you! Please don't turn away from us; we're all here for you. It may take time with changes in your meds &/or doctors before you get the right team of docs for you. But please do not give up!

I still have daily pain, and have been in a sjogrens flare for 2 weeks, which has now led to a very bad upper head & great cold. But since the episode in 2014, with the cymbalta, any time I begin to think about dying being easier, I think about how that would affect each and every one I love, including here. Losing Eddieray has hurt deeply, because he was so wise & gentle with his words. Your words matter too, you matter... Please fight through this darkness and reach for the light was are all holding out to you! It's not going to magically make any of us healed, but having each other's helps like nothing else can. You are in my heart and prayers! (((Hugs)) ) 😷🙏🌼

Jan 02, 2016 12:27 PM

Amie, please reach out to your fellow sisters on here, let us all know you have stayed safe and have found hope in the friendship of others on here. Even if just a little hi anything will be so appreciated by those who have taken you into their hearts and minds. i am sure many of us have all visited that dark place you find yourself at I know I have but I eventually came out the otherside too. Have you no one you can lean on near you in times like this hunny, I am hopeful one day they will come up with a way to ease some of my pain and I hope you can gain the strength and courage to be there also when they make advances in medications and treatments that gives us all some of our lives back. Please reach out again to your friends on here. Gentle hugs clare xx

When the sky seems black, overwhelming and suffocating remember the sun always brings warmth, light and something beautiful and will always rise. 🌞

Jan 02, 2016 5:07 PM

Has anyone heard from her? I am concerned she was really down!

Jan 02, 2016 5:27 PM

I'm still here, despite wishing otherwise. Thank you all for your kind words. They made me laugh and cry - although almost everything makes me cry right now lol.

My pain mngt Doctor dropped me into purgatory with a long letter about how I failed my urine test - not true; I mean, I did fail it, but the doctor knew why beforehand and it was due to having problems with a new med. Didn't matter I guess. Then it said I violated the contract - contract, yeah right, it's only a contract if both parties have equal power. In these pain mngt contracts the pain patient has no power whatsoever. - by getting pain meds from another doctor. I did not violate the contract. I recv'd those meds from an ER doctor, which the contract explicitly stated I could. I went to the ER for a bladder/kidney infection. I had called my pain mngt doctor prior to going to the ER and he refused to give a crap about my unbearable pain. So the ER doctor gave me a heavy duty antibiotic and 5 extra Oxycodone pills. He was so appalled by what I told him he told me I should find a new pain mngt doctor. I should have taken his advice then. I guess I wanted to get verbally attacked by the pain mngt doctor first tho.

Now I have to find a new Primary Care Phycisian as well. He flat out refused to take over my pain meds for just a few months. He literally would rather I suffer. It's not like I came unprepared to the appt. I came armed with 8 pain mngt places to try. He referred me to one so far. No response yet. And the way he talked to me; made me feel guilty for being in pain, like I was lying despite my extensive physical deformities from birth and surgeries. He made me feel like I might as well just kill myself because in a few years nobody is going to treat me anyways - because pain is subjective you know. Wtf?

So I just went thru a week of weaning and withdrawal and now I've suddenly got pain back I forgot was so bad plus the pain that I'm still trying to get treated properly and I'm just drained and miserable.

And what's even better: the pain meds have been keeping my IBS-D in check. Not anymore. And, I'm having some sort of gynecology meltdown where despite taking birth control I'm getting horrible cramping and bleeding. Every day. My endometriosis has always been able to skip right through my Pills, but it's at its worst right now. Guess it's time for a new one again.

I don't know how I'm going to live right now. I've literally been in bed for over a week. Barely can eat without getting nauseous. My anxiety and depression is just battering me down.

Jan 02, 2016 5:51 PM

I know your Topic is titled "Not Fighting Anymore"; however, what I see is a fighter..can I get an Amen?!I have a suggestion, seek mental health help now.. Now, hear me out... You get yourself to an ER andnyou tell them how you are feeling. Get admitted! They can help when noone else can...your life is at stake here. Please go and tell them you are struggling to breath in and out... They can get resources for you that can open up other doors to specialist and such. Please seek this help, I am sure they can help.love , Terri

Jan 02, 2016 5:53 PM

Absolutely go to er it will be to youre benefit you shouldnt have to live feeling this way!

Jan 02, 2016 5:54 PM

And I have done it before! No shame you need help you need it! Xxoo

Jan 02, 2016 6:18 PM

Yes yes Yes! Please go girl! I have had to go before and it will help ....

Jan 02, 2016 8:41 PM

Today has been incredibly hard for me. I completely understand the frustrations you're feeling. I had an experience recently with my neurologist and a neurosurgeon that Ade me feel like I was completely stupid and was actually told that I was drugged out! Really?? I wanted slap both of those cocky idiots so bad. Listen to me, Don't let them have the reigns on your life! You have to be your own advocate. I recently dropped all of my specialists except my rheumy. I told my PCP I was sck of them and just wanted to strip it back down to him and my rheumy. He smiled and seemed proud of me for standing up for myself. You have family here. I am praying for you and know that there are many here doing the same. I know I stay in the background when I'm in a good deal of pain, but I do pray along with others as I read. Praying for peace, comfort and focus.

Jan 03, 2016 1:35 PM

I agree with Terri.. After reading what you posted, I am seeing a full fledged fighter. You're feeling defeated and I sure do get that!! I also hear you with the pain management contracts. They do it to cover their own asses, they don't give a shit about yours. If you go to the ER and let them know how you feel and what you're going through, they'll admit you for 72 hours and give you both medical and mental health assistance. Please continue to fight, you have a huge family here that is pulling and praying for you. There are days we all feel like it would be easier to just not be here. However, we are ALL warriors and I know that with medical attention and leaning on us, you'll be able to pull through to a brighter place. Please hang in there sweetheart. We are all here for you. Sending you reassuring, gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers that you hold onto the love your pain family is sending you and get the help that you need. 💕🙏🏻❤️

Jan 04, 2016 4:51 AM

💐 So relieved to see you back on here hun, I am in the UK and haven't heard of these contracts of which you speak but have certainly met the knowit all no nothing's over the years. We have enough of a daily battle as it is without having to fight these morons who wouldn't know pain if it bit their bums. Thinking of you and everyone else who is in pain whether it be physical or emotional. Just want to leave these with you lovey:

Strength doesn't come from what you can do
It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't.
Physical strength is measured by what we can carry
Inner strength is measured by what we can bear.
Courage doesn't always roar,
Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.

My dear you have got the strength and courage to fight this because you made it through a very dark time and battle every day like many of us here and you are still with us all who care about whether you live or die. Gentle hug coming your way. Xx

Jan 05, 2016 4:07 PM

Amie, you may not feel like it at this time, but you are a fighter. Terri & the others are right. There is no shame in seeking hospitalization for psych help. They truly will open the doors to help you, both mentally and physically. I've been there twice, and I don't regret it! It helped me stop letting others walk all over me, showed me I had inner strength I was unaware of, and instilled a deeper understanding of myself and others. That was 27 years ago. Now because of the past 5-6 years of chronic failing health I am once again under psych counseling as an outpatient. These docs learn who you are, and you aren't a name on a rx pad to them. (((Hugs))) & prayers! 😷🙏🌼

Feb 10, 2016 10:16 PM

Hey Amie, I haven't seen you around but I wanted you to know that you are missed. I was wondering if you found any relief yet? I was worried about all the pain you were and are in emotionally and physically. MAny of us feel your way from time to time. It gets to be so difficult. But we want you to know that you are truly cared about. I hope you see this and respond so that we can know how you are doing. I am hoping that your doctor has got your pain under control and that you come back to get the empathy you need and offer others. Best wishes to you and others.

Feb 11, 2016 12:15 AM

You know,it is Fu**ing shitty sometimes and we can't help but feel like everything is rubbish and the healthcare system is against us, and we want to give up. We are only human, and we do get depressed! I can't change the fact that I have to have people wipe my behind,wash my body,take care of me everyday, dress me..... I lost that independence being quadriplegic, and I've been through some very dark places, But, I learned that I had ito find beauty in my pain, discomfort,doctors that were not helpful, you see, I have to find ways of finding Beauty in sadness, small things like the color of the leaves on the trees when I have to lay in bed for weeks, the smell when it rains, the feeling of the wind on my face, the immense support of people I've never met but all care about how things are going in my life when we have a need to call out to our friends on here. Everyday I have something,even if it's the smallest thing that I say to myself....."Well Done" if it's getting up for a few hours more than the day before, or actually getting dressed or bathing, things like this people not in pain may take for granted, I make sure I tell myself "Well Done" because this is our daily struggles and we have to make the small things count. There are genuine doctors out there, and I'm sorry you've had such an awful time with your doctors, but you will find the ones who want to help. 😊

Feb 11, 2016 1:12 AM

Aimee I have to agree with so many here. It is easy to give up taking into consideration what we deal with each day. This is a place you can come and interact with people who understand exactly what you are dealing with when no one else in your world seems to understand. Death is a permanent solution to temporary situation. Celebrate the good days no matter how few and far between they come. If you think The world would not be a better place if you were not in it you are so very wrong. Please call this number National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1800 273-8255.

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