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Pain of the worst kind

Aug 17, 2015 4:58 PM

I'm sitting here shaking so bad and my breaths are rapid. Anxiety is squeezing my throat. And my eyes are filled with tears. Our very best neighbors, who are good friends are in a crisis. For privacy I can't mention names. The husband has been struggling for nearly a month with some type of physical problem that was causing insomnia. The wife came home from work and found him dead. 😢. My heart is breaking for the family! I'm in emotional pain as if they were family. We watched each other's kids grow up and move away to college or their own lives. And I'm speechless, at a total loss for words. 🙏🌼

Aug 17, 2015 6:09 PM

I'm so sorry for your lose. If u need to talk anyone please know that we are here. Just remember to breath and take one day at a time. Praying for u and your friends family.

Aug 18, 2015 1:39 AM

I'm so sorry. That's tough. Do whatever you need to do, try to go easy on yourself. Maybe do something creative to process. In 8th grade, we had a boy die in a car accident. He had been saving money for months to do a dream, and he was in a coma. The first day, there was silence.
We were morning for 2 weeks while he was in a coma, then they told us he had died. I drew. I only draw real-life things when I'm sad or shocked. I drew a desk and the empty fish tank. I still have it, it reminds me of him and it hurts but it's also oddly beautiful.
It's totally different when it's someone close, I know. Prayers for you and your neighbors to get through this.

Aug 18, 2015 5:17 AM

Thank you Firemustang21 & Ferretbandit for your thoughtful words. We found out of neighbor took his own life. The devastation that alone will have on the wife and children is heartbreaking. What little I've slept has been nightmares. I wish we had known he was in such a dark & lonely place, but they didn't let anyone know it was anything but stress and insomnia. I wish I could have told him to "hang on to God, He'll get you through this. I'm praying for you." Those were the exact words he said to me 3 months ago when I was stressing over my health and tremors. I can only trust and believe God will use this tragedy to bring about something positive and good (Romans 8:28).

Sadly, it's a reminder of my cousin and my husband's cousin, who both took their own lives, and the pain and hurt our families went through. I came very close to suicide myself, but thank God a friend helped me to get help. The depression that comes before suicide is a horrible dark, ugly, & deceptive place in the mind. There is no logic or reasoning, just total mental agony and pain. When anyone notices drastic changes in someone, they should get involved to help that person. I'm glad someone got involved for me. I'm guessing at this point i won't be returning to sleep. Any I'm not sure i want to for the dreams I had. 🙏🌼

Aug 18, 2015 10:06 AM

Oh Flappsy, I am so very sorry for your loss!! I can't imagine what a an absolute nightmare for a wife to come home and find her husband deceased. I have neighbors that are so very close that we are family and can feel your pain. I know that you will be there for your friend and that you will help her through with prayer, love and hugs. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. What a horrible shame. I will be praying for all of you. I am sending you a hug from my heart to let you know I am here to support you through this as you are there to support your friends. If you need anything, I am but a keystroke away, my friend.💕🙏🏻🌻

Aug 18, 2015 11:49 AM

AlwayZ, thanks for the hug! I'm struggling to understand the how & why, which of course no one may ever know. Even our girls are in disbelief. I'm just really fighting with depression. I think it's because he took his life the same way my cousin did, which brought all that time back to the surface of my memories. I've had a headache since 3am and nothing is helping, but at least it's not a migraine. The neighbor's family took her to their house late last night, and I'm sure she won't be back for several days. As a matter of fact we won't be surprised if she sells and moves. We'll hate to see her go, but it's understandable. As bad as I feel for her and their kids, it can't compare to their emotions. 🙏🌼

Aug 18, 2015 11:54 AM

That is very sad. I feel for the family. Suicide is very shelfish, it rocks a family to the core. I am sure you are doing all that you can. All you can do at this point is offer to be a friend and listen. Hopefully this family will all find strength in eachother. Take care of yourself, you know that to be of any help to others you must take care of yourself first! Try to get some rest. We are all here for you and appreciate all that you do for this community.

Aug 18, 2015 11:58 AM

My prayers are with you so that you have strength for your neighbor

Aug 18, 2015 12:17 PM

Flappsy,
I am so sorry that this tragedy has brought back such painful memories to you. It's an extremely painful situation and one with which you can truly understand because you lived it. I'm sure that you will be there for your neighbor and friend. I agree that if she moves it would be understandable but perhaps she'll stay simply because she has a wonderful friend next door. I'm sending you reassuring hugs and if there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know, my friend, I'll be here. 💕🙏🏻🌻 {{{{HUGS}}}}

Aug 18, 2015 12:43 PM

Thanks LMB & Momflyer. I'm trying to stay busy but also rest. Both their families are large and very close to each other and God.

It does seem a selfish act and in essence it is. Having once been suicidal myself I can say that (most of) the suicidal person doesn't choose to be suicidal. For many various reasons the mind has entered a dark place where they can't comprehend solutions or reasoning to any problems or pain. And living life is too overwhelming for them to envision a light at the end of the tunnel. They are in tremendous pain mentally and/or physically, and they see no way to end that pain except to end their life. Their mind doesn't function in a healthy way, and it's sometimes because of a chemical imbalance in the brain, something out of their control (unless a doctor gets involved). They do not think about anyone else because they can't, or if they do they decide the person(s) will be better off without them as a burden.

The questions those left behind struggle to answer never enters the mind of most suicidal persons, not when it's related to severedepression. Albeit, there are a few who purposely strike out to hurt someone specifically by their act of suicide. But predominately most suicides are not done to hurt others, but instead as a means to end their own pain. Others rarely if ever enter their mind. So yes, suicide is selfish but not intentionally meant to hurt others by the one who is mentally sick.

That's why it's so important for family & friends to take action and get help, before it's too late. I thank God every day that I had someone who saw what was happening to me and got involved! If they hadn't, I couldn't explain what it was like for me, or for many others.

Thank you all for your caring & supportive words! 🙏🌼

Aug 18, 2015 3:46 PM

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Still, I always feel saddened when suicide is called selfish. My sister called the cops, saved her boyfriend's life when his parents wouldn't. They would have just let him bleed out. They will also likely disown him if he's more honest, as they have already done with his 2 sisters.
He has no support, especially now that he broke up with my sis because "you deserve better. I don't want to hurt you" Apparently, his first girlfriend committed suicide and told him it was his fault. His only comfort is the idea of God, and life after death.
I remember staying up all night with my sis. I am always a skeptic, but it was terrifying to not know whether he was alive. I just remember crying, 1 am on the first day of summer.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, especially with unanswered questions. My dad always points out the song "How to Save a Life" by the Fray. It makes some good points about how it is not always obvious if someone is suicidal.

Aug 18, 2015 10:06 PM

Ferretbandit, thank you. I think the shock is wearing off and its just really sad. I remember you and your sister and her boyfriend. I think he really needs some professional counseling, one because of his ex's suicide, and also because he feels unworthy to be your sister's boyfriend.

I'm 54 and in my lifetime I've known & experienced 3 actual successful suicides, 8 who attempted suicide, and then my own brush with suicidal feelings. What I say here is completely from life experiences and professional counseling, from what counselors taught me.

Suicidal thoughts aren't always easy to recognize, like with my neighbor. Many times it occurs out of the blue, when suddenly one feels overwhelmed. But at other times it begins as little thoughts of hating life and wishing to just die, not necessarily wanting to take their own life but wishing something would happen to end it, feeling unworthy & useless to be alive, or other negative thoughts. Left unchecked it can lead to actual stages of planning how to die then carrying it out.

When I say it's a selfish act it's not meant as a derogatory comment. It's that the suicidal person is acting by subconscious choices that center only on themself and the pain and depression they are struggling with. How others will react doesn't even enter their mind; hence the term selfish.

On the flip side there are a small number who purposely act out a suicidal attempt(s) with the direct purpose of either 1) getting attention for themself, or 2) to purposely hurt someone else. And again their action is a conscious selfish act (centered on themself). I've had people like this in my life too.

The word selfish is just another way of saying self-centered, or focused on themself and not thinking about what's best for others. This is either because their depression and pain has shut out their ability to reason, or they purposely don't care what others think (they have 1 of the 2 goals in mind stated above). Does that make sense?

Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I didn't mean to upset you or anyone by using the word selfish. And I hope the ex boyfriend can get help. If he believes in God, he should remember that in God's eyes no one is worthless or unworthy. 🙏🌼

Aug 18, 2015 10:19 PM

Flappy lady I'm so sorry for your loss I wasn't aware of this post I get to use my iPad for twenty mins a day now and was reading a lot of post

Aug 18, 2015 10:33 PM

That's alright Eddieray. Thank you. I'm much better tonight, but even this morning I kept hoping if wake up and it would be a bad dream. Found out something freaky tonight: our friends bought their house for very little and remodeled it. The previous owners had a house fire and someone died in the house. If word gets out, it may never sell again.

My hubby called to let them know we're bringing a meal to them tomorrow. They're all at his sisters house. Our widow friend's sister in law told my hubby that she doesn't think they'll be able to get our friend to come back to the house.

Say a prayer for me because I'll be cooking a lot of food tomorrow. And I'll be hurting by super time from being on my fewer all day. My hubby is going to try and take half the day off. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! 🙏🌼

Aug 19, 2015 1:56 AM

I guess I just have trouble accepting suicide as selfishness, but thanks for pointing out the effect on others. Yes, it is painful. However, after meeting my roommate, I know about how in her (former) society, suicide is honorable if someone so much as acuses you of anything shameful.

Every person (in the other country) told her it was selfish to stay here, even thorough panic attacks and the fact that she would commit suicide if she went home. There is no support as she has found in the U.S., and being a citizen she has come home.

I have not personally attempted suicide, partially because if I feel bad enough, I'll find someone and just ask them to be around. My sister's boyfriend wants counseling, but his parents are not very open to treatment. He'll soon be old enough to make his own medical decisions, and I'm extremely thankful for that.

He does believe in God, but more in life after death than during life.

Try not to push yourself too far, or try to take breaks. I hope your husband can be home with you tomorrow.

Aug 19, 2015 8:17 AM

That's interesting about your friends culture. Up until 15-20 years ago you rarely heard about depression because it was one of those taboo topics, like talking about sex or affairs, etc.

Decades ago my grandfather asked me to try and locate his mom's grave. I asked him why he didn't know where it was. He said she died in a insane asylum, and burial markers were not allowed for insane or suicidal deaths...for real! I was nearly 30 before this secret was revealed to us grandchildren, and only then because I was interested in the family tree history, so I was asking questions. It took me several years to track down her death certificate, funeral home, and a distant family member who knew the cemetery she was buried in. My hubby and I, and our girls drove there and walked until we found here parents graves. There besides them was an unmarked grave. Unfortunately my grandfather died before I could tell him where it was. The church has burned so all records were gone, but the distant relative, my mom's age, said there's no other person who could have been there. So very sad that "shaming" was & still is to some degree on mental illnesses. 🙏🌼

Aug 22, 2015 7:40 AM

You always have to fight the pain. IF THE PAIN WINS IT'S OVER. ALWAYS KNOW WE'RE HERE TO TALK TOO I'VE BEEN THERE MYSELF. I JUST FOCUS ON MY SON THAT HELPS.

SORRY FOR YOUR LOSSES. ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH IN HOPE

Aug 22, 2015 8:27 AM

Flappsy, I hope this morning finds you doing better. After having just gotten over being sick and then the tragedy of your neighbor's suicide and then doing all the cooking so you could bring a meal for your friends, you've certainly had your hands full. I hope that you have been able to find time to rest and that your hubby was able to take part of the day off to be with you. I know what you mean about mental illness being a taboo subject and it's so very sad because it's just what it says, an ILLNESS!! I have had my own brush with thoughts of suicide myself thinking I was useless since I became sick and why should I be here as a burden to people I care about and love. Since I have found you and this wonderful community family, I can tell you that I feel much more useful because I can reach out to people who are suffering and help them through it. I also know I can reach out and that there will many of you who will respond and come to my rescue. I'm praying for you and your friends, Flappsy. I'm a keystroke away if you need me and I'm sending you some gentle hugs to pull you through. As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers. 💕🙏🏻🌻

Aug 22, 2015 9:01 AM

I have a sister 2 years younger than me and shes suffered from horrible depression since we were barely teenagers. She has attempted suicide several times. The first time she tried she jumped off a local bridge. Can u imagine feeling so lost that you feel your only out it death? To feel it and think it is one thing but then having enough will power to jump off a bridge? I couldn't imagine it or understand it.

Shes tried a few other times but the last time she tried she was in a coma for over a week, on a ventilator, had to have a blood transfusion, had blood clot issues. When she recovered enough to be released she had permanent lung damage, could barely walk or talk to name a few.

I was SO angry with her, like I have never felt anger before. I told my other family members that if she ever tries anything like that again I'm going to kill he myself. How could she BE SO DAMN SELFISH?Doesn't she know we love and need her? We tell her constantly. I was tired of going through this with her. I didn't understand any of it...how or why but I needed to if I was going to survive her.

I started looking after her. I told her husband to call me if or anytime he though she wasn't doing well. I needed to find away to try to understand her. I would check on her regularly and try to talk with her.. she is not a talker. She never complained about life or family or anything. We started hanging out regularly so that I could keep my eye on her. It wasn't easy and for awhile the silence made me crazy. So to get over that I just talked..for hours about random stuff and she kept wanting to hang out so i kept talking and talking lol

Then i started asking her questions here and there about what led her to those moments where she felt the only way out was suicide. Eventually she got so comfortable talking about these things the first thing she does is call me when shes feeling depressed. She no longer waits till she feels suicidal. We spend a lot of time together now .. we are best friends and even though it took years to get her to truly open up and to get her to realize that she can truly count on me and that I will never judge her it was worth it. Ive learned a lot from her and about her I would have never known if I hadn't truly taken the time even though my life didn't always allow for it I found ways.

What I learned:
People who suffer from that kind of depression suffer severe amounts of mental pain and anguish that cannot be turned off or distracted from.

Knowing horrific physical pain now I can equate the effects it to that. Its definitely not the same.

They suffer it alone because they are ashamed of thier true thoughts and feelings.

No one can truly know another person's pain but it doesn't mean its not real or horrible.

She needs her family. We have a big family 7 of us. Im the oldest. If i text someone and they don't get back to me I chalk it up to thier busy no big deal they will touch base with me when they get a chance. My sister doesn't feel it that way. She thinks somethings wrong or that someone is upset with her. She can't help it so i make sure I text or call her as soon as i get a chance.

They can't change ir help how they feel. If my pain is kicking my butt I try to redirect. They can't do that no matter how hard they try.

We all think we have control over ourselves. . Control over our thoughts and reactions but we don't our minds just process differently so we think and react differently than someone with severe depression. There is no mind over matter. If u set your mind to something you accomplish it because your mind is capable of accomplishing it not because you willed it to.

Its been 10 years since she last attempted suicide and i could go on for days about the things Ive learned but the point really is that I understand now. I went through a period of suicidal thoughts because of my health issues going on for so many years of pain and no answers but for me when I found out what was wrong and their was hope for treatment those feelings left me. No one wants to live like that. Just imagine your thoughts doing that to you every single day for your entire existence?? That is a pain I would never wish on anyone.

Still she suffers and has been in and out of help centers but she gets help now. If she ever decided to take her life I know now that I can't stop it and that shes wouldn't be doing it to hurt anyone even though it would. She would only do it to put a stop to her own suffering.

Aug 22, 2015 8:55 PM

Thank you AlwayZ. That means a lot.

Linda, I've also dealt with suicidal thoughts, twice, but the last time was caused by Cymbalta. The first time I felt worthless and unfit to live. You and I share the experiences of our sisters attempts at suicide. My sister tried so many times I lost count, and most of the time it was either because she was mixing street drugs & alcohol, of she had gotten herself into trouble and saw suicide as a way out. It still angers me to mention the how and why so I don't. It took our mother's death for her to stop. She's finally grown up and matured to handle things without suicide attempts. It's great you and your sister have become close and she has you to turn to.

Today was our friend's funeral. It was tough watching his wife and children. But the pastor was so great at helping everyone feel "it doesn't matter the why, because he's at peace." It was a way of telling busy bodies and gossipers to stop asking questions and respect the family's privacy. I thought she was tactful how she put it. My husband cried when he posted a memory for the family. It breaks my heart because he keeps losing friends, mostly to cancer. I can tell it's bothering him. I kept wiping tears the whole time. But it's over and his family will need prayers for awhile.

Everyone have a blessed night! 🙏🌼

Aug 23, 2015 8:46 AM

Hi Flappyslady - I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and neighbor and for what I can only imagine the family is going through.

I also have a younger sister who is currently in the dark recesses of drug addiction. She started with hydros because of leg pain. After I found out I had Rheumatoid Arthritis and fibro i tried to get her to go get tested because many of her problems were similar to mine but she went downhill with the addiction too fast. When my mom passed away 5 years ago she completely lost it and she graduated to some really hard street drugs and pretty much disappeared. It breaks my heart and I pray she finds her way out. We all really miss her. Her kids have suffered tremendously because of her addiction so I am happy to hear your sister found her way out and is doing well.

My younger brother has really bad psoriasis and hes starting to have joint pain so I think eventually he may end with pshoriatic arthritis.

Best wishes! Hope you are doing ok.

Aug 23, 2015 10:36 AM

Thank you Linda. I'll keep your sister in my prayers, that she'll be safe and that she'll find her way home sooner rather than later. They say most Arthritis trends to run in families. Hopefully your brother will get early test and treatment. And I'll keep both of you in my prayers.

I'm at peace about our friend, though we are going to really miss his upbeat personality. He was the kind of neighbor and friend everyone longs for. That's why his suicide was such a shock. His family has been in and out since after the funeral, but I noticed they still stayed elsewhere overnight. It's going to be hard for his wife to adjust losing him and having an empty nest at the same time. I'm just keeping them in my prayers. Thanks again for your thoughtfulness. 🙏🌼

Aug 23, 2015 6:39 PM

My thoughts and prayer are with you and they family! There are no words!!

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