So yesterday was a very tough day for me, it started well enough.....up on time, dressed, breakfast, Jo's insulin done and to school on time. As the last couple of days my pain and anxiety levels are very high and I'm soo exhausted just from trying to get ready and get the kids out to school.
I had a couple of appointments which I knew would be hard but I thought I'd work thro them. I had a little time before the first so I went home and opened yesterday's post (forgot to do it Monday!), the first one I opened tells me that the mandatory reconsideration I asked for came back that they haven't changed their decision about me not being able to claim ESA (disability and sickness benefit). They say I'm fit for some work because I can stand, sit, walk and talk.
I rang them to say that my GP said that I wouldn't be able to keep a job in my current state and that my GP thinks I have Post Traumatic Stress disorder, they've asked me to get a report from my doctor detailing all this and that I have to now put in an appeal as well (they want to two to be sent in separately!!!).
To say that talking to then was hard is an understatement....I kept tripping over my words, I couldn't get the right words out, I kept repeating what I'' already said and kept stammering so the call took twice as long as it needed to be. at the end of the call I was becoming a mess and it only got worse....
I got to my first appointment which was the job centre. my shakes were very prominent and I was bearley holding myself together at this point and the job adviser could clearly see I was not good.....in the 4 weeks I've had to sign on my mental and physical health seems to have gone down hill she commented!!
I left there and went to my next appointment which was with my CBT counsellor. Within 5 minutes of being there I completely broke down, I told her my coping skills have completely gone, my home is in complete disarray where nothing is getting done and every time I try to start I get so overwhelmed I start having a panic attack (home used to be tidy maybe a little unorganised but it was tidy!). I told her I'm almost at the stage where even I'd I have someone with me I'm still struggling to go out to even the corner shop let alone a supermarket. I just let everything out. She was very concerned about me and said she wanted to help more but she's confined to the restraints of her job. She said she was going to ring my GP and find out what support I'm getting from her and what support that the mental health nurse will provide. SHE then did some mindful exercises like just concentrating on one thing like my breathing or the ticking of a clock that seemed to calm me a enough to drive to pick Jo up. I got home did some dinner then my dad phoned about 7ish pm I was ok and holding it together Then my mum came on the phone and I just broke, I started crying and telling her how I was feeling and how guilty I'm feeling about everything, how I can't stop the washing machine in my head. Even after we hung up I was still crying uncontrollably. I think I cried like that for about an hour and a half I just couldn't stop.
Even today I'm feeling so low, not as tearful but feeling so low and I'm struggling, I'm finding it soo hard. I'm trying to think positively to turn the negative thoughts to positive thoughts I've tried to do my colouring which sometimes helps and when that didn't work I went to sleep but I'm still in the same downcast mood with nothing I've tried helping me.
I'm sorry for going on soo much but I'm a little lost atm