At my last visit my counselor asked me to think about goals that I wanted to achieve in the following areas: social &/or romantic, living environment, physical health, work/career, financial, & spiritual.
I was telling her how my hubby seems to think at some point I'm going to suddenly be back to normal, healthy, working, etc. Needless to say she burst my bubble after reading what I had written. She said, "It seems to me that somewhere deep inside you may feel that too." I looked at her and laughed, and said, "Ok, so maybe I am wishing there was a magic wand or time machine somewhere."
We went over the answers and she asked me to identify the unrealistic portion in each of my answers. Mind you I said "each!" And here I was thinking I had adjusted and accepted where and how my life is at. As Gomer Pyle would smile and say, "Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!" She asked me to rethink my answers and make realistic amendments, accounting for my current lifestyle, my currentt, chronic health, and bring it back when I see her again.
I've thought all afternoon and now I'm at a total mental block. It's like I can't, or maybe don't want to, think of the inevitable, chronic, continual deterioration, while having to find ways to adjust what and/or how to do things to live life "to the fullest", according to the new standards of what the fullest means for me, for us. This has depressed me to say the least.
She did try to help me understand why my hubby continues to comment with hope of my return to a normal healthy life. And I actually could imagine myself being him, being any of our caregivers. She said when I let him know where my limits are, it's telling him this is the area(s) he now has to" take up the slack", be responsible for... for the rest of my/our lives. She said he's likely thinking, "Omg, how am I going to do all I have to do to make a living, then come home and do all this for her, while also doing for my handicapped mom. How am I going to hold out? Am I competent enough to do it all without cracking mentally?" She said this is a normal reaction of caregivers, but they rarely identify or voice feeling overwhelmed themselves.
Hearing this depressed me even more, for being an extra burden, especially in the prime of our lives when it's supposed to be the best years. And I feel anything but the best at this point! I feel like I've climbed a huge mountain, mentally & physically, and can't find my way back down.
What goal, or goals do I have, realistically speaking? The only thing I can say for certain is I want to be as independent as possible so I'm not as much a burden on anyone.
Why do I feel worse going to counseling instead of better? I liked the blinders I was wearing better than seeing myself, my life, from another's eyes. I know it wasn't her intention to make me feel worse. In fact she'd be upset to know I now feel like crap.
At the end of this "counseling road" lies the goal of accepting my life as it is, in reality, and learning to adjust accordingly. But this is going to be unlike any road I've ever traveled. I really fooled myself, thinking I'd come to accept it all. 🙏🌼