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Realistically speaking... Just unloading my thoughts

Nov 19, 2015 9:33 PM

At my last visit my counselor asked me to think about goals that I wanted to achieve in the following areas: social &/or romantic, living environment, physical health, work/career, financial, & spiritual.

I was telling her how my hubby seems to think at some point I'm going to suddenly be back to normal, healthy, working, etc. Needless to say she burst my bubble after reading what I had written. She said, "It seems to me that somewhere deep inside you may feel that too." I looked at her and laughed, and said, "Ok, so maybe I am wishing there was a magic wand or time machine somewhere."

We went over the answers and she asked me to identify the unrealistic portion in each of my answers. Mind you I said "each!" And here I was thinking I had adjusted and accepted where and how my life is at. As Gomer Pyle would smile and say, "Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!" She asked me to rethink my answers and make realistic amendments, accounting for my current lifestyle, my currentt, chronic health, and bring it back when I see her again.

I've thought all afternoon and now I'm at a total mental block. It's like I can't, or maybe don't want to, think of the inevitable, chronic, continual deterioration, while having to find ways to adjust what and/or how to do things to live life "to the fullest", according to the new standards of what the fullest means for me, for us. This has depressed me to say the least.

She did try to help me understand why my hubby continues to comment with hope of my return to a normal healthy life. And I actually could imagine myself being him, being any of our caregivers. She said when I let him know where my limits are, it's telling him this is the area(s) he now has to" take up the slack", be responsible for... for the rest of my/our lives. She said he's likely thinking, "Omg, how am I going to do all I have to do to make a living, then come home and do all this for her, while also doing for my handicapped mom. How am I going to hold out? Am I competent enough to do it all without cracking mentally?" She said this is a normal reaction of caregivers, but they rarely identify or voice feeling overwhelmed themselves.

Hearing this depressed me even more, for being an extra burden, especially in the prime of our lives when it's supposed to be the best years. And I feel anything but the best at this point! I feel like I've climbed a huge mountain, mentally & physically, and can't find my way back down.
What goal, or goals do I have, realistically speaking? The only thing I can say for certain is I want to be as independent as possible so I'm not as much a burden on anyone.

Why do I feel worse going to counseling instead of better? I liked the blinders I was wearing better than seeing myself, my life, from another's eyes. I know it wasn't her intention to make me feel worse. In fact she'd be upset to know I now feel like crap.

At the end of this "counseling road" lies the goal of accepting my life as it is, in reality, and learning to adjust accordingly. But this is going to be unlike any road I've ever traveled. I really fooled myself, thinking I'd come to accept it all. 🙏🌼

Nov 19, 2015 9:59 PM

Flappy well first i want to say Gomer Pyle oh my gosh you dated yourself there. 😄

Ironically I am in a similar situation. I know i am not going to get better but everytime a doctor, counselor or what ever smacks me with reality I go spiralling again. More recently mine was with my PTSD which mine has an onion of layers from age 5 on. My counselor has even done that shocked intake of breath to some of the things. I knew I was going to have to go back through it all but I wasn't prepared for how bad it would be reliving with everything. I cried, ranted, threw tantrums and picked fights yesterday. When I started this I thought it was to get better, deal, be cured, be normal. Then....smack...i didn't know i would never be cured only taught how to push it down in the correct way.

No one wants to accept getting better is not going to happen. We are human and therefor have hope. Acceptance is what I hear but how can one accept something that we have no control over? I hope one day they have medications that work.

You know you have understanding, compassion and acceptance here. Unload anytime!

Nov 19, 2015 10:16 PM

Lol, I did age myself! Instead of crying and ranting, I felt like the scolded child who wanted to go lay down and cry into my pillow. But it must have irritated me, because we weren't too my step granddaughter's cheer performance tonight. There was little to no seating, and I was glad I used my walker with a seat. Within five minutes I was having to plug my ears from the noise and ringing it caused in my ears, and my headache started up. We didn't stay for the whole thing. My hubby said I was fidgeting so he knew I was irritated, and he asked why. I told him what the doc said. He was totally quiet, not a word of response. 🙏🌼

Nov 19, 2015 10:37 PM

I am realizing how hard this is on the spouse. Somewhere through the crying and ranting and yelling at him he managed to get in that he is here, wants to help and so forth at that moment I saw his denial, his hope and fantasy that I am going to get better both physically and mentally.

Soft earplugs help some. Sometimes at home I have to wear my ear muffs for shooting a gun. I love those! I hope you enjoyed some of the cheer performance.

Nov 19, 2015 10:51 PM

Flappys its funny I had a rare alone chart with !y uncle today and he asked me the same question. What do I plan to do or want to do when this is all over. My mom asks me this also. I honestly hate this question. I have no idea. I have a hard tme thinking past the next pain episode. And if I do !manage to think past it I get stuck at the !massive medical bills I have to pay and no job no income nothing. I do feel its good to think outside our reality. However I! Still having issues recognizing this as my reality. My sister said to me today that she just wants me to try and push myself sometimes.. I wanted to slap her..but I was nice. I just pray she realises that times she sees !e in the living room instead of in my bed that took all I had. I push myself everyday. I don't know what it's gonna take for family to get it. !uch lime u flappys we are working g hard enough to try and understand it ourselves. And try to think past it is tough. Flappys maybe we should start a thread on this very topic. I know others are having this issue too. Actually I know I still need work on it.
The thought of have !medication that will heal or cure this man that would be awesome.

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