I'm sitting here, staring at the walls, just wondering if this is going to be my life forever. Its been close to a month or so that I've been in the hospital, and it just gets you thinking. I usually am positive and try to be as uplifting as possible, especially when my sister is visiting me in the hospital. But it just seems to be getting harder and harder to be happy. I feel like my life is being sucked away from me from all of the tubes and things stuck inside of me. Its kind of the opposite of what they are suppose to be doing right? Medicines are suppose to bring life back into you, but it seems they are pulling the life from me.
I feel like this has already been my whole life so far, I mean I can't even remember anything really before age 10, and I became "ill"(is that the right term) when I was 11. All my memories has been me being like this, so why would that change for the future.
I know I've probably mentioned it before, but I feel like it is my fault that I have CRPS.
I was in 4th or 5th grade, I was more into being alone and braiding string to make bracelets(a very popular thing at the time haha) than playing with my friends at recess. But one day, I decided I would go play on the monkey bars...I fell. It can't be my fault, how would I know that would happen, but it somehow feels as if it is my fault. My mother was called to the school, I went to the ER, a few xrays later, they say I broke my ankle. I was upset but excited to have everyone sign my cast.
A few weeks later, I was getting my cast off, after they fully took it off they notice my big toe on my right foot was swollen and literally blue. So I got sent to another doctor. And soon after I was diagnosed with CRPS. It was actually right around this time...
I spent Christmas on crutches and in agonizing pain. After being sent to a bunch of programs to help, it finally got better, but they realized that my Dr in the ER messed up I guess you could say.
I never broke my ankle. I sprained it. He thought it was broken because I have a strange crack in my growth plate which is apparently okay. So yeah, I wore a cast for weeks from a sprained ankle and I feel like its my fault that I have this. I am the one who fell. If I didn't fall I wouldn't have been put into a cast that caused more damage than anything.
I'm sorry for ranting, and being for the most part being really negative, this isnt even really a rant, more like thought pouring out, so I feel like it won't make much since.
I am on some really strong pain killer and I get it like every 4 hours, so mg Brain is very mushy, I hope you understand. I just needed to pour my thoughts out, in hopes it would help me to stop crying. I appreciate you all for letting me complain so much lately, this really isn't like me, but I'm grateful I found some where I can do this. Considering this is the worst I have ever been.
Okay I'm done now I promise.
Sorry for this horribly long post.