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Relationship Morph

Sep 06, 2016 2:13 AM

Hi everyone😊
I'm so grateful to everyone in this community for the kindness and empathy y'all show to everyone that comes to this sight, I'm also blown away by the strength and courage of everyone here❤ hugs to everyone.
I'm going down hill rather fast and I am terrified by the thought of having to depend completely on my better half.
Our relationship is going down hill fast as well, I'm always confused, I know it's important to keep my partner in the loop as to what's going on with me physically but how do I do this without sounding like a big complainer? Any thoughts and or suggestions are warmly welcome👍😉😜

Sep 06, 2016 4:59 AM

I know it's going to sound cliche but communication is key. If you find it difficult to put your thoughts/feelings into words I recommend writing things down until you find the right words. In order to feel like I'm not whining to my fiance I use the 1 to 10 scale.
1 is I'm able to function and 10 is I am stuck in bed and am barely able to move.
Find small things you can do to help him/her. Even if it's laying in bed folding laundry or writing out a grocery list. Find time to relax together so the stress of daily life can melt away and you two can enjoy each other's presence.

Sep 06, 2016 5:09 AM

I am sorry to hear that you are getting so much worse! Hugs..I know it's not helpful but it's all I have..I am sorry to hear the trouble you are having with your partner
too..I have been with my husband for 16 yrs and i have always been completed open and honest with him ,sometimes too honest.. however;this is something I keep from him as well! Mostly because he doesn't understand( and I don't blame him for that I am glad he doesn't know how much I truely hurt and feel alone and confused).The other reason is as you said then I become a complainer.It is very difficult because i usually throw everything at him but for the last year I have become very silent. I feel as though I have nothing to contribute to the conversation but pain and misery.It would sound like this I hate this life my back hurts my pain is everywhere. I am started to forget things I put the milk in the cupboard. I am lonely. I miss my old life. My neck hurts. I am so tired etc....I don't want to have a relationship with constant negativity it's not fair to him..I might be completely wrong and maybe you should tell your husband! But for me I rather not share that part of me.. he knows me so he knows I struggle he knows I am in pain..he sees me struggle to find words or finish a sentence..but I would rather him think that's all..if I knew he was hurting as bad as I was mentally emotionally and physically it would kill me so I spare him knowing..Again please don't use this as advice I might be completely wrong it's just how I have chosen to handle our relationship! Good luck and let me know how things go?

Sep 06, 2016 9:20 PM

We use a number scale too because I am a huge liar....Example how are you today.....I feel alright, when really I am an 8. Honesty is key. As far as not whining, we went to see a therapist that specializes in chronic pain. It is very hard to for the healthy partner because they feel helpless. Then the in pain partner starts to feel useless and worthless. I suggest working really hard on your relationship TOGETHER! We are stronger now than we were before. Brutal honesty but never mean or hurtful. Seriously talk together about therapy.

Sep 06, 2016 9:51 PM

@LMB you too? I tend to push myself and lie saying I'm perfectly alright when in reality I just want to curl into a fetal position.

My fiance and I just had a difficult discussion tonight because he hovers a lot which makes me feel useless and pathetic. After discussing we decided that he will try to not hover so much so long as I am honest about my limitations. Having a discussion and expressing yourself is always the best thing you can do.

Sep 07, 2016 2:20 AM

Thank you all very much👍😍 everything I read was helpful, communication being vital is very true and I have a hard time with that one as growing up in the family I did, communication was not encouraged (LOL to put it mildly) that is something I need to work on, so thank you for the tip Little Milk Flower😊❤
Anna1978 thank you so much for the hugs (I felt them👍😊) and thank you for sharing, I agree sometimes it's too much to put on our partner, I to have gotten rather quiet, not in a mean way but so as not to burden my partner. I'm so sorry your going through this and I'm sending lots of hugs your way now😘xoxo
LMB your so right in using the pain scale as one of my partner's complaints is that I'm not truthful about the pain, when he asks how I'm doing? I usually say "I'm fine" so I'm going to try the pain scale. Thank you and everyone one else for sharing and for the feedback. Hugs all around xoxoxo 😘😜❤👍

Sep 07, 2016 3:27 AM

Well, im single, which means im solely responsible for all household chores, my finances, making decisions etc, and owning 2 dogs that i am too ill to walk (which rips me to pieces). And because of my health, i face a lifetime of being on my own, never having kids which i have always wanted. So whilst i appreciate it must be hard when in a relationship as the non pain partner could never understand what we can suffer, i would much rather have the option of being able to communicate with someone and have help around my house when i am too ill to move, but alas, it is not the case so i have to force myself to move everyday as otherwise my dogs wouldnt get fed or watered, neither would i.

This is me explaining another perspective

Sep 07, 2016 11:20 AM

Hi Unlucky, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Though it is nice having help, it's been my experience that my partner rarely if at all helps around the house, and so instead of having to tidy up my stuff and my three step kids messes I also have to clean up after him. There are pros and con's to everything but having to care for another human when you are in excruciating pain (not to mention 3 teenage step kids) really sucks.

Sep 07, 2016 11:28 AM

I appreciate that, i was just highlighting how being on your own and having all the stresses of finances as well as other things, is not great either.

But also, and i hope this doesnt sound calous, but if he's adding to your frustrations....kick him in to touch he he (i do appreciate its not that simple) :)

Sep 07, 2016 12:54 PM

D, when my journey started I didn't know what to do so I hit the blogs and found a thing that worked for us, . As I would research about these lovely cysts I would ask the husband to go to the big puter and read off pages I had bookmark. I had gotten so I could not sit. As he read and looked up things he learned my limitations. . The man is 2 xs as neat as me. Now I won't say he volunteers to vacuum but he does most things without asking. But on the flip side it made me feel useless. So, we worked out chores he has to keep his hands off. With you having kids in the mix, they can read things for you too. Teach them real research. An educated person is the most valuable one for us. You don't have to shasre everything with him, but if you had a great few hours tell him about those also. The more you share both with him the more interested he will be . Also, don't say the word pain! My husband admitted he turned me off with that word but he hears the more discriptive words like brimstone, hot poker.

Sep 07, 2016 8:20 PM

Zetarlov thank you so much👍😊
I love the research aspect, that is a very good suggestion and I will try that, I do research on my own but I will book mark it and share. Also that is good input about the word "pain" and makes a lot of sense.
Thank you very much😍xoxoxo

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