Why cant partners understand that sex is not something you want to get "into" when you have fibromyalgia!!!... ive ended up losing my rag at shouting " coz my fanny feels like its pushing out a cannonball with spikes, let alone you trying to shove something else in there" !!!!.... he just blinked, went bright red before whispering " you forgot we are sat in a pub didnt you"!!!... 😂😂😂😂😂
I'm soo sorry but that last sentence from your partner just made me laugh because I would do the same as you!!!! I have done things like that in the past and I'm sure I'll do it again at some point!!!!
Poor guy!... he's just not used to being deprived!!... it was me who had the healthy sex urges and he was the total opposite...he left the pub so fast i had to run after him!...suggested next time we chat about sex when we are at home
Just out of interest are there any men in the forum family who can give advice??? How can i help my bloke understand that a) i am no longer the same rampant rabbit girlfriend...b) that sex can cause me pain and the anxiety i get about this just makes me hate the idea of sex and lastly, do all men sulk when their suffering girlfriend says " nice idea but no thanks"
There is a lot of guilt around this for me, my poor husband asks me if it's ok to snuggle up and I cringe and let him but that's all I can stand (and only for a minute) let alone sex, forget it when I'm in a flare. And then when im well, sex can CAUSE a flare 😫. Why is that??? I can only think it's all the nerve stimulation or something but it creates so much anxiety for me. Any advise?
Just the opposite here. She wants it but never wants to initiate it. She never really ever initiated sex prior to my illness either but I get criticized later because I can't read her mind.
The side effects of pain killers, muscle relaxers, and diazepam also plays into sexual frustration when I do want to. Having sex for long peroids of time sounds great in theory, but when you still can't get off at the end it sucks. I hate side effects.
You would think that a man with the diagnosis of stiff person syndrome would be up for sex all the time. LOL.
I have problems with sex :/ my boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. But if he goes too hard it causes me to flare up really bad. It's stupid because I like sex and it's not like he's going super crazy. Ugggh and I can't get on top and do fun stuff. Like.I'm 21 why can't I have fun sex with my lover? V.V
Oh the pain, the pain! I've got the long-term problem where my husband has given up asking for it and I have to do all the initiating. It's taken all the romance away and he was really romantic guy. But here's the odd thing I found over the last 10 years is that, sometimes I'm in pain and sexual stimulation without penetration actually helps release good chemistry and kill the pain. Then once the pain is down with foreplay, I can go the rest of the way!!! Just have to keep it from giving me a spike migraine with a 2nd or 3rd "O". 😂😂😘😘
What about the other way around? I am single and want sex and snuggles. But how do I explain to a new partner that sex hurts my back and he's gotta go slow and the only way I can risk an organic is if I'm wearing a back brace.
I guess I am a little different. I ALWAYS hurt after sex but I have decided the pain is worth it. My suggestion would be to talk to your other half and figure out ways to work around the problem. From mt experience shutting a guy out tends to hurt them mentally and they just give up trying. If you find alternative ways to please each other without hurting yourself he might understand more. As long as I get a lot of foreplay and the actual penetration part is minimal things go great. I went from having sex every other week to 2-3 times a week. Communication and willingness to work together to find a solution is the key. Good luck. Hope this helps.
ThePainter is Spot-On!! And I do take at half a pill when we start so it kicks in about when we're done. This keeps me from flaring up too bad after when the adrenaline fades. And I didn't mean to imply that I don't have pain after, I do, but I know it's coming and can plan for that. I feel lucky that I can get through intercourse at all now. There is always pain after, so if the first half pill doesn't do the trick I take the other half at first strong twinge of pain afterwards.
This keeps my sobriety from being too off-kilter, manages the pain, and leaves me able to rest comfortably after for cuddles.
I will say that I don't plan on trying to accomplish anything for at least 2-3 hours afterwards, so early morning or later evening works out best and doesn't tank my whole day.
There are so many ways to be intimate. Having open and honest communication with your partner is a big deal. It has to be there or you'll always be stressed over one thing or another🙄. Just enjoy the quiet together and the gentle touching. If that leads to more, go for it, if not, it's ok too. You can help your partner get off without having to partake in the actual sex act and in turn, while doing that, you may find yourself quite turned on. Gregg, that's absolutely hysterical!!! SaphiraJewel, consider yourself lucky that you can get that 2nd or 3rd "O"!! Some can't achieve just one.. LOL!!! (And definitely worth the migraine to me😜). In years past I've been able to actually close my eyes and think myself to and orgasm.. it's a wonderful thing.. There are just so many things you can try and you have to be open minded and adventurous enough to try them. (I've always said I'll try anything once.. Twice if I really like it.. LOL!!) ENJOY!!!😜👌🏼😳🐪🤗
Alwaysinpain - u r so cool! you're officially the first person I've met who can also think themselves into the big O! Sexy minds!! I haven't tried it in several years but now I'm chasing that dream again! 😉😉😎😎🤗🤗
Aghhhhh I am so frustrated. This medication im on that kind of works with my anxiety, makes it impossible for me to reach an orgasm. Today I was with my boyfriend and I ended up completely breaking down because of my inability and my anxiety.. I am so embarrassed. He felt so bad and cried with me because of all these terrible changes happening .. we both feel kind of helpless because I used to be so strong and able, and we just don't know what to do. But for a game plan I will talk to my GP in a few days, and see what she wants to do. I'll probably have to talk to my psychiatrist to get a change. Like I know it's TMI but I can't even reach orgasm while masturbating. Like THAT IS LIKE UNHEARD OF
It's not TMI here JessieNova, here we can be as open as we can be because what we battle affects every area of our lives. Unfortunately I can't help much in this area because up until recently I had never orgasmmed whether with a partner or on my own. I had a friend with benefits who brought me to orgasm several times each time we were together but due to my issues and his own issues we've taken a few steps back and are now just friends. I still haven't been able to orgasm on my own.
I think talking to your GP and your psychiatrist is a good starting point and I'm sure there'll be someone else who might be able to give you some suggestions in a bit.
Being open and frank with your bf is the best thing, you both need to be able to talk thro this to stay strong together. If you both hide your feelings for fear of embarrassment then you won't be able to get past this and then you'll both find it hard to talk about other things together even down to normal everyday life.
Having a relationship where you can discuss this and cry together is key to working thro this and maybe even coming up with different ideas like maybe trying a vibrator to help bring you to orgasm as maybe your body needs the extra stimulation because the meds relax your body too much?
I'm soo sorry you're struggling with this and I'm sure there will be others who will be able to suggest more.
Sending you and your bf warm healing hugz and positive vibes xx
Sezzy dropping the wisdom!! Well, all I got to offer tonight is cannabis mellow (passes the vaporizer) and the incredible sex-positive all-women owned sex store here in Berkeley apparently expanded to 9 locations over the years. Take a look at their well categorized menu and don't miss their sex info section we always find very informative. Also they have a live chat feature online and I know they have encountered all kinds of disability and sexual difficulty. http://www.goodvibes.com/s
I know turning off the brain is always the hardest part, and I wish you a big fat mellow chill to carry you across to that next Big O!
As the man suffering with the pain in my marriage i can tell u most of what is said here is true. I used to be the guy horny 24/7 and yes i pouted at the word no. But now that my conditioned has worsened and i have backed off i feel as though she has pulled back even more. Yes she will do things to take care of me, but i miss the intimacy, the touching, the kissing.
My boyfriend had a really low sex drive while i was healthy and now that im dealing with all these problems he wants to have sex way more often than i do and gets frustrated with me. I just dont have the energy and when your body doesnt move around right it just makes you feel embarassed and pitiful. I just dont like who i am right now enough to want to have sex and im just too exahsted and by the end of the day in a lot of pain.
All that has been said here, really hits a trigger for me good and bad. I love my husband so freaking much. Unfortunately his love "sign" is lovemaking. ( the seven signs of love). He has stood by me for 14 years; been so patient and understanding altho at the same time pouts and with drawls if it's been more than a week. ( honestly I could go months without and not even notice...not good). Then I think he's mad and it's a horrible cycle. All the meds I take have sexual side effects and I've gained 40lbs and no matter what I do I can't change( meds) or get rid of the weight. Now I have consistently marked on the calendar and made my self " preform" weather in the mood or not. For me once we get started than I'm ready and willing. Now we've hit a different road block. When ever he has an O it can be extremely painful for him. Not always but it has been happening more frequently. So that make me not want to even more. I don't want to cause him pain. I know what it's like. We do know why this is happening but it doesn't make it any better or easier. I have been practically demanding we cuddle with no fondling; just laying on the couch and holding each other. To try and show him love w/o pain. He's starting to get it but he still wants me ( which is amazingly great after all these years!!) and I do want him but we're quite a pair almost crying in pain afterwards not wanting to be cuddled or touched. Why can meds have the reverse effect? And give a lil boost vs taking it away. I mean damn I missed my dirty 30s!!
Sounds so familiar blabla. And n now my insecurities are taking over and making things worse. I feel when we do have sex it's out of pity and yes she knows it's going to cause me pain to. She has started spending more time with her friends, always on the phone with them, and never wants to cuddle or even make out. Talk about the final step in crushing a man's ego. We've been together over thirty years now and i don't think she is physically cheating but sometimes i wonder if she is emotionally anymore or if it's just my insecurities. I sent her a beautiful poem i wrote her this morning only to ruin it by telling her about the horrible, mean dream i had about her when i feel asleep for a nap. She has also begun exercising and she never EVER cared about that before. An i crazy?
Well to be honest, a great open and honest thread. Nice one guys!😆 For me as a man (just in case u didnt know🤔).
Lol anyway I find sex really difficult, everything down there works. its the energy motivation and staminer. My libido is very low. And to be honest after orgasm pain can get bad for some minutes. Its caused problems in my relationship. She began to back off as I did. No more cuddling petting kissing it was awful and only made me feel worthless and down. Yes which has an affect upon self worth/confidence. Then knock on affects not just sexually but can morf to socially as well. Anyway we couldnt talk as we should have.
It is not the only reason but now wev'e parted waves. Which I am gutted about but hey. I now have to move and start again. Which causes more bloody stress as you can all imagine. It'll get done though, it has to.
Anyway I suppose point being that, talking openly with one another is the most important way to go.
I have to say reading this thread has enlightend me somewhat. And i really think it will help others to. Nice one all..Gx
Oh grogg I'm soo sorry that you're going thro this, it's soo hard to deal with a break up but add you not being well on top does cause more stress. Give yourself time to heal from the break up and move forward with your life. You will meet someone else who you can be open and honest with and tell them how it is then you can move in to a new relationship and there won't be any misunderstandings then you can be very happy again.
Sending you positive vibes and warm loving and healing hugs xx
Happytoseethesunrise I'm very sorry to hear about what is happening in your marriage, it's a very hard situation to be in. The only thing I can suggest is that you both need to communicate with each other....set aside a time and sit up at a table facing each other (if you can, I've found its easier to talk that way). Both of you write a list of concerns and worries with possible solutions but you both need to tell each other how you feel about each other...the good and the bad....if possible you both need to not judge each other and be honest. It sounds like you're growing apart apart as well so maybe arrange to set aside a time each week for a "date"....time where you spend the time together talking to each other and getting to know each other again. Going out for a meal or even a coffee but you need to be able to talk to each while you're together so you both can build up the trust and intimacy again. This won't happen over night and you both need to work at it to get past this and move forward.
Sending you both positive vibes and warm healing hugs xx
It's a shame that many of us are so geared towards kissing and cuddles means sex is imminent. Intimacy comes in many forms. I love a soft kiss, holding hands, cuddles and even just being quiet while just enjoying a movie together. My libido isn't what it was either since medication but I'm certainly not dead yet!! Because of my pain and all the "issues" I have, I haven't been in a relationship in many years. Ive come to terms (most of the time) that I'm going to have a very lonely rest of my life but who knows.. things can change..
Alwayz never say never, just because there's no one now doesn't mean there'll be no one in the future. I love just sitting quietly cuddling up on the sofa watching a movie but there's no one to snuggle up to atm but that doesn't mean I'll always be alone and building up myself first is important to me....how can I love somebody else if I can't love myself first? This is the thing I'm working on atm, trying to love myself so I can teach my kids to love themselves so in the future the treat themselves right so they attract the right people into their lives unlike some of my life choises
Just looking after being absent awhile.. Sex, Always catches my eye! Anyone experiencing conflicting sensations? First, I have Always been very sexual, and my husband and I have enjoyed each other in many ways.. 31 years later, multiple surgeries and years of pain and medications (truly 20-25yrs later) I find that my body is SO confused! I have so many pain signals going 24/7 that Any stimuli is overwhelming.. I don't think my body is able to interpret pleasurable touch any more. My nerves are overwhelmed by another's touch and I am not receptive. I really felt that I was hyper sexual until the last decade. I am using testosterone for multiple reasons and self pleasure is Amazing, so I know that everything is working.. I just don't seem to be able to receive touch from another as pleasurable. Anyone with similar experience or any suggestions?
Yes i do mich, after awhile of failures it becomes a much mental as Physical. It becomes so hard to just relax and enjoy life u used to it like when your alone. Plus with the pain and messed up sensations everything takes longer. At time that would have been a good thing lol but not when you're older and in pain
Hi there..... Hate to just jump in as im new here.... I love this thread though..its great seeing others being open so it makes me feel itll be ok being open about a topic ive felt i couldnt discuss with anyone. Im a 26 yr old female. Been single for so long and of course the isolation from peers caused by these conditions is no help. That said, of course i do have urges...but with the meds im on i have such a hard time reaching completion! It can get very very frustrating....it wasnt too bad(although the difficulty was still there) until i recently had to increase my Cymbalta. Sometimes now even if im feeling..."the urge" lol... No matter what i do that end just doesnt come. (Oops lol).
Makes me nervous that even if i could get around all the other issues of being intimate with someone that being in pain can cause, i wouldnt be able to actually 'get there' so to speak...you know? Anyone else deal with this at all? Thanks....and again sorry if intruding throws things off here!
I had the same issues with cymbalta and Paxil, I'm male btw, so it's not just u. I had to switch to celexa which actually works better for me. Still takes a long time and not everytime but it's alot better then with the other drugs
Glad to know its not just me! 'Private time' isnt essential to me but itd sure be nice to be able to take care of things when i want if you know what i mean...lol. This subject has always felt kinda taboo to me since i dont have anyone to relate to so its nice to be able talk to people who get it without being judged!
Different effects for each individual and medication! On Cymbalta now, takes incredible focus to get to orgasm. Could not get there with Lexapro /Celexa.. Would climb to great heights and just couldn't get over... To all out there.. As frustrating as it is to experience pain, we All desire, and Deserve to feel pleasure!
You're absolutely right Sezzy!!! I know that someone could walk right into my life and make me happy and the same the other way around.. I'm a very touchy person as I love to hug and cuddle and just be. A warm and meaningful cuddle is worth more to me than sex any day.🤗💕
I LOVE this thread! I SO wish you had all been around when my marriage was falling apart because of many of these issues... as I read down through these posts, crying at some as they touched a cord of something i or my hudband had said or done, or laughing at another (the blow up in the pub) and recognising what could almost be a scene from my married life, it was bittersweet. Many disabled people in chronic pain end up divorced and intimacy issues play large roles in that, as well as the general hardship pf living with someone who can't fully participate in your life. I still admire my soon to be ex-husband in that he lasted over 22 years with me with very little of what he would see as "real" sex for the last 15 or so. You see I WOULDN'T be willing to take a migraine to have an orgasm. Not when I lived with pounding DAILY grinding migraines and cluster headaches I couldn't get out of my head and the pressure of an orgasm just about blew the top of my head off. And pain dtugs only helped enough to allow "small" quiet orgasms,but I could , help my husband have intimacy other ways. I did, almost nightly. But to him, for some reason, this didn't qualify as, "real sex," because I wasn't getting pleasured and there was no intercourse. It got to the point in our marriage to where he was counting the days and weeks since the last time, And finally he developed a "friendship" at work that went too far.
My situation with Hubby is a bit different. He has a sex drive but he can't stand hugging, kissing, cuddling hand holding or any touch really. All the things a woman needs. It has nothing to do with pain for him. I'm the ill one. I've had no sex drive for many years, but I'd do it for him. But add that with him not being able to handle anything mentioned above and now my lupus pain and sickness... We love each other very much but quite frankly I wish there was no such thing as sex. To us it's stressful and pressure. (No pun intended). We go through the motions because guys need relief and I love him. The affection is what I need most but rarely ever get. Our pets get that from him. A whole other realm of heartache in that. I feel bad for him because I don't have a sex drive. I wish that I did. I don't even remember what that feels like anymore.
Gibber, I hear you! I felt that way for a number of years while on Wellbutrin. Are you on antidepressants by any chance? They don't bother to list it in the side effects, like it's mot important, but they can have major impact!
I hate to hear that Hon. I was there as well and had put most of it behind me.😭 but with the pain flaring with intimacy... I couldn't handle those two things being linked again. It became a big stressor for me. I'm sorry to hear you had to deal with that on top of it as well. I hate to say it, but now that I'm separated I actually get satisfaction occasionally without guilt or pain. It's a relief to feel like a normal person and not feel constantly like I'm disappointing someone.
Why is sex such a taboo topic to so many people? Even the chat topics on here seem to be too racy for some people. The four and five words is always getting stopped by someone who feels the subject needs to be changed
People can take a break and escape without it being about sex. There are dedicated websites and tv stations if you can't take a break and escape without it being about sex. I'm a little ocd and don't like having things show up as unread, but at the same time i don't like that those threads are always going back to sex. It just seems inappropriate, like posting nudes would be. But that's my opinion.
If you don't want to know the answer to a question don't ask. Obviously I'm not the only one who finds your obsession inappropriate or excessive. Others change the subject on you quite often. We get it! They are fucking! Move on with the plot already!
I was having a hard time with intimate things until I went through pelvic floor physical therapy. I know it sounds weird and too invasive, but my physical therapist (a woman) was my age and she helped so much! It's a process but, if you stick with it, then it can do wonders. My OB/GYN was the one who set it up for me.
Your right the talk of sex makes people uncomfortable. The subject was a no no with my mother. I have raised my girls to ask any and every question. What we see on tv or the next is CLEAN compare to what goes on in schools.
I understand the OCD I'm self diagnosed... here is a solution hit read and get out within seconds. No disrespect intended.
I welcome the talk of intimacy that's how we learn , it's what we all crave /want.
It is good for intimate problems as well as back pain. The physical therapist inserts her finger to release spasms from the three different layers of your pelvic floor. There's also some external pressure points she works on. She also teaches how you can treat yourself with both fingers and a wand (I bought one for about $20).
Goto I'm trying to start an argument or avoid your question but you obviously know what's posted there so why keep going if it offends u? And it's not my post originally, at least not the four words one, so there are others who enjoy adding to the story.
It didn't start as soft core porn. There was some kind of story going. You really don't get the ocd thing do you? It also shows up on the home page of the pain companion app so even if i try to ignore it i can't because the oldest unread topic is at the top. Can't get away from it.
Children -happytoseethesunrise and gotobeef-I am not taking sides but I do not feel like I have to read every post here or answer every post. This is supposed to be a place we can all share anything we want to and it helps us feel a bit more normal. It is a nice escape to distract yourself from pain. The people that want to add to a story let them go for it nobody is holding a gun to your head making you read it. Others that are here asking for help or just venting are welcome too. I have been a member of this group for a pretty longtime and I feel like we have covered just about every topic. We have discussed some pretty graphic sexual problems, modified positions, lack of sex drive, impotence , orgasm and sometimes the lack there of , masturbation, sex toys and marijuana legal in some states and illegal. We have blatantly talked about all of these subjects. I actually enjoy helping people and have no problem taking about any subject. I do not always post my answers if it is grapic but I do private message the person. As far as children being here the site is for teens and above. If you think any teenager has not seen more online I hate to burst your bubble. Most kids just use a proxy server to get around sites their parents attempt to block. Now can we please move on?
Unfortunately, no matter how many times I've explained the symptoms, shown him videos and articles, sat up rubbing my body with Icy Hot, he still wants sex. I find it is easier to just let him do it because otherwise he is a rude prick all day long and it stresses me out more but I end up 1. resenting the he'll out of him and 2. not enjoying sex at all. It doesn't help that there is never anything romantic before to help like a little massage or at least some hugging and kissing. Instead it's the old grab the crotch and boob move. This just happened 5 minutes ago. He hurt my neck so much I started crying and he just said he was sorry and is now asleep and snoring!!! 😡
Goto i understand ocd better then you could ever know but blaming me for your lack of even a little self control is asinine. I feel like this is a sexist based attack on me just because I'm male. The posts were no different then what many women have said. And it seems very ironic that we are having this pointless discussion in a topic called sex, sex, sex lol.
Can we please all stop arguing.. the topic of sex, masturbation, orgasm, pain relating to the sex act, wanting to preserve intimacy are all part of life. I have added many a line to the story and they had to do with sex and I thought nothing of it, it was all for fun, can't we just get back to helping one another and not fussing over something so menial?
No worries I've posted plenty in BOTH stories as have many others. I have it no thought other than mindless fun. The first story goes back and forth from acid trips to pain monsters to hallucinations to sex to something else.. who cares, it's a fucking story
@ClaudiaHdz I am very fortunate that my significant other has,never treated me like that. There have been times that I know it had been awhile and yes I felt very guilty but that all me not him. What helped our relationship tremendously was see a psychiatrist that specializes in conic pain. It allowed us to discuss more issues than we would have ever know were happening. Sometimes an outsider has a much better perspective. We only went about 6 times but we grew much closer and we both were able to have a better understanding of each other's needs. There is alot more to intamacy than just intercourse. Try masturbating together and right before he ejaculations have him put it inside you. There are hand jobs, blow jobs and plenty of other options. If therapy is something he would be willing to do maybe you could go once alone then go as a couple. You will be in a safe place and be completely honest. A psychiatrist that specializes in chronic pain can be a fantastic resource. Good luck.
I'm sorry @ ClaudiaHdz that you have to go through that. I think LMB has great advice but i know it can be hard to get a man to go talk to someone. Maybe the thought of more pleasurable sex might get him to agree to it. As a man i can say it's a major influence in everything we do, if men say it's not they're lying. Even in my worst pain i would never tell my wife no.
I can relate to @claudiahdz. My kids Dad was never a cuddling , it's all about my wife kind of guy. He was in the stage of male menopause. He had gained so much weight and decided to have weight loss surgery. My appearance, my body, my weight became an issue for him. He was flirting with woman in front of me and his kids. I would initiate and he would shot me down . He would wait up until I fell asleep or he thought I was asleep before he would come to bed. I knew he would do that at night. it was at a dinner gathering with three other couples that he admit he would wait for me to fall asleep.😔 I was devastated. His looks and words were hurtful. One night i ask and he reacted with a sour face. I did my night time routine and cried in the shower. That was the last time I ask for it, initiated intimacy. It took me a few years to realize it was not me! If your man is willing to work on it... go for it! The kids Dad could careless.
Sometimes i feel like the woman of the relationship. Everything i read from y'all it's how i feel most nights. Sometimes i wonder if she just stays with me out of a sense of obligation or pity. Crushes my ego, at least what's left of it.
The girls at you feel is not a " woman feeling ". We all want the same thing at the end of the day. I feel the difference is men don't say it or expect it. We woman lack sympathy , empathy towards men and their needs.
*Im responding to the topics . I mean no disrespect to any one gender. My opinion!
Sex with fibro and chronic pain is just no fun. My wife has some lower back pain that hurts her. For me I have fibro and chronic pain and tons of other things. Diagnosted with manic hypersexuality from my bi polar (yes there is such a thing) I'm always "in the mood" however with low. Testosterone and some meds I suffer with erectile dysfunction. Can't take things like Viagra because I'm on nitrate pills for chest pains.
Anyways cuddling hurts both of us to much. Helping one another hurts to much as well. Doing one at a time... Eel the shaking of the bed still hurts so we tried the floor and it was so hard it hurt worst. We have gone years (yes plural meaning more than 2) without intimacy or sex. It is sorly missed but it is what it is at this point.
It's been more than 4 years since my husband and I have had any form of intimacy. I have had too much pain to even think about it and the meds I'm on totally took away my sex drive. My husband also has some health problems so he's not really worried about it either. We still have a really great relationship, I am so thankful for that.
I completely understand this thread! Because of my pain having sex with me is so difficult! It hurts and is tricky to maneuver. It's a miracle to get me in the mood! So whenever I am in the mood I take it and run no matter what! I know we don't have sex as much as he would like, but he knows I care and try and that's all that matters.