I used to write almost daily. Some how I was able to get lost in my daily ramblings. I thought those writings were forever lost until my son presented me with a folder filled with my writings. I am going to share some here.
Many I don't even have dates on them but they still resonate strongly within me.
This one was always a favorite of mine. It still serves as a gentle reminder.
Stop and Smell the Roses
By Dreamweaver (aka Melanie Woodruff)
We have all heard this phrase but what does it really mean? Surely it doesn't actually refer to smelling roses, does it?
Life is such a hurried rush, going to and fro. Work, home, hobbies, bed and do it all over again. One day you stop long enough to ask, "Where has the time gone?" but it is only a fleeting thought before you jump back into the fast Trac of life. Is that really living though? I used to think so.
Now add an illness to that fast Trac. One that's virtually invisible. You are still on that fast Trac but working harder to keep up. Even a steady pace is difficult. You have to keep up though. You continue to struggle but find yourself continue to fall behind. Why do you fight it so? Because society dictates what you do is who you are. Where you are in life, in regards to career, family relationships etc. is what society views your worth by. Giving up or giving in is not in your vocabulary. It is not an option.
I know because a few years ago I have up and have in. At least that is what I felt like I was doing at the time. I gave in to the pain, I gave up a nursing career I loved with all my heart. In my mind I had failed! I had to depend on welfare as I fought for disability. The depression and self loathing grew heavy during this time. I had no self esteem and felt like I had let society down.
Then it happened. Quite by accident really, but happen it did.
I was grocery shopping one day and walked by the florist section. I usually just ignore it and go get what I need. This day was different. I felt an overwhelming urge to - you guessed it - stop and Smell the Roses. So I did! Not only did I stop to smell the roses but I left the store with my groceries and a bundle of bright yellow and deep red roses. My heart was a little lighter that day and the fast Trac wasn't quite as important.
Suddenly other things also began to come into view. Things that while I was traveling on that fast Trac I forgot to stop and enjoy.
Those nights I couldn't sleep? I suddenly felt like sitting on my front steps wrapped in a blanket watching the moon and stars in the still of the night. Or I felt the urge to sit by the window and watch the sun arise in all its glory. Amazing how many years passed by without my ever seeing a sunrise.
On days when the pain was overwhelming but I was growing stir crazy I sometimes had the urge to walk across the street to the park and sit and watch the children at play. There is something magical in the expression of a child's face as they soar to new heights on the swings, so magical in fact that often I am compelled to join in the fun. I don't fly as high anymore, and I certainly don't jump from the swing at dizzying heights. But it's enough to just fly for a few minutes.
And I come home feeling better. Did it take my pain away? No. Of course not. But it let me, for just a few moments in time, to be a kid again in all my childhood daring and freedom. In the fast Trac I was a grown up with guidelines Of what grownups do and don't do. Swinging was not included in those guidelines.
You know, I don't miss the fast Trac anymore. In fact, I think I had it all wrong from the start. Being disabled has allowed me to re-learn to love the sound Of a child's giggle. It has allowed me to get lost in the sunrises and sunsets of each day. It has allowed me to rediscover me, to find inner peace and in doing so it allowed me to find love.
I would love a cure for each of us. I would love More than anything to be able to go back to work too. But, if/when that day ever happens I won't be returning to the fast trac, for the Roses smell much too sweet to ever lose again.
~~~ Dreamweaver ~~~
AKA Melanie Woodruff