I want to take a moment to say something. First let me apologize for not giving you a warm welcome when you first posted. Welcome to our community family. I saw your responses to Helps's posts in my thread "a little too close to home." Hooray to Help, who finally was able to get you to open up some!
Your many posts in various threads of "I'm going to (or please help me) commit suicide" (including the multiple private messages you sent to me) completely shook me in a very upsetting way. I honestly didn't know what to say to you. And even though I and others were asking you to open up and let us know what you were going through, how we could help you, you continued just the same short "...commit suicide," and I began to get angry. I wasn't trusting my own self to respond to you nicely.
Someone very close to me, for many years, always wanted to run away or attempt/threaten suicide, anytime they didn't want to face things or they had been caught decieving others. It was their way of getting all eyes on them, to feel sorry for them, as if no one else has problems. And you weren't opening up an introductory thread about yourself, or even responding to other's responses to your suicide posts. I think it upset others here as well, and that's why so few responded to you. Because you weren't responding, because of what I'd been through, it made me think you were only trying to get attention, like the person from my past. I apologize for misjudging you.
I really did want to help you when I reached out to you the first time. But because after even others reached out and you continued to not open up, it seemed you didn't really want or need support. So I quit trying. I am here in this community for you and anyone else needing support. But I don't like to feel like someone is playing mind games with me. And that comes from my past experiences I spoke of above.
I and many others here have been where you are. I know what it's like to be abused, to hurt so badly that death seems to be the only way to keep it all from happening. But when someone reached out to help me I grabbed onto their hand and went forward, finding ways to rid myself of the negative, demeaning thoughts in my head. I learned coping skills to get through it all (nearly 30 yr ago). Then my life seemed nearly perfect, or at least without a lot of drama. That was until I began getting sick with major illnesses in 2007-2008.
When I joined this community I was sitting at home alone on a daily basis, lonely, hurting, feeling misunderstood or not believed, and once again wondering if death would be a better answer. Meeting others here that truly know, understand, and live in chronic pain daily, showed me I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and the pain is real. It showed me I don't have to live in depressed lonliness. I've met wonderful, supportive people here. I've learned new ideas and methods for coping with daily pain. Instead of sitting in a chair all day feeling sorry for myself because my family wasn't understanding, I now try to do activities throughout the day. I've learned to pace myself and take breaks to rest between activities. I've learned of new treatments, and I'm even in psych counseling myself now. Many people like us, who live with chronic pain are going to feel depression and/or anxiety, but we shouldn't ignore it. It won't go away on its own; medical intervention is required.
I think the fact that you have continued to comment "commit suicide" but haven't acted on it says you really want help to cope. This community can help you to some extent. But you need to open up to your doctor and let them know how you are feeling, get them involved in helping you cope. Depression, which is at the root of suicidal thoughts, could be a result of what you're trying to deal with alone, or it could be caused by medication side effects or something else medically. A doctor can help you determine that. Chronic pain is not going to go away. Chances are it will worsen. But if, and only if, we are willing to work through and learn coping skills, and work at having a support team of doctors (primary, pain specialist, Ortho, Neuro, etc), then we will learn to accept our individual new normal daily life. And we can begin to enjoy small bits and pieces of life, instead of feeling like a failure because we can't handle the whole shebang at one time.
I have grandchildren too. Over a year ago I could barely handle getting them a few hours at a time. And my maximum limit is 48 hours. They're ages 10 and up now, and not nearly as dependent on my care as they were before. My youngest finds ways to modify playing games, to keep me sitting comfortably, to help me remember (memory loss), and other supportive ways. You don't have to give up living and enjoying your grandchildren. Let them sit on your bed to play cards or color. And when you're tired tell them you need a nap, but you'll play later. It's not the amount of time you give, but that you give them time with you that matters. How you cope in front of them may teach them how to cope later in their lives.
Now, let me warmly welcome you to our community, again! You don't have to feel so alone. Someone is always online most of the time. But we are not qualified to help you with suicidal feelings. A doctor is required for that. We are however able to be here, to let you cry about what's bothering you, about how bad you are hurting, how mad you are at so & so, to share a joy or blessing, or ask for prayer, or whatever you need to say. To voice that you are having suicidal thoughts and you are struggling to cope through it, that you need our support and prayers, that's OK... We can do that and be here for you. But to post asking us to help you die... That's not something we will help you with. We all hurt but refuse to let our pain control our lives. I for one want to see my grandchildren grow up.
You mentioned in the other post, when you responded to Help, that you believe in religion. I'm the daughter of a minister, born & raised Baptist to the bone. I mean no offense to any religious affiliation here! Years ago I began to think of "religion" as in "what religion are you?" (Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Atheist, Agnostic, Scientology, Mormon, Muslim, etc etc etc). I also began answering that exact question whenever anyone asked me, "I am a Christian." I have a very strong faith in God (& God alone = Father, Son, Holy Ghost), and that is my strongest coping method for getting through my chronic pain days & depression. I respect everyone's personal beliefs. Because of how I was raised and my own strong faith, I pray for others. If someone here mentioned a concern or need, I pray for that for them. It just simply comes natural to me to do so. I will be praying for you: that you will reach out for medical help with the depression, suicidal thoughts, & chronic pain; that you will reach out here for support to cope; and for your living situation & personal needs. I'm sure that if you start identifying your pain causes, threshold, and coping mechanisms, that in a few months you'll not only be a very active member of the community, you'll likely see your life differently. We don't have to like what we have to deal with. We just have to accept it is what it is, then ask ourselves "What can I do to enjoy my life as much as possible?". Hugs & prayers you truly want to learn to cope better. You have a large support system if you do. 🙂💕🙏🌼
PS: try to think of one thing you have to be grateful for every day, no matter how small. And try to make it different every day. Keep a journal of these, as well as of your pain, pain triggers, & pain relievers.