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So nervous

Dec 18, 2015 10:50 AM

Had a big fight with my mom.. I mentioned the ordeal in another thread. I left the house for a night. And now I've got to face going back. I'm so nervous a d of course you how a stress like that can get to u.
I know my mom has stresses and she just had stents placed in her heart but she is fine physically now. I don't feel its right I have to continue accepting her abuse simply because she is afraid.
I have lost trust in my mom however I've been living bwith her for several months and really have no where else to go. So is the trade off for a roof over my head is thstbi have to live in fear of her next snap. Or wait for the next time I wake up with her standing over me at night.
She says the reasons she get so mad is because we are taking away to many duties from her. She is referring to the cooking and cleaning of the house while she and my dad recover from serious illness. Doing thr shopping and helping get aid and assistance for my dad.
So I see the only answer is to just stop helping at all. Because the more I do the more I hurt myself and they less she appropriate it. She also says that doing those things for her is disrespectful. And I will say in this last episode she was screaming and yelling in the middle bif the parking lot at a restaurant. And yes when she begin to get loud and raise her hands. I did raise my voice. After all I'm 36 and yes she is my mother I do respect her and I've been trying to do as much as I can to help her but all I get is argument and stress.
Help please let me know your thoughts. If I'm wrong please let me know. I love my mom however I can't allow my health to continue to suffer

Dec 18, 2015 2:10 PM

I'm just 21 but this has been me and my mom since I was 16, luckily I have divorced parents and can go to my dads though. She has had a broken back since 2009 so she deals with chronic pain just like I deal with my CRPS. She use to have me drive her around because she doesn't have a license but it would just hurt me more to do it, so I had to quit helping her. I know it's hard to put yourself before others but sometimes you have to. It took me two years to figure it out because I was just enabling her to not help herself and hurting myself more in the process. I let her know that I love her just as much as before but I couldn't continue to worsen my health while she didn't even go to the doctor to help her pain. I hate not being able to go to family functions like I used to or go out with my friends like a normal 21 year old but really it's not worth the pain afterwards. I hope you know you are not alone and I wish you less pain days and a great holiday :)

Dec 18, 2015 5:22 PM

Meganblondie..thank you so much.first I'll say I think it's awesome you have been able find a balance for yourself and your health and dealing with your mom. My family has always been close and I feel over the years my sister and I have totally enabled my mom. Even though she has just now been told she has a heart issue. My dad has been sick for years now with cancer.
It's gonna be hard to get s new balance with my mom. Especially now with me being ill.. My.bidy is breaking down and I've got to stop and take care of me. Although I habe to admit I don't know how to do that.ha...I've never put myself first. My boyfriend is on me all the time about that.
Boy do I have some work to do....ha... I will from now on begin csreing for myself and I'm concerned my will have a hard time but I'm sure she will be fine...

Dec 19, 2015 11:49 AM

Oh lord Newfibrogirl, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Family can be the best, and the worst. My mom used to be like that until the doctor put her on Zoloft about a year ago, and my grandmother is still like that. You aren't treated like an adult, and you walk on eggshells around them, because you have no idea what is going to trigger a temper tantrum.

You have to stand up for yourself, but pick your battles wisely. If you can, walk away. Go somewhere; to your room, outside, anywhere but where your mom is. It's hard, but sometimes you just have to appease her, even if you disagree. You care about her, but you have to draw a line so your health doesn't decline because of her issues. I hate to say it, but sometimes even the suggestions I wrote aren't going to work and then it's game on. Even then, try to keep your cool for as long as you can. Lower your voice rather then raise it. If you do lose your cool, and unfortunately, that's prolly going to happen once in a while, after the fight, do something that will help you chill. If you have an iPad, there are some really nice coloring books you can get for free. Meditate. Read. Vent here. Help someone else.

I hope something I said can help you. I've had to do all of these things so many times. And remember, you are not her mother. If she wants to do something, let her. She'll figure it out if she can't. If she doesn't appreciate the help you are giving her and the personal cost it is taking on you, then stop doing it. Seriously, it's not worth it. Let her come to you for help if she needs it.

((Hugs!)) and good luck 🙂

Dec 19, 2015 12:03 PM

You hit the nail on the head. And sadly that is exactly what I've done as far as hurting myself. I'm in the worst flare ever. And the day all that happened I actually left the house for over a day. Went to my sister house. Mom was asking when I was coming back calling my sister all that. But yes at this point I've had enough.
Mom has refused those treatment. Her doctor had seen her this way and has repeatedly offered and suggested she take something. My GOD sister has suggested we get it and sneak it in her food or drink. I'm at a point I'm willing to try it.
Your suggestions are awesome and so on point. And I'm actually trying the stay away tech now. I'm in my room in bed. She came to me and said that dad was fussing bout his the she gave him. But see when I try to help u with him..in which he takes my food and ests it all. But now that she has to do it alone now she want me. I actually told her I was tired and went back to sleep. I let her deal with it. Today basically I do nothing I did not cook I had no plan layed out so she had to figure it all out herself. I gave her like one idea and that was from my bed. Ha..he's it was hard to be so cold towards here. But considering I've not gotten an apology or anything I'm in with it. I figured I'm not gonna get that apology anywy.. And yes I'm working on a plan to help get me out this house more. I may have to go to my sister more often. But whatever I do its gonna be for me. Thank you for help and support it means the world to me.

Dec 21, 2015 10:17 AM

Newfibrogirl, it's so hard to go through our parents changing behaviors. My dad gets angry at nothing, because he misheard or misunderstood. He has recently been dx with Alzheimer's, and its rapidly changing him into someone that at times is hard to stay around. I'm not saying your mom has dementia or Alzheimer's, but if she was sedated it's highly possible that she's going through "cognitive disruption." It happened to my dad twice after procedures, each time getting worse.

I spoke to my counselor about it just last week. She said any dementia or Alzheimer's patient can & is going to have anger outbursts, and its best to remain calm. She said trying to change the subject sometimes helps, or getting them to talk about things from years ago, old memories, helps too.

When my dad gets this way we're all learning to either change the subject of walk away. It's like he's becoming abratty kid with tr antrums again. And for the many times I've been the recipient of it, he's only apologized once. He's stubborn and refuses to use a walker or can't, though he desperately needs to. I've learned not to offer to do things. If/when he falls and hurts himself then he will reap the consequences.

My advice is to back off and let your mom do whatever. If she verbally attacks you, walk away. If she follows, shut and lock your door behind you, out leave the house. Yes it seems mean, but you cannot reason with an angry parent, especially if it's due to the brain misfiring.

But be available if & when she asks for help. And don't expect an apology, because in their mind they've done nothing wrong. Do & be available for both parents out of love & respect. But don't allow them to be disrespectful of you, just leave the room/house. Sooner or later your mom will realize you aren't going to (1) listen to her screaming, (2) take part in it. My stepmom walks away when my dad gets snappy with her. And we did the same yesterday while visiting.

At night, lock your door to sleep, for your own peace of mind. When my great grandmother lost her mind and was placed in a sanatorium, she was standing over her son's bed with a butcher knife. You have a right to privacy. (((Hugs))), prayers, & support anytime you need to unburden yourself! 🙂🌼

Dec 21, 2015 10:24 AM

Thank you flappys. And yes its horrible to sit by and watch someone you love fall off a cliff and not say a word. But I'm learning that I can't allow myself to get hurt while doing something that's will not be appreciated. It's gonna be a training and adjusting period for us all.

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