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So the deed is done

Aug 30, 2016 1:52 PM

Just had the biggest blow up with mom. Not all of you know the history with mom and I. But basically she had some sort of mental snap and was angry because I didn't eat lunch in the same room with her. So I went to try a d calm her and it just got bigger. It all came down to me being rude not opening up to here not appricate what she does. Blah blah. Then it went in on my health and what I'd don't do around the house . And then my dad came up cause he hears the crying and she snapped on him because he put mustard on his mashed potatoes. And then she is yelling at both of us. Dad is trying to defend me. Then she turns victim and dad leaves. Then some how I just lost it and told her that thst I go through my day trying to not upset her. She states she is jealous of my time I spent d on my phone jealous of my support group and she wants to eat and spend time with her family. Like we live here and its not realistic to spend every minute of the day with someone. And especially with her. My mom is very hard to be around.
Well then it really got bug when I told here thst I ha e days when I wish I had not woke up. She was so emersed in her own world she didn't hear it. She was still yelling. So I said it again. I told her well she can get all the peace she wants when I stop waking up. The. She heard it. Still trying to make it a victimization of herself. Which everything in my mom's would is about her. My illness is a reflection of her and is about her. I'm so done with trying to care for her while my body is declining daily. Living in this house is gonna kill me. I have to go.

Aug 30, 2016 3:04 PM

Newfibrogirl I am sorry that your Mom is giving you such grief. I'm NOT in any way, shape or form giving her any excuses. Know that, as a Mother, it's hard for her to watch her child (and I say child because no matter how old you get, you'll still be her child) be in agonizing pain and be sick. Know that she's also angry that your Dad is sick and I don't think she actually knows how to cope. Perhaps there's a support group she can join to help her out. There is no reason for her to be jealous of your spending time with us here in the group. She just thinks that SHE is the one you should be going to and she's feeling like you're leaving her behind.
Like I said, I'm NOT giving her excuses, I'm trying to give you an alternative way to look at what she's doing.
Please go lay down and rest. You're having a hard time dealing with all of this because with the chemo and your body being forced into menopause fucks with your head. That much I DO know because it happened to me. I'm with you, Sweetie, whenever you need a shoulder. (Just don't pick the left one because that one is the most painful of the two... LOL!!!) sending you gentle {{{Hugs}}} abs hope that things settle down. 💕

Aug 30, 2016 3:11 PM

I can understand her view alwazy. I try to let her be her but it's harder and harder everyday. And right now I do think it's easier to just not be around. Nothing I do is good enough and all I want is to be healthy. Thank you for you input. I appreciate your keeping me on a balance keel.

Aug 31, 2016 7:35 AM

I hope this isnt stating the obvious, but it sounds to me as though your Mom is depressed, and i agree with Alwayzinpain, that her feelings of inadequacies about her not being able to help you, is just adding to her depression, and it sounds to me as though you and your dad are her only outlet for her anger and frustrations that she has inside of her? Have you thought about writing her a letter? You dont need to give it to her, but sometimes just writing down what we feel can help us digest and decipher, and 'release' our feelings.... May help?

Aug 31, 2016 8:33 AM

New, hunni I know that I have been gone for quite some time now and I am just seeing this and I am so sorry that you have been through what you have. When I was 18 years old I had a big fight with my mom and it ended up with me moving out and moving in with my Aunt on my dad's side all because she wouldn't let me get a job until I graduated high school. Well once I moved out first thing I did was get a job and my grades started slipping and my friends who counted on me for thing's could no longer count on me. I ended up moving back in with my mom and ended up quitting my job and I only walked with my class never received a diploma all because I had been stubborn and hard headed like my mom. I said all that to say this, yes your mom maybe hard to live with but once the other person put's away their stubbornness and may both of you can see a therapist in hopes of working through whatever it is you have to work through.

When my daughter gets debilitating migraines I feel helpless and get as frustrated as she does and sometimes I just want to knock a hole in the wall because I simply can't do anything else and her doctor's have done everything for her. I believe that your mom is simply frustrated that she can't do anything for you or your dad and worse part she can't take care of herself and is having to rely on her sick daughter to take care of her. I really think that is what is bugging her the most. But for now you need to lay down and get some rest. I will be praying for you and your parents, love, Gentle hug's and some sunshine to hopefully brighten up your day and some prayer's coming your way luv! 😘🙏🌞🌹💐

Aug 31, 2016 9:55 AM

Thank you guys I agree with you all. My concern is how do I reconcile caring for my own health whike being sensitive to my moms issues. Keep in mind mom does not feel she has any issues. She feels if we would just help her out whike yet not getting in her way ( yes u read that right) that she would be fine. It's also important this whole debacle came up over where I. Voice to eat my meal.
It's frustrating because my sister and I have tried to tell our family and the response we got was half just stays away and the other comes just to placate to her and leaves.

Aug 31, 2016 1:02 PM

Ask questions....what i mean by this is do not accuse her outright of things you are not happy with...get her to think of the answers...um, eg....perhaps ask her how she thinks it makes you feel when she does/says xx, or if you think she isnt interested in how you feel, ask her how it would make her feel by someone making her do something that she didnt want to? Umm and try and compromise-i may not have got the gist correctly, but are you saying she wants you and your sister to eat tea at the table? If so, agree to a couple of nights a week, but if conversation is hard, set an agenda, or at least, subjects not to discuss.....? And perhaps agree a code word for you all to use, so that, if one of you doesnt like where the conversation is going, you say the code word and conversation changes etc. Ultimately tell her you want the relationship to work but that its a 2-way street so you all need to make the effort and all need to compromise....fingers crossed some of this may help :)

Aug 31, 2016 1:04 PM

(People with depression often arent interested in other peoples feelings....my comment above was not saying she doesnt care about you, but more a case that she has become self obsorbed through her depression)

Aug 31, 2016 2:05 PM

So mom and I had a talk with my uncle and how she gonna turn the table on me. This is another issue with her lies. I hate tonsound this way about my.mom.but she will lie to keep herself looking good and to avoid confusion I just let her tell her lies. Now they talking bout 21day programs and all. This is what I was afraid of. Ugh

Aug 31, 2016 2:08 PM

Thank you unlucky. Those are very good idea. I will have to wait for the right time to try them right now things are still to hot in house. But I do want a change.

Aug 31, 2016 2:16 PM

I still think we have the same mom. 😕
Sorry it's getting worse for you there. Hugs

Aug 31, 2016 2:25 PM

If shes going to lie, shes going to lie...its something you wont be able to change unfortunately :-/ the only thing you can change is your thoughts towards it...i despise liars, so i get its not easy to not allow it to wind you up, but i would say you have 2 choices: allow yourself to get wound up by the lies, or allow yourself to accept you can change how she acts/what she says, and in accepting that, you may feel a bit better? Obviously, if her lies are directly impacting how you live (othef than it winding you up), then that will make it harder...but remember you are in control of your thoughts so you can choose to leg it annoy you or not (i know its not as simple as it sounds, but starting to change how you view the situation, should help :-)

Can i ask what a 21 day plan is?

Aug 31, 2016 2:26 PM

*you CANT change how she acts

Aug 31, 2016 2:30 PM

Thanks for your input and yes working on how I handle her actions is hard but I'm working on it.
According to them a 21day program is where a mentsl facility holds you for 21days to assess your mental situation.

Aug 31, 2016 2:40 PM

Oh blimey :-/ that sounds severe :-/ umm, trying to look at the positive if it does happen, is at least if youre assessed you would be able to show that its not needed... Sorry, i cant think of much else, as that is harsh. But wouldn't they need you to consent if you're over a certain age? Or, if they're trying to say you're not mentally stable, i would assume an assessment would be imperative before they would be able to make you stay there for 21 days? Im in the uk so not sure if its different anywhere else? (Not even sure thats the uk process, but i would hope it would be)

And the most you can do is work on yourself, and then hopefully you'l both be able to work it out together :)

Aug 31, 2016 3:22 PM

I don't feel im unstable however I'm struggling with all that is going on. And it all seem all out of my control. And yes it's taking a toll on me mentally a d emotionally.

Aug 31, 2016 3:39 PM

Its bound go be taking its toll :-/ pain and everything that comes with just that is bad enough....Anything else on top does make life harder and feel almost unbearable....but give yourself credit for what you are doing....even the little things...the little things when in pain are big thingsI

Sep 02, 2016 7:27 PM

Newfibrogirl, wow! I'm just seeing this convo. I'm sorry to hear you and your mom had another disagreement. I agree with AlwayZ about why she likely feels like she does. From things you've said she sounds like she's hard to please, and I'm only guessing she has no friends of her own. That being said, she's likely jealous and resentful that you do and that you rely on your friends instead of her. But the 21 day plan... Really, for you? Why not her too? It's likely the convo went that direction because of your comment of wishing not to wake up. I said something similar to my doc and she said that's"suicidal ideation." Your mom really does need counseling herself, to help her deal with her own health issues, your dad's, and yours. It's as overwhelming to her as it is to her, but she doesn't have an outlet. And like you said she doesn't think anything's wrong with her. Why not sit down and talk, and agree to get counseling if she agrees to be part counseled too. It would help the whole family to learn how to cope with all of the overwhelming issues you're all facing. Sweet friend I'm sending you lots of hugs & love, and I'm praying for you. 🙂💕🙏🌸

Sep 02, 2016 7:45 PM

Thank you flappys, I agree with all of you guys. The topic of counseling has come up and in fact she has been prescribed antidepressants but does not take them correctly. She only takes them after she blows up. Ha.. yes we have addressed this but she get defensive.
I'm truly worried about her. She had another small snap today where she made a small mistake in mixing meatballs I had fallen asleep.she left and ran to the store to rebuy all the ingredients and was mad because I was sleeping and did not help her.
Luckily my uncle was here and he helped distraction her while I went to fix the meal. She was in a panic over the whole thing and then we could barely keep her out try kitchen.
Long and short yes we all need some help. And the statement I made at the time i truly ment it. I know . I'm sorry I fight bad thoughts all the time and I thank GOD I've got you guys to let me babble to. I wish it was an easy way to fix all our issue's and LORD knows I'm in need of a mental and physical and emotional break.

Sep 03, 2016 2:33 AM

It sounds to me as though your mum feels a failure....she failed to cook a meal for you all hence why she over-reacted....perhaps she feels she is failing as a mum as she cant do anything about your health problems....perhaps she feels she has failed as a wife as she cant help your dad?

I know it mayb hard for you, but perhaps start saying little comments about what she does well....even the small things....and see how she responds...? I would assume, given time and frequent approval she may start feeling less of a failure, and perhaps less depressed, meaning life would may improve for you all?

Sep 03, 2016 3:44 AM

Oh wow! Newfibrogirl, It makes me very sad to read all of this. I've just got back on myself and have been sitting reading everything. Sweetheart you need a break or you're going to breakdown. Use those 21 days to your advantage. It will get you away from everyone at home. I'm not sure what this involves, the 21 days and I might be barking up the wrong tree. ........ but everyone is here for you through thick and thin. Much love and hugs 🌹💜

Sep 03, 2016 10:04 AM

sorry to hear, I have had similar experiences. Up til the time I was 18, I was a top athlete in US schools in Germany. Today I am 40 years old 90 % disabled, (not sports related) and immune to opiates and all pain meds. my parents and siblings think i am making everything up. it's really frustrating. to top it off, I have been diagnosed with aspergers, and when i told my mom, she said "you don't have aspergers". Well, to be fair, I should have expected it. It was that kind of thinking that delayed the diagnosis in the first place.

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