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Sometimes you don't want the help

Jan 31, 2016 2:11 AM

I am 46 today and my wife and I have a son and a daughter. One is 21 and the other is 24. I have provided well for them over the years and have instructed them on what they need to do in order to set up a place to live. I suggested roommates for them in order to make it affordable. We are a religious family and my daughter spends a lot of time in church activities. So I expected her to live at home for quite a while because she lives off little and dedicates her time to spiritual activities. I support that wholeheartedly. My son, my firstborn, I love him dearly as I do my daughter. He was the most affectionate. But about a year ago, he decided that because of our health, he was going to stay home and take care of us. Something I really hate. I don't want either of my kids to do that. I told him while they live at home, they can do chores but not to stay here to take care of us. I try to show my appreciation for the things he does. I will say thank you when he washes the dishes and he will return with "it is my job". But no one gave that job to him. He just does it before anyone else can. If I volunteer, he will say no. I will cook a couple times a week. A meal for everyone. Something big.

But I really wish I didn't have any help if he is going to react that way. It makes you feel guilty and bad. On top of that, I pay 90% of the expenses so helping around the house is the least they can do as far as I can see. I wouldn't act like he is giving up his life for me. He spends an hour a day doing dishes and taking out the trash. But they act like they want to care for us because we're not well. I am trying to find a way of correcting their thinking without being mean. It is nice to have some help. But I could hire someone. Any tips.?

Jan 31, 2016 6:07 AM

Profiler, there is no correcting your son or daughter. Understand from another point of view, you've raised wonderfully loving and compassionate children and you provided for and still provide for their well being. They see it as returning the favor. They can't make you better but they can help out and make things easier. I say this because even in the situation I am in, I am home with my elderly parents and I talke them to appointments, run errands and pay a pretty good hunk for rent. I offer to chip in on household bills on top of my rent as well. They kept me safe, warm, fed, loved, educated and gave me strength, independence and direction. I feel in this time of their lives when they need some help, I'm here to help. Think about it a little bit. Maybe it will make a bit of sense and you won't feel so bad about it. They're not going to give up their lives and be there "babysitting" for lack of a better term. It'll be ok. You've done a good job, you and your wife raising wonderful kids. I hope that this is helpful. By the way, my dear friend, Happy, Happy Birthday to a real special guy. I am really happy and blessed to have you as my friend. Enjoy!! {{{Hugs}}}💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Jan 31, 2016 5:34 PM

Profiler, I think you are very, very blessed with your children in their loving loyalty and respect of their parents. If you were healthy & living with your parents, wouldn't you be doing the exact same thing for your parents?

We all, in this community, wish we didn't need help from others. For me at least, I wish I didn't need as much help as I do. But then I remember when my mom and grandfather were so sick. Not only did my hubby and I work, we would drive 3 hr roundtrip every other day to make sure they had anything they needed done. My brother and I took over my mom's bills so she no longer had to stress. I even paid for her to keep her insurance coverage.

So children who are raised to live and respect their parents are naturally going to take care of their parents in need. Thank God you and your wife raised yours so well. Thank God you are so blessed. And did I understand the statement that you are 46 today... As in, is this your birthday? If so then happy birthday! Hugs, love, & prayers! 🙂🙏💕🌼

Jan 31, 2016 7:17 PM

Let me .start with happy birthday my pain buddy..
This is a hard situation. I am in a similar place I can see both sides. I too live with my parents who are sick and need help and I'm a patient myself. I think the only way to help the situation is to have open communication. If possible have a sit down with the whole family all involved and just speak frankly.. In return you have to be prepared to listen frankly.. I know this is hard to do on bit sides. I'll be honest and say I've not do e this yet but I too have to have this tsk with my family.
Everyone is stressed in ther own ways. Each of u have differnt thiughts running through ther minds. When your dealing with what we are life is haed and differnt for all involved. Just stand back and think about things for a day or so. Talk to your spouse and see what they think. I hope you ended up having a good birthday

Feb 10, 2016 10:02 PM

Thanks for your thoughts guys. The reason it Botha me though so much is because on one hand my son loves me and is very loyal. He would never think of doing things differently. But on the other hand, I can see that he hates his life. I don't expect him to like the situation. I don't expect him to sacrifice his life for me. He is staying at my house, staying in his room 24 hours a day unless he comes out to clean dishes, make a dinner, or take out trash. There is nothing stopping him from getting his own place so he can be happy. He doesn't have his own car. He just thinks he uses ours. We don really use our car so I don't have a problem with that. He doesn't pursue dating. I would be happy if he would go out with friends more often or date. It is like he has given up his life to stay home to literally to these four things (clean dishes, make a dinner once a twice a week, take out trash three times a week, clean the living room once a week). Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate those things. But I don't think they are no worth not living your life. I would rather he just left those to us. But I still think he can do those and live his life to if he wanted to. That is why I am upset. Seeing your child not live their life and them thinking to themselves it is because of their parents. That is hard for me to deal with. Do you understand more what I am talking about now. I have explained this to him. Best wishes guys. I hope you are having a lighter pain day.

Feb 10, 2016 10:12 PM

Have you considered have this chat with him..I can tell your heart is heavy. Your son sounds like me. Unless I'm going to Dr appointments or grocery store I'm in my room. I'd your son is not sick I can understand your concern. He may not know what to do. He wants to protect you just like you did Him all his life. This is a hard place to be. I'm sorry.. It may be hard but trys and relax some because I'm sure your under stress and thsts just gonna cause u pain... U think u may could look uup event in town and suggest them to him. Or give him a just becausw gidt a. Send him to a movie and mewl out .. These r just suggestions.. I hope it gets better

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