The past, maybe 2 months, I have just been in this really dark place. I had gotten very dark and deppressed hole and couldn't find a way out out of it. I had been blacking out from pain. I went to the ER for the first time, the ambulance was called and I apparently stayed unconscious from the moment i blacked out till the I was in the ER room.I was treated so badly by the doctors and nurses, I even heard a nurse whisper to the other something like "junkie" or soemthing, so of course that made everything worse. To the point where I was starting to believe that this is all in my head.
After blacking out multiply times a day for a month, then for the past 2 or 3 months I have had a constant high grade fever, then to top it all off, I felt like a complete fraud. I just couldn't take it any more.
I had but a breaking point, I just coudnt take it any more. I ended up falling back into a terrible "habit" of mine. I'm sure I've told some of you that I have a past of self harm. And Thats just what ended up happening. I just coudnt take this uncontrollable feeling I have. I feel like a robot. I just wanted to be able to control something again. But skipping some of the details, my mom found me in my bedroom and called 911. I got some stiches and then I spent the night for psychiatric observation. I was sent home the next morning. I was not trying to kill myself, i am not suicidal either. But, I dont know. I have currently been working on the urges to self harm lately, and some how this is harder to deal with than the pain. Its like Its addictive...
I am doing good tbough. I haven't done anything since the first night it happened about 3www weeks ago.
I've kind of been just creeping on the posts for a few days just to see what was going on with everbody, I'm slowly getting back into this whole "social thing" again. It seems like when ever I'm coming out of one of these deppressed holes, it some how makes me forget how to communicate with people (sounds weird I know, I can't explain it.)
But on Monday my boyfriend got me cannabis, and since Tuesday I have slowly getting back to normal. So hopefully I'll be back to normal soon So I can talk with you and interact :)