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Sorry I've been gone(trigger warning&long post)

May 20, 2016 2:52 AM

The past, maybe 2 months, I have just been in this really dark place. I had gotten very dark and deppressed hole and couldn't find a way out out of it. I had been blacking out from pain. I went to the ER for the first time, the ambulance was called and I apparently stayed unconscious from the moment i blacked out till the I was in the ER room.I was treated so badly by the doctors and nurses, I even heard a nurse whisper to the other something like "junkie" or soemthing, so of course that made everything worse. To the point where I was starting to believe that this is all in my head.

After blacking out multiply times a day for a month, then for the past 2 or 3 months I have had a constant high grade fever, then to top it all off, I felt like a complete fraud. I just couldn't take it any more.

I had but a breaking point, I just coudnt take it any more. I ended up falling back into a terrible "habit" of mine. I'm sure I've told some of you that I have a past of self harm. And Thats just what ended up happening. I just coudnt take this uncontrollable feeling I have. I feel like a robot. I just wanted to be able to control something again. But skipping some of the details, my mom found me in my bedroom and called 911. I got some stiches and then I spent the night for psychiatric observation. I was sent home the next morning. I was not trying to kill myself, i am not suicidal either. But, I dont know. I have currently been working on the urges to self harm lately, and some how this is harder to deal with than the pain. Its like Its addictive...

I am doing good tbough. I haven't done anything since the first night it happened about 3www weeks ago.

I've kind of been just creeping on the posts for a few days just to see what was going on with everbody, I'm slowly getting back into this whole "social thing" again. It seems like when ever I'm coming out of one of these deppressed holes, it some how makes me forget how to communicate with people (sounds weird I know, I can't explain it.)

But on Monday my boyfriend got me cannabis, and since Tuesday I have slowly getting back to normal. So hopefully I'll be back to normal soon So I can talk with you and interact :)

May 20, 2016 6:30 AM

Hey sweetie.
I will try to keep this post short so that you don't have to read to much. I've had severe and Complex chronic pain issues since 14; I'm 17 now. I struggle with the same "habit" as you but for different reasons and have had a lot of other psych and physical problems. Please message me, All the time and especially if you feel that you are going to fall back into habit. I can also give you some other ways to contact me.
I'll message you now sweetie xx

May 20, 2016 10:19 AM

BlazedKitty, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You have been through so very much in such a short period of time. You're in the beginning of your life and having to deal with this shit. I started hurting in high school and I am 50 now and all too familiar with those deep dark places. When I was in high school I struggled with urges to self harm and it was hard. Like you said, it's a control thing. You want to have control over SOMETHING that's happening to you and it's rough when it gets down to that being the thing you can control. It's scary when pain gets so bad that you black out from it. That used to happen to me when I was younger and it's not pretty. I'd be hobbling to class on crutches and pass out in the middle of the hallway. I'm glad that you've got your marijuana and that it is helping you. Know that you have my number and if you are feeling dark, please either call or text me and I'll stay with you as long as you need. Sending you gentle {{{Hugs}}}, positive vibes and prayers that you feel better. (By the way, have a hit for me!!😳).πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜Š

May 20, 2016 12:17 PM

Jenna, this pain is not in your head, & you're not a junkie. You have a disease that few people have ever heard of and even less understand. Small minded people, like that nurse, predictably judge all on a few, and it's their lifetime habit. Heaven forbid she should ever be attacked with chronic pain of any kind. I'm so sorry you were subjected to such awful treatment, especially at a time when you needed compassion the most. Sending gentle hugs& prayers for you. You are loved by all of us, and we are here for you! πŸ™‚πŸ’•πŸ™πŸŒΌ

May 20, 2016 1:32 PM

Thanks so much for the kind words everyone. I couldn't fall asleep till 6am and I just woke up and its 2pm.
I was having a hard time last night and I just say there crying for hoursn I'm not even sure why I was crying. I just was.
And if you have suffered with self harm you know that having fresh injuries makes it even harder to hold back the urge.
I didnt hurt myself technically though.
I have stiches in the two injuries from the first time. I started to pull out the stiches (sorry Thats distgusting) luckily I only pulled out 2 and its still able to heal properly. I've told my mom and I have an "emergency" physciatric meeting this week.

I guess I just snapped.

May 20, 2016 3:40 PM

It's going to be ok Jenna. When you don't know where else to turn just look up and remember how very much you are loved! πŸ˜˜πŸ’•πŸ™πŸŒΌ

May 20, 2016 6:02 PM

I understand the horror of having doctors think you just want drugs, and somehow it seems to be the time we need the most help. πŸ˜” I've also had some unknown sadness creep up, and those are always long nights. I hope you'll feel a bit better soon! I feel at a loss for words right now...❀🐢🐾🌠

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