Learn from patients with pain similar to yours

CatchMyPain Community and Pain Diary App to manage chronic illness

Stressed and rambling.

Nov 10, 2016 2:25 AM

So... a little history. I'm turning 33 this year. Had surgery 4 years ago for a benign schwannoma tumor (nerve tumor the size of a tennis ball) that was in my lumbar region of my back. Ever since then I have had horrible hip and leg pain. Since my surgery my whole body has changed and I now have severe pain in my shoulders, back, neck, legs, feet... you name it. 20 million tests later they've diagnosed me with fibro. I'm an OB nurse and recently dropped my hours to 27 a week due to my pain. I feel like over the last year I come home from work in so much pain that I basically go from bed to work and back to bed. I can never sleep for more than a few hours at a time and depression is taking over my life. I have a 9 1/2 year old and a 7 year old and I have horrible guilt about how my problems are impacting their lives. They come home and basically visit me in bed. I try so hard to spend time with them but I can't do much physically... especially after working. It is a bit better on days when I don't work. My anxiety is horrible this week. My daughter had a sleepover last weekend and I was so exhausted from making sure they were fed and had everything they needed that I couldn't take her to a girlscouts thing on sunday ad I felt like the worst mom in the world. She said she understood but Ifelt like such a terrible person. Mom's should be able to drop their kids off at an ice skating rink. Having had a sleepover the day before shouldn't exhaust me this much. I hate it. I had the day off today and had to talk myself into a shower and had such anxiety about a parent teacher conference. It went fine and I made myself go but I couldn't face the grocery store afterwards. I don't understand why I can handle my job and the stress of it but I can't handle a grocery store... it's like I put on a work mask and I can't fake my way through real life.

I have to switch doctors too due to insurance and I'm dreading it. I am on hydrocodone and hate having to defend my pain and my need for it. Granted I take 1 a day at night but working in the medical field I know that everyone who takes multiple meds and especially any type of pain med is immediately judged. I hate fibro and I hate depression and this new anxiety thing is awful. No one should have to go through this and my kids shouldn't have to deal with it. I am so lucky to have an amazing husband who is willing to go to the store for us when I cant handle it and he tells me I'm a good mom and thst love is what matters.... but I just want to do more and I want to feel happy. I feel like ever since my surgery it's one problem after another. Mental and physical. Ugh.

Sorry for the rambling.

Nov 10, 2016 3:25 AM

Oh Anna I know this feeling soo well and the terrible guilt that comes with it. When I'm in a really bad flair up with my trigeminal neuralgia and am pretty much bed bound like I have been the last week my 10 year old daughter gets anxiety about me having to go back to hospital and leaving her with my mum (single parent) so she gets server separation anxiety and doesn't want to leave me..... Monday her headmistress had to come to the car to bring her in and I had to leave her there crying. It broke my heart but it was best for her at the time.
You are not a bad mum at all, you show your kids how much you love them and that is what matters. Yes there will be times that they will be upset that there will be things they can't do because of your limitations but they will understand and grow up to be more compassionate and caring human beings for the love you show them.

Jan 30, 2017 10:06 AM

AnnaKT, I'm sorry I'm just seeing your post. I'm still trying to catch up from being away so much between October and January. I understand what you're going through. I've had chronic back issues for over 25 years. My youngest was only 1 when it became hard for me to pick her up. I remember many times I hurt so badly I couldn't be there or take them to things, and I felt awful. And I only got worse through the years. But when I could be there I made sure to give them my all. They're both grown now, one with a family of her own. They tell me all the time how much those good times meant, never reminding me of when I couldn't. I don't think they remember them honestly. You do the best you can when you can, and when you can't you rest. Don't feel guilty for something you can't help control. Fibro but me in 2007 and it has, along with many other new health issues, turned my life upside down. I quit apologizing to my family, because they see how much I struggle, how much I try, and how much it bothers me. For most of us it hasn't gotten easier as far as symptoms. It has become easier to identify flares before they are full blown, it is easier to do things to that make it easier to cope through the storms. Sending you hugs love and prayers, hoping you can find a way to cope easier. 🙂💕🙏🌸

Ready to start relieving your pain?

Join Community