So... a little history. I'm turning 33 this year. Had surgery 4 years ago for a benign schwannoma tumor (nerve tumor the size of a tennis ball) that was in my lumbar region of my back. Ever since then I have had horrible hip and leg pain. Since my surgery my whole body has changed and I now have severe pain in my shoulders, back, neck, legs, feet... you name it. 20 million tests later they've diagnosed me with fibro. I'm an OB nurse and recently dropped my hours to 27 a week due to my pain. I feel like over the last year I come home from work in so much pain that I basically go from bed to work and back to bed. I can never sleep for more than a few hours at a time and depression is taking over my life. I have a 9 1/2 year old and a 7 year old and I have horrible guilt about how my problems are impacting their lives. They come home and basically visit me in bed. I try so hard to spend time with them but I can't do much physically... especially after working. It is a bit better on days when I don't work. My anxiety is horrible this week. My daughter had a sleepover last weekend and I was so exhausted from making sure they were fed and had everything they needed that I couldn't take her to a girlscouts thing on sunday ad I felt like the worst mom in the world. She said she understood but Ifelt like such a terrible person. Mom's should be able to drop their kids off at an ice skating rink. Having had a sleepover the day before shouldn't exhaust me this much. I hate it. I had the day off today and had to talk myself into a shower and had such anxiety about a parent teacher conference. It went fine and I made myself go but I couldn't face the grocery store afterwards. I don't understand why I can handle my job and the stress of it but I can't handle a grocery store... it's like I put on a work mask and I can't fake my way through real life.
I have to switch doctors too due to insurance and I'm dreading it. I am on hydrocodone and hate having to defend my pain and my need for it. Granted I take 1 a day at night but working in the medical field I know that everyone who takes multiple meds and especially any type of pain med is immediately judged. I hate fibro and I hate depression and this new anxiety thing is awful. No one should have to go through this and my kids shouldn't have to deal with it. I am so lucky to have an amazing husband who is willing to go to the store for us when I cant handle it and he tells me I'm a good mom and thst love is what matters.... but I just want to do more and I want to feel happy. I feel like ever since my surgery it's one problem after another. Mental and physical. Ugh.
Sorry for the rambling.