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Stressed out and trying not to cry

Jan 16, 2016 4:45 PM

So I had the 2nd part of testing done this morning(ultrasound). Very intense discomfort and have been most of the day. I'm just laying here, thinking, listening to Casting Crowns and trying not to cry right now. Got so many things going through my brain at this point. My first question is why can't I get a break already? I thought I had gotten over the worst of the mrsa flare up already but apparently not. Got two spots that have started to get ugly again, in the midst of whatever is going on with my belly. Have already sent in a message to the surgeons office for an appointment this coming week. Some of the time I feel so very alone with this stuff. My family says they understand but they truly don't. They don't understand what it's like to actually be in fear prior to going to the doctors office. Like 24 hours prior to an appointment, I start with what almost seems like a panic attack. Just trying to decompress a bit I guess and trying to distract myself.

Jan 16, 2016 7:51 PM

I am so sorry Amanda that you are going through this. You are right. You family does not understand but you can take comfort in the fact that maybe they are trying to imagine it so that they can give you empathy. And really that is all they can do because we would never want them to suffer what we go through. I am sorry you are so scared all the time. I am trying to put myself in your shoes and I really can't because I don't know what they do to you the next day that you are afraid of but I hope they try to be as gentle as they can be. I do understand panic attacks. I am doing pretty good with them right now. I probably only get them twice a week. I use to get them a few times a day and I thought I was dying. Some of them landed me at the hospital.. They are so real in how they affect your body. Just know that we are here for you and that we do think of you. I am sorry I am not always around. It is because my arms hurt. But I miss here when I can't be here. I love to comment and talk. Most of the time I am sorry for what I say because I think I am screwing up but I still enjoy it.

Jan 16, 2016 8:03 PM

Profiler, mostly I get that panicky feeling when I have to go to the surgeons office because I know that more then likely the area in question is going to be surgically drained. To be honest, that feels like someone beat the shit out of me for about 48 hours. I have always been kind of nervous about going in there, but now I find myself dragging my feet because I know it's going to be uncomfortable and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, but just grit my teeth and go with it.

Jan 16, 2016 8:37 PM

I know you have put up with so much and you have handled more than anybody should have to. And I am sure there are many times that you don't want to be strong but you are a strong person. I am not trying to put my foot in my mouth or say something wrong but there is one thing that is good that comes out of your endurance. I am not saying that you should continue to be in pain. But while you are in pain and you continue to be a strong person and endure. Strong people cry to. But I was thinking you are a good example to the other young ones who deal with chronic pain and may be scared about things. They can see your strong will. Again, I would rather that pain and procedures be taken away from you and be a thing of the past. I believe in the bible and its promise for the future when people will be young again, no pain, sickness, or death. I don't know if you are religious. But if that were true to you. Could you imagine all the things you would do after being limited like we are now. We would get up and run and dance, travel, hikes. So many things we could do that we can't do now. I hope you believe that. Because I know it would be comforting to you. I am not trying to push religion you though.

Jan 16, 2016 9:02 PM

Amanda try the deep breathing exercise.

Jan 16, 2016 9:53 PM

Amanda, go ahead and cry girlfriend! You've held it in too long. At some point this MRSA has to stop attacking your body. They just have to figure out how to get it to do so with your resistance issue. We just have to hold on to faith together, just like we all did for Jenna. You are strong and courageous to go through all you have since I've known you. The words in the song "just let go and be held" has played over and over in my mind all day. You let go and let us all hold you up in prayers! Hugs!!!! πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŒΌπŸ’•

Jan 17, 2016 4:05 AM

Flappys, it's not just the mrsa right now. I'm still trying to recover from whatever the hell is plaguing my belly. My team still hasn't figured it out yet, and I'm just feeling miserable.

Jan 17, 2016 12:23 PM

Profiler, you are just the sweetest and most understanding guy!! I am so happy that you're back with us and feeling better. I always miss you and worry about you when I don't see you post. Hope all is well in your neck of the woods and hope you're having a good day. It's frigid here in NY and I'm sick as a dog. May have to bite the bullet and go back to the doctor. Not worrying about it now. It's a gloomy day, I'm watching The Golden Girls, laughing my ass off and getting some distraction. It's all good!! 😊

Jan 17, 2016 8:11 PM

And I really need to get my discomfort under control cause I do not want to be a cranky biotch at the doctors office tomorrow morning. 5:15 am comes so early and what the hell was I thinking?

Jan 18, 2016 6:24 AM

Amanda, I've been through the MRSA routine several times, its a royal pain in the rear! I had to go to areasole deoteriant instead of the stick, because noatter what I do in replacing it every time I turned around it would cause it to come back. I will be praying for you and that your team can figure out what is going on with your belly. πŸ˜˜πŸ™πŸ’• Hugs and love your way!

Jan 18, 2016 8:39 AM

Molar, thank you for the hugs. I'm just fed up because it's starting to get really aggressive now. As for the pain, it's not a gyn issue so he is suspecting it's a large bowel issue which would make sense based on where pain is. PCP tomorrow and we go from there.

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