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Struggling to finally accept reality

Dec 19, 2015 8:16 AM

Okay, so it's been a full year since my accident already. Was told by my orthopedic surgeon back in May that this injury is most likely permanent. At first I was shocked that he would say that but reality is beginning to set in. Yes, more then likely it is permanent. I'm still kind of at that stage of depression with the beginnings of acceptance with it. Just trying to figure out how to fully accept it and that my life won't be the same. I've already gone through the poor me stage and that did NOT help matters. In fact, it really only made it worse. Just needed to say it out loud this morning in a safe place to people who understand.

Dec 19, 2015 8:23 AM

Hi Amanda, acceptance is the hardest thing. I have likened the process we go through to "the grief cycle" by Kubler-Ross. I feel the issue for us with acceptance is that it can carry an element of feeling defeat. Being able to separate one from the other is enormously helpful but difficult too. My thoughts are with you.

Dec 21, 2015 9:45 AM

Amanda, that's a big step. ZackThack is right in that it's like a grieving process. And it doesn't go away overnight. Although I accepted my disabilities last year, there are still times I get depressed and wish it was a bad dream... And then reality shakes me awake. (((Hugs))) & prayers to get through it. πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Dec 21, 2015 10:57 AM

Flappys, there are times that I still say aloud "Why me? What did I do that was so bad to deserve this life already?" But those times are coming fewer and far between.

Dec 21, 2015 12:21 PM

Same here Amanda and flappys.. I'm just now trying to come out of that mind frame but I'm wavering. Right now I'm just so tired and stressed and no rest in sight. In concerned because the server oai. Issues I have on my right side I'm starting to have on the left. Trying to find positive thinking tricks but it is hard.

Dec 21, 2015 12:46 PM

New, I'm constantly having to say to myself, "If I get down in this position, can I get back up already?" Or is this activity going to make me hurt worse?

Dec 23, 2015 10:53 AM

When I'm struggling with those same questions I try to remember this verse

James 1: 2-3;
"Consider it wholly joyful, whenever you are envelopes in our encounter trials of any sort, out fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience."

Praying you along have a peaceful & blessed day! πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŒΌπŸŽ„

Dec 23, 2015 11:12 AM

I hear you. My injury was a work accident 2 years ago. It brought on Fibromyalgia and I've been struggling with self doubt and woe is me syndrome. I was the one who went back to college full time and worked 2 jobs at the same time.
Now... My days are spent arguing with myself to get out of bed and pushing through the depression.
I still see physio twice a week and I use it like life support. My healthcare team says I can not go back to my job, my employer is trying to force me back or force me out.
I know what its like to be in limbo mentally and physically.
I wish you all the best and hope you stay on in this group. You're not alone.

Dec 23, 2015 2:17 PM

Elqe, that's what I do now... Arguing with myself to do something, like shower, pay bills, etc. Raised my girls to junior high then returned to college. I worked 7 years at a really good paying job for this address. But when I went out for a mass in 2010, my health ran downhill like a freight train & I haven't been back to work. My PCP actually told me a few months back, with my hubby as witnesses, that I'll never be able to work again. πŸ˜–
Struggling to function everyday is hard. I'm trying to Keri on a routine, as if I did work. If I don't my day is shot! And fibro fog doesn't make it any easier. πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŒΌπŸŽ„

Dec 23, 2015 6:49 PM

@Flappys, I have never questioned Scripture, nor do I intend to now, But why must we be made to endure trials that would make normal people crawl into a hole and just give up. I just don't understand it already and it's bringing me to the point of tears tonight. I try not to give it energy but some days that's just darn near impossible already.

Dec 23, 2015 9:23 PM

Oh sweetie, I wish I could answer the why. Im not trying to question scripture. I shared the verse because, well, when I read it I somehow find a peace that even through my suffering I am being strengthened, molded to be who He wants me to be in the end; that something good will come from it all. It is very hard, day in & day out to struggle through one thing after another, sometimes without even a chance to catch my breath.

And you have truly had a very hard burden to bear this whole year. I wish I could take it away for you, I would if I could. All I can do is to continue to pray for you; pray that the docs will find the right treatment that will clear the infx from your body, and that your body will become strong enough to fight this off for good; that you will be able to rest peacefully without the stress of another wound opening up. That you will be able to sleep peacefully without added pain. And as I'm praying in also sending you gentle (((hugs))). May God touch your body and the hands of the doctors. πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Dec 23, 2015 9:40 PM

I do understand where you are coming from on that Flappys. My brain is being a little foggy tonight already. I really do try to keep pushing on with it, but you are right, the added stress is not good for me either. I feel like I'm constantly on guard with it. Any little sign or hint of an abscess or redness sends me back on the phone again. I really get stressed out by the fact that it is a never ending cycle. Me ------>surgeon------->infectious disease doc and repeat cycle. And on top of that, I'm coming down with something now. On the other hand, I have an appointment for IV antibiotics tomorrow and another one to get the packing pulled and changed. Was planning to go to service tomorrow night, but I know that after the dressing change is done, I'm going to be no more good the rest of the day.

Dec 23, 2015 9:57 PM

Amanda, As we are all praying for healing for Jenna, I am also praying God will bring merciful control over this MRSA infx in your body. I understand the stress because my sister got it after surgery and she'd had several episodes herself. I'm praying God will take this MRSA from your body in Jesus's name! Amen. (((Hugs))) & I hope you can rest better tonight than last night. πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŒΌπŸŽ„ Merry Christmas!

Dec 23, 2015 10:16 PM

Flappys, I slept great last night. Tonight, ehh not so much. My sinuses are NOT liking this crazy weather at all.

Dec 24, 2015 5:04 AM

Amanda, I don't think you even realize how strong you are. You are converting these infections,slowly yes but you are a WARRIOR! From my experience, God does not get mad at us for questioning anything. He made us in his image...its okay to ask.He loves you and wants an open dialogue with his children. So, today; you have a chore to get done, and I know you will shine through it. Take us with you ! We will help you through it. Love and Blessings, Terri

Dec 24, 2015 9:15 AM

I'll be with her the entire time, Terri. I'm going to be chatting with her via text to get her through it. No worries, I'm here to save the day!!! (OMG.. I sound like Might Mouse.. LOL!!😳)

Dec 24, 2015 9:39 AM

Amanda, I can understand a part of what your saying. I say a part because we don't truly know what someone else is going through on there own. When I had my accident, after it, I struggled to work. I worked for three months til I was worthless and they had to let me go. I was once their top employee and then they had let me go. I was heartbroken it was my favorite job. Thankfully I started using my disability insurance before I left. Ha ha. But I startedess the grieving processthe day I got that letter. I knew it was because I was disabled. But I grieved hard. Work was my life. I felt that it defined me. It was a very hard process. So don't be surprised if it is truly hard and emotional at times. I hope you have a better day today.

Dec 24, 2015 9:41 AM

I take that back. I see your not going to have a better day. I posted that on a previous site. I will continue to think of you today and hope that you will not have any more wounds open. I hope the pain is minimal but I wish not at all. Best wishes.

Dec 24, 2015 9:45 AM

Profiler, you're such a good guy!! You always make me smile.πŸŒ»πŸ™πŸ»

Dec 24, 2015 11:04 AM

Alwayz, thank you so much again. Your text messages were just what I needed. The pillow just kept vibrating. Lol. Terri, it was funny as hell. The PA came out to get me and I about lost it. Honestly, she looked like an orange stay puff marshmallow man with a jesters hat. I couldn't even make eye contact with her cause I would have busted out laughing. It really did help to break a lot of my tension and I was finally able to relax.

Dec 24, 2015 12:42 PM

My ESA only barks when I get tensed up, anxious or space out. He reacts to my breathing and heart rate. Well yesterday I drove an hour to meet my son for 25 minutes. Then drove another half hour to meet up with my boyfriend and his kids for 20 minutes then drove an hour and half to go visit my sweet (pseudo mom) friend for supper and a relaxing chat in front of the fire, then drove all the way home.
I enjoyed the day immensely. However, I could not take any of my pain meds yesterday since I had to have a clear head to drive. My ESA Freddie is 150 lbs of support dog and his safety is always my priority. Just like mine is his. He didn't bark once during the entire day.
Until part way home. Then he started a commotion.
I was so tired that I couldn't damper the pain down. I had been "on point" for so many hours that as soon as I relaxed the ripping headache just released. Came on like gang busters and the rest of my body followed. Got home in stages.
Lots of medication when I finally got in the house.
Today, well its closing in on noon here , so I've been dictating this for about an hour now. Between the spurts of rolling burning pain through my back, neck and arms and the nausea from the cork screw headache down to my agonizing hips. Today I cancelled my plans to go out for dinner and tomorrow I am just so thankful I have no plans made. These next few days are going to be spent in bed with drugs, heating pads and my constant companion Freddie. Who is currently laying full length against my back to keep me warm.
So far all those suffering too much to even think about joining the crowd this season, you are not alone. You may be at home alone but even in that, you are not alone. I selfishly take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. We are a team.
I send you all my best wishes for a safe holiday season. And my complete understanding of how you feel. Gentle butterfly hugs to you all.

Dec 24, 2015 1:18 PM

It's hard for me to accept. Should I? I hurt so badly. I'm in bed right now in pain. Can't cook can't clean my husband is working and I have a 3 year old and it's hard to handle him at times. I have to remind him that he can't jump all over mommy like he does his Daddy because mommy hurts all over. The docs don't know what's wrong and I have to go to my first pain management appointment on the 29th I can't way I've list weight and I can't sleep.

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