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Struggling to hold on

Sep 30, 2015 10:41 PM

Sorry to be such a debbie downer today but i am having a bad pain day and even after meds all i want to do is call my husband and tell him to come home and help me but after his recent comments i feel like i cant. My kids are pushing my buttons and with the pain i am snapping more. I have been think a lot about just ending it all which i know isn't what i really want i just want the pain to go away. I went to the hospital the other day in agony and with a large red mark on my leg. They refused to do any scans and just pumped me full of the same meds i have already and sent me home like they always do. And this was after my husband told them i had been thinking about suicide. I just want to go to bed and never leave. If i want to get an mri i have to pay for it myself and it is very expensive especially since i don't work. Being in a wheelchair it is kind of hard. I feel like i am banging my head against the wall.

Sep 30, 2015 10:49 PM

Maybe a grandparent or friends can watch kids for awhile till your stress lowers

Sep 30, 2015 11:15 PM

I know you are in terrible pain but please please try to remember that your children are there and see and hear everything. Don't talk about your pain if u can help it and by all means do not ever talk about your thoughts of suicide. You must keep that between yourself and hubby. And when you think you would rather die....re-think...you cannot kill yourself because you have children and they would never ever get over that. Believe me, I know pain very well and I know the places your mind will go. But you have to stop thinking of suicide. You love your children and you owe it to them to be alive.
Regarding your pain: what makes it worse and what makes it better? Try all that stuff out there: biofreeze, heat, ice, walking, sitting, laying down, using pillows for positioning, medications? Are you able to do some yoga poses? Yin yoga has helped me immensely with my pain and it's all about stretching into poses and staying there for 3 to 5 minutes. Please don't give up. If you cannot get the suicide idea out of your head you need to see your doctor/therapist and tell him/her you are suicidal. Say a prayer and BELIEVE you will be helped.
Hugs to you!!

Sep 30, 2015 11:58 PM

Achy my husband's mum lives in brisbane and my mother thinks i am faking all of this and has never watched my kids. I tried to talk to her last night about some mental health issues and she was not sympathetic at all. My father committed suicide so i know what it is like so i don't want to do that to my kids. You are right susieq about the fact they will never get over it. I appreciate your support and kindness and I am fighting everyday to just keep going for one more day. I can't do yoga or a whole lot of exercise which is very frustrating because I use to be so strong. I have been like this for 5 yrs and it is getting worse. I just need hope. And when i am in pain which is almost always it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for your support everyone xx

Oct 01, 2015 12:13 AM

Huge hug to you today. It's especially hard when people close to you don't understand. I'm not sure what to say except that people do love you and want you around.

Oct 01, 2015 1:51 AM

Keep the faith, its hard for all of us the pain is like no other pain, so we understand.... when i fall short i look to my daughters I push for them remember kids will be kids so when they get on your nerves, take things away trust me they will straighten up quick lol...... hope you feel better soon cyber hug!!!!

Oct 01, 2015 2:12 AM

Thanks for the cyber love peeps. I feel like i have a whole new family that gets it on here. Best thing i ever did. The one bad thing about all the meds is you can't drink and i could do with a wine lol

Oct 01, 2015 8:58 AM

I have been where you are mentally right now. Change your motivation ti changing yourself. I suggest you call the dr for yet some more pills. If you are not on anti depressants start and if you are obviously you need some adjustments. Beyond that I am not sure how old your kids are but mine understood from a pretty young age "mommy needs a time out" I would tell them i was sending myself to my room. I was honest with them about the reasons why. Kids want the truth which is what my kids taught me. They said it was scary me hiding things from them. Of course they only got enough information they could understand for their age. Next find your one thought...honestly my first husband committed suicide in front of me I know how it is to be a survivor of that and still not enough to keep thought of it out of my head so I found my one thought I love my kids more than anything and they kept me alive. I would imagine killing myself and then see my children finding me. I just couldn't stand that thought and therefor couldn't do it. The emergency room or urgent care is not going to do what you want from them. They are there to bandaid you until you can get to a doctor. They have limitations of what they can do. So get a doctor one you like and trust you may have to fire a couple along the way. If you don't have insurance most medical systems have some type of assistance where you can get the help you need without the bills. I just went through not being able to get an Mri. Insurance wants you to exhaust every other option under the sun. Theraphy, medication, pain management. After it all not working I made an appointment and focused on the worse pain spot. I actually drew a picture (mine was my spine) where it hurt worse with arrows if where the pain went. The look on my doctor's face was priceless but the visual helpee

Oct 01, 2015 9:02 AM

oops the rest of that is...it allowed my doctor to focus to one spot. Got a shot in my spine followed by an order for an ex ray then finally the Mri. My whole spine has now been scanned. It is work and I know with pain, exhaustion and so on it is hard but sometimes just focusing on taking care of business keeps your mind busy and sometimes not thinking about the pain first helps.

Oct 01, 2015 10:28 AM

Fallen, I totally understand where you're coming from. I have considered suicide many times, although if I feel I might take action I go to my family, who somehow talks some sense into me. I had one doc ignore me when all my teeth were collapsing toward the center (16 or more) and just sent me home with Ibuprofen and Tylenol. I'm allergic to Tylenol, and sensitive to Ibuprofen because I've taken it frequently since I was around 5 years old. My dad crushed it up, and stuck it in honey.
I came out sobbing because it felt like the docs had all given up and decided I was just a 14 year old drug seeker. Pain sucks, along with all the people who don't believe it exists. I don't really believe in anything outside of my reality. That's why I rely on my family.

Oct 01, 2015 2:43 PM

Fallen you are not alone when the pain is constantly there with no relief in sight. I too at one point in the early years thought about leaving, but I thought about my child and husband. I finally found why I was in so much pain,I had a Syrinx inside my spinal cord from C7 to L 12, I had surgery and had 3 vertibrae replaced my pain level went down about 20 %. I prayed and asked God to help me and he did, by sending someone to me that I could talk to and it was a blessing. Just look at your children's little faces they need their Mommy,they don't care that you can't do like you used to do, but that you are there,to give them hugs and kisses. Read them stories. They still need you in their lives, what would happen to them if you were gone. You are not alone someone is always here if you need to talk. Will keep you in my prayers,sending hugs your way.

Oct 01, 2015 7:28 PM

Please see your Dr about getting on meds to help with your depression. Tell Dr you are having suicidal thoughts. Some meds actually have suicidal tendency side effects. I want you to get help I worry about you. Please please at least talk with your Dr asap. There should be meds to help you cope while in pain

Oct 01, 2015 9:42 PM

Beautifully put, Weezie12...


Oct 01, 2015 10:09 PM

Hi Fallen what is your diagnosis ?

Oct 01, 2015 10:38 PM

Fallen, you should look up yin yoga poses. And choose the most gentle. If you can sit on the floor you can do it. Can you afford a yoga class? They always give modifications if you can't do the pose they are demonstrating. Don't knock it til u try it. I have/have had pain so intense that I had to live my life standing as sitting was excruciating. If we went out to eat we would have to eat at the bar so I could stand. I laid down in the backseat while my husband drove because I couldn't bear the pain of sitting. I have depression that began even before the pain. There wasn't one minute in one day that I wasn't in pain. Yin yoga has helped both my pain and my depression. No, it's not for everyone but u can't say u have tried everything until u try yoga. My depression is medication resistant. It's not fun, I know. But keep sharing in here. I'm a newbie too!

Oct 02, 2015 9:48 PM

Fallen, I have been where you are twice in my lifetime, the most recent last year. I rely like my life was falling apart and expressed the wish to die to my rheumy doc. She immediately started weaning me off cymbalta because that's a side effect with it. My health has continued to deteriorate, but I'm learning to accept that my life of yesterday's are gone. Accepting it is one key, but determining to make the best of the best days and allow yourself "time out" as Shammagren said on your bad days is also key to functioning.

Please call your doctor on Monday, or go to a hospital er that has a psych unit. There's no shame in admission to one, especially when they can help you. I spent 2+ months in one 25+ years ago, and it saves my life and family.

Our neighbor committed suicide last month, without any sign of warning. His family is devastated. His wife won't collect insurance benefits so it's left her in a financial mess. The children, though grown are a mess and angry. Suicide hurts and punishes those left behind, worse than living with someone with limitations because of chronic pain. Like others said, take some time out and be honest with your family, children included.

I've been struggling with new dx after dx, and I'm just trusting that no matter what happens, 1) God is going to see me through it, & 2) this community is here to help me through. You're in my prayers. 🙏🌼

Oct 03, 2015 12:27 AM

Blimey, pain is damn hard on us isn't it? I don't want to go over the ground covered by the others as their thoughts are excellent. I would suggest, if it's possible, speaking with your doctor about being referred for an evaluation of your mental health. I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for years but only got around to admitting it more recently when stress had taken its toll. I was then referred and the assessment a few weeks ago. Turns out my levels in both anxiety and depression are high. I have been put forward for counselling. Someone rang yesterday but I missed the call.
What keeps me going is my children and my cats. It would be very easy to spend my life never leaving my home but I do so for them.
Stress is a killer. Obvious but ruddy hard to achieve is avoid stress. Lol, sounds so simple, yet stress bombards us all the time. If you can, find ways to combat stress, understand what makes things more stressful for you and look for alternate paths. Finding me time is important too. Doing things just for you. I recently discovered adult colouring, which at first I found silly since I used to do my own art, but it's very soothing and takes your mind away from pain and negative thinking patterns. It also doesn't require much energy!
If there's a small hobby or pastime that you can do, it's worth doing a little every day.
I do hope you find the help, support and right methods to combat your negative thought processes. Please remember that there is help out there and that your family love you. Look after yourself and know it's not selfish to need personal time or space. You are allowed to think about you.
Keep strong.😊

Oct 08, 2015 3:05 AM

I honestly cried reading your messages. Sorry for the delay but have had a lot of bad days lately. My conditions are pelvic dysfunction, bulge disc at L4 L5 torn and touching L4 nerve, bursitis left hip and that is the physical stuff. I know i should be on meds for depression and have tried almost all of them but they all set off my tremors and i literally don't sleep for a week. I have been told i should be in some form of in care but with no support to help my husband with our kids it isn't an option for me. I am sorry to be so down but i have been trying to get help from everyone especially my extended family and all i get told is i am faking all of this, i am a drug addict, what do I have to be depressed about but my favorite one was from my mum when she said her depression which she has had for not quite a year is worse than mine that I have gad for over 20 years. Everyone in my family has mental health issues i guess I am the stupid one for expecting a human response from them. WhenI told my mum the otherday that i had been tested for ptsd for things that happened as a child she said get over it. Just like that. If only it was that easy. You are all angels and I even told my o.t about you all. Thanks so much for the support. I truly love you all. Xxxx

Oct 08, 2015 3:21 AM

So sorry for the lack of support from your family - it always seems worse coming from those who are meant to be closest to you. You are probably the strongest member in that family so know that you are brave and awesome just for trying to live with daily pain. Gentle hugs

Oct 08, 2015 5:07 AM

Cheers so much squirrel 1. I think because my expectations aren't even close to being what i see in other families that i feel like they should be the last ones to knock you down. Unfortunately they are always the first and the loudest. 😢 i really appreciate the gentle hugs too. Back at you lovely 😗😗

Oct 08, 2015 5:46 AM

I'm very sorry that you do not have the support of your family. Dysfunctional families make our situations even more difficult I think. As if we don't have enough stress as it is, having a family member telling you that you're faking it or just get over childhood abuse and trauma is really cruel in my opinion. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I also suffer from spinal issues. Had neck surgery in 2008 and wish I could go back and refuse the surgery. Suicide has been something which I've considered myself. Living in constant pain takes a toll on you! I have felt many times that if I am in this much pain in my 40's what do I have to live for. My 2 daughters are what I have to live for. My friends have all vanished. Or maybe it's me that vanished or withdrew. So many of us have been affected by suicide. Yet in those moments of utter hopelessness and despair our minds still go there. I'm not sure where you live, maybe Australia? Here in the us we have a national suicide prevention phone number. Trained professionals help to talk us down in those times. I have the number programmed into my phone just in case. There are also local crisis lines to call. Someone to talk to that is not biased. I was diagnosed with ptsd

Oct 08, 2015 5:47 AM

Oops, as a teenager, perhaps your mom does not realize that this is not something we simply get over. My prayers are with you. You are not alone! Blessings ✌️❤️

Oct 08, 2015 6:04 AM

You got my country right. I am indeed aussie. I am always surprised by how much our lives are all alike not just because of pain. We have the same service here and i use it regularly but it has become so bad i really do think i should be in hospital. But like i said before without someone to help my husband with our kids i can't get the help i need. And i feel selfish for even needing to go. I really do appreciate your support and i hope you know you have support here from all of us. I think we all loose friends and family through our pain but it is really refreshing to find them here. I will be sending my positive vibrations to you lovely xxxx

Oct 08, 2015 6:23 AM

Are there social services that could provide some in home care to help your husband and children? Selfish? No way! Like when you are on an airplane and they give the safety demonstration. In the event the oxygen masks are needed, put yours on first then on your child. If you need help, it is beneficial to your children and hubby for you to get the help you need. I'm not sure what is available there, but maybe something to look into? You being better makes your family better. I do hope you can find some help. Good vibrations all around xx ✌️❤️

Oct 08, 2015 9:36 AM

Fallen, having been in pain myself for 22 years, I understand with all my heart and soul wanting the pain to just go away. I have been in very dark places and wished that God would just end my suffering. I know that he has a reason for me to be here and I don't know why but he does and I have to just accept that. I can tell you that I think my purpose is to come here and read everyone's posts and see who I can help and support. It does distract me from my pain and I always feel better in my heart after having been here with "my peeps". I am so sorry that the hospital dismissed you like that. I guess you should be happy that they didn't admit you to the psych ward for a 72 hour hold after your hubby told them you're suicidal. No matter what, if you step back and look at the most grim situation, there is always something good that happens along with it. You do have blessings in your life even if you feel like you don't. Know that you are never alone and that I am just a keystroke away if you need me. I'm sending you gentle {{{{Hugs}}}} to get you through. I hope you get some relief of your pain and the pain in your heart. Know there are people here to care about you. You will be in my prayers. 🌻🙏🏻

Oct 09, 2015 6:37 AM

Fallen, have you tried just talking to a psychologist or counselor - seeing one regularly? Have u tried herbal supplements? I was just diagnosed today with BiPolar2 - i have severe depression with suicidal thoughts and severe anxiety as well.

No matter what anyone says, you cannot deal with this alone. Depression is a mental illness - it is an imbalance in your brain of hormones, chemicals, etc. Chronic pain and stress both worse depression symptoms. Depression is just as valid and real a medical condition as any other. It is IMPOSSIBLE for someone to just "get over it" or "stop thinking about it". It is not a moral failing. Neither is thinking about suicide. It is not selfish. Thoughts like those are our minds way of telling us that something needs to change in our lives asap. If you can't use medication, there are also things like acupuncture or biofeedback that might help. I highly recommend a therapist though. If nothing else, keep posting here. Keep talking to us. Anytime. All the time. Someone will be here.

Oct 09, 2015 6:46 AM

Amie thanks for the kind words. I have seen lots and lots of therapist. The last two left to have babies. I have one now through the pain clinic but she wont be long term care and in there lies my problem. I get so tired of having to tell my story over and over again. And i have to so they can help me properly. I will keep posting here because it seems to be the only place i feel free to talk about it all and not be judged. You are all more caring than most of the people in my life. I will be here for anyone else who might be in the same place as me. Strangely enough i am studying to become a counselor. If i can't help myself maybe i can help others.

Oct 09, 2015 6:52 AM

Just as an aside: brain scans have been done on people who are depressed, as well as on ppl who have chronic pain. Both have shown that the brains of these individuals are DIFFERENT then ppl who are not depressed or in pain.

Our brains create more neuropathways. We are literally wired differently. Not surprisingly, at least to us, we r tougher then the average person. We can actually deal with stress better, empathize with others more, and stay strong thru things other ppl without our experiences can't. We r always the ones other ppl come to for help. We r the ones other ppl rely on.

Hang in there. You are a valuable person. Stand firm and take small breaks through the day. Make it a game with the kids. Quiet time with mommy. Get some granola bars and make it a snack break. Take each day as you can. I hope all this helps ((hugs)).

Oct 09, 2015 7:29 AM

Ok I gave myself a kick up the arse many times to keep my head straight. My hubby walked out on me back in 2010 then I found out he was having an affair with a friend. My life fell apart. I didn't stop but I was a robot. The pills the Dr gave me made me so paranoid my uncle had to talk me down. So I threw my life into my children and work. My hubby didn't want to see the kids let alone acknowledge them but I did it all and we were fine. A few years down the line and his mother put pressure on him to see the kids. Good you may think. But bad for me. He stalked me. He stalked the house. Took pictures of people who visited me. Hacked my facebook accoubt. Sent me thretening texts. When i did meet someone I didnt tell the children he showed them picture and told them bad things about him. Caused so many problems between me and the kids.He told the kids I went looking for sex when they weren't with me. He even told them I was in town drunk and all over every man I met. Which was a total lie as I was at my sisters with the flu. Anywayhe eventually took me to court and never turned up himself and told people it was my fault. He then took me to court again to get access rights. For his mum really. Then he abused them and I stopped contact. He took me to court and even with all the police reports and social services reports he somehow got full custody and I only had access. But then he stoppedme seeing them, moved so i ciuldnt find rhem and the courts would do nothing. My world collapsed and I was ready to end it all. My friend didn't allow me to and made me focus on what I had and fight. Life was getting harder and harder but I still fought. Then I was rushed into hospital and was told I may have cancer. After several test they put it down to a hiden ovary and left me to it. By then my fight for my kids and no help or contact from my family was putting more stress on my health. My friend ordered me to move in with her. I lived on her couch. We started riding bikes at the weekend and her kids loved it. But one day my friend stopped and slid on the gravel, shattering her knee. Now more stress of visiting her everyday. Caring for her children and her and still working took its toll. Plus I couldn't afford my mortgage and my house was about to be taken off me but I never told anyone. My friend had an operation and was eventually allowed home. I cared for her doing everything even though my own pain was starting to win. I cried most nights into my pillow. I was eventually given 4 weeks to empty my house and it would be taken off me. I panicked and rush around for a new place to live. As sleeping on my friends couch wasn't supposed to be long. I found a place and was promised it would be perfect when I had to move. 3 months later and help from my mortgage company I eventually moved into my little stress trap. Some work had been done but it was still unlivable. That was Feb 2015 it's now Oct 2015 and work is still in progress. My flat was recently flooded from upstairs and the remaining things I had were soaked. Two weeks and the leak was fixed. But now they have to pull the plaster off all my walls so they can dry out. Two weeks they said but that was Tuesday and nothings been done yet. I again have had enough and was thinking about ending it all. I'm just a pain and a blip on people's lives. My friend wouldn't let me and reminded me I had promised to take her kids abroad next year. I have never broken a promise to child and don't intend to do it now. I've noticed a pattern that when I'm at my lowest and want to hide there is always a reason to carry on. Currently I'm lay on one couch and my friend is on the other. Both of us are in pain today but a bar of chocolate and the cinema is our plan. It doesn't matter how small of a plan we have we try to stick to it, it gives us a reason to live and keep going. Hugs to you hun and know even though we aren't with you physically there is always someone on here to talk to. Life is shit but what we do with it can make it good or bad.

Oct 09, 2015 7:47 AM

Dally, your story absolutely blew my mind!! God bless you and your friend. (Friends are the family we get to choose). You are an amazingly strong woman and have been through so very much. Your story both inspired me and makes me want to kick myself in the ass every time I birch because there are so many folks here that are worse off than me. I always feel so much better when I come here and am able to cheer someone up, give someone a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. This group is made up of so many special and wonderful folks that I have been privileged to get to know one at s time. I try to be here every day so I can welcome all the neebies and see how all of my other peeps are doing. I feel very much a part of this wonderful family and for the most part has taken away the feeling of ever feeling alone. The one thing (well, there are many things) that hold true is that we are ALL very strong. Even when. We think we're not, we muttle through and do the best we can with what we've got. It's a gloomy day here in good old NY but you all are a ray of sunshine on a rainy day. Sending you gentle {{{{Hugs}}}} and prayers that you and your friend totally enjoy that chocolate bar and cinema. All the best to you Sally. And all my other peeps.🌻🙏🏻

Oct 09, 2015 7:56 AM

Sallyw your story was so wow. I can't believe how much courage you have and after all you have been through i take my hat off to you. You have got to be the bravest and strongest person i have come across. I hope with everything in me that you find your peace and happy place again and you get your kids. I also hope your ex gets the karma he so richly deserves. I have an ex like that and i personally think they should all be put on an island and that island is used for nuclear testing. Thank you for your support and back at you. Xxxx

Oct 09, 2015 8:10 AM

And that they should be castrated upon arrival... LOL!!! 😳
Oops.. That just kind of jumped out of me.

Oct 09, 2015 8:13 AM

OMG castrated is too nice just shoot it off. Love the island plan when do we start. See in all our pain and misery there is always a bright side of it.

Oct 09, 2015 8:46 AM

SallyW, Reading your story of your last few years was like, "wow!". I've been through a lot since 2010 too, but I do have my family, my hubby supporting me through it all. I believe you are a very strong person, and blessings will follow the trials you have/are going through. You are already blessed with your friend, and she with you. I hope that over time, because of your consideration and fortitude, you will be able to regain custody of your children, or at least equal custody. I know that must be very very painful. (((Hugs)))!

Fallen, I also have a tear in my L4 disc, along with bulges, facet issues, & osteoarthritis in multiple areas of my spine. It's painful to get out of bed some mornings due to the stiffness. And the sciatica (acting up today in the left leg) makes for a difficult time if I need to leave the house. We also share the pelvic floor dysfunction. It's one of those diagnoses that unless you have it, you can't understand the turmoil it can create for your day. It's caused both bladder and bowel issues. I never know from one day to the next how it's going to affect my life. It's caused me to be morereclusive, because I can handle it at home if I have an accident, but I'd be mortified in public or someone else's house. I had an appointment yesterday, and I'm starting pelvic floor treatment for the bowel incontinence next week, for 9 weeks. The Urogynecologist was doing it for my bladder issues, but it reversed the good my previous bowel treatment has done. So if I have to choose between wearing a bladder bag/catherizing or a colostomy bag, hands down I prefer control over my bowels and will take a bladder bag or self cath any day! Concerning your antidepressant med, has your doc ever tried Nortriptyline (aka Pamelor)? It's been around a long time, and I've used it on & off since 1988, every time my serotonin gets unlevel. I have a long list of allergies and sensitivities to both pain meds and antidepressants, but this is one that is safe for me. My psych doc told me I'm likely to be on it for life after the last imbalance occurred in 2014. Also, in America we have county run psych health centers, counseling & meds, for those without a lot of money. It's free to some and others pay based on their income. Do you have anything like this available?

When I get down because of my struggles the lyrics of a song (fibro fog blocking the singers name), " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... " always comes to mind, and it coincides with words from the Bible that the trials we go through will strengthen us, which gives me a push to move forward. You will both be in my thoughts and prayers! May God bless your remaining year with positivity! ((Hugs)). 🙏🌼

Oct 11, 2015 12:18 AM

Just wanted to check on you to see how you are doing. Hope you've been able to get some rest

Oct 11, 2015 9:00 AM

Fallen, how have you been doing? Thinking about you, and hoping things have at least calmed down, if not also improved. Hugs & prayers! 🙏🌼

Oct 11, 2015 5:39 PM

Fallen, how are things going?? You have been on my mind. I hope that things have settled down some. You've been in my prayers. {{{{Hugs}}}} 🌻🙏🏻

Oct 13, 2015 10:44 AM

I can't begin to type the trauma I'm going through and years of. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I have fibro and it's robbed my life.

Oct 13, 2015 2:36 PM

Cspinelli, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. How can I help? You're in my thoughts and prayers. 🙏🌼

Oct 13, 2015 4:12 PM

Hi fallen
I live in Adelaide and am also one who has chronic pain issues as weas fatigue etc etc. I wont go over all that the rest of these wonderful people on here have said, except to say, maybe a change in dr and sometimes antidepressants don't really help like their supposed to. The only thing they dod for me me was to whack on 16 odd kg and on a 5ft body thats a shit load of weight!
Ask the dr about your local community care programs there is a program that helps people like us with everything to cooking meals, cleaning, gardening etc. If I find the number I will put it on here for you mate.
How old are your kids? One of the lovely ladies on here suggested to me about writing a short story fo my two (13 and 10 ) to help them better understand my pain issues
If you ever need a chat just put something up. We're at least in the same country possibly the same time zone.
And remember there are loads of people on here who know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. Chin up kiddo 😁😁

Oct 14, 2015 6:26 AM

I have been struggling a lot still. Lots of pain and it has been getting worse of late. I am still trying the pain program but with not a whole lot of success yet. The mental health triage called me today to see if i needed help immediately as my suicidal thoughts are getting worse. They want me to go on meds but finding the right doctor and medication is hard. Fingers crossed it works for me. I really do appreciate all of you who have sent me so much love and support. It really does mean the world to me. I lost so many people in my life to this pain and now i have a whole new family here. I love each and every one of you. Xxx

Oct 14, 2015 7:47 AM

I'm still praying for you Fallen. Be aware that when I was put on Cymbalta (for depression & fibromyalgia), it actually increased my pain and worsened my depression to suicide ideation. You would benefit from an antidepressant, but make sure you are informed of what side effects to look for; I wasn't. I've read others in the community has similar experiences, and others did fine. (((Hugs))) & a prayer. We will help you through. Sometimes always online so if you just need to talk or rant, whatever, we are here for each other.🙏🌼

Oct 14, 2015 8:33 AM

I was also put on Cymbalta for my fibro pain. But it did nothing for the pain at all. Mostly just made me feel worse about everything. Oh and as I've mentioned before, the weight gain.
Fallen, I had a three yr relationship with a man who tried to suicide three times within the space of 6mths. This has left a scar inside that is taking a long time to heal mostly because I kept it bottled up for those three years. But finally I got the nerve to actually talk to friends about it and it has done me a world of good.
Please remember that deep inside you are a strong person and no matter how bad it all gets or when you feel like its just not worth it. There is someone else out there somewhere who is doing it harder than us. I constantly remind myself of this,
Somewhere there is a child crying because her mummy or daddy won't be coming home tonight, for whatever reason .
Somewhere there is an old lady who has lost her husband of 60 years.
Somewhere there is a lady who has been in a wheelchair for 30years.

I remind myself because, I was that little girl, the old lady was my Nana and the lady in the wheelchair is my best friend from school.

So if you ever need a chat or are feeling like crap just put up a post and I'm fairly certain that one of us on here will help you through. 😊😊

Oct 14, 2015 12:11 PM

I can only give you information about anti depressants, they don't work for everyone. I have done extensive research on this issue, first for neuro pathways, new science shows that we can actually create new neuro pathways. Which is where cognitive behavioral therapy is a godsend. It trains you and your brain to change the images in your brain. Second for chemical imbalance, top psychiatrists and scientists have come out and said there is no way to test brain chemistry. It just looks good on paper. Many anti depressants will work for a short time and then stop working. This is actually a natural phenomenon. Doctors like to tell you that you need to increase your dosage when this happens. I've learned these the hard way. 22 years ago I was told my pain was all caused by depression. I've been on at least 10 or more over these past 22 years and none of them helped me. I'm definitely not discouraging anyone from taking them as like I said they do help some ppl. I currently take 20 mg of Prozac daily just because my doctors won't treat me if I don't take them. I always look up the drug and read about side effects. Then I look for support groups of ppl on these meds trying to get off of them. Many of the psych drugs have horrendous withdrawal symptoms. I would never recommend going cold turkey off of them. Fallen I've been thinking of you wondering how you are doing. If the medication will help you then perhaps you should give it a go. I wish we all lived closer and could help out with your children so you could go to hospital if needed. I'm praying that God will make a way where there appears to be no way. Xx ✌️❤️ hugs? lol

Oct 15, 2015 7:53 PM

Well i have had a harrowing morning. Along with the pain i have become severally agoraphobic. Today i drove 10 minutes down the road and while that doesn't seem like much it is huge for me. My body feels like i have run a marathon but i am here. I had to come because it is an appointment to see a psychiatrist to get me on meds. The doctors at the pain clinic are concerned enough to get me on meds. And this is a better option than going into care. I really do appreciate you all taking your time out of your days to chat and worry about me. Trust me when i say i feel the same about you all and i am always here when you need anything. Of course living in Australia it will have to be through here. Big gentle hugs to all and sending my love to you all. May you each have a pain free day xxxx

Oct 17, 2015 8:10 AM

Bless you...I fll on 10.22...aggravated s1/s2. My pain doc in saw the mri and the rad report...what did he do? Caudle LOA!!!!!! No breakthrough meds. 2 ms contouring 30s....ughhggg!

I'm sorry to vent...
but 7 years in & 5 major spine surgeries later, kinda like you just bummed

Oct 17, 2015 8:12 AM

Sorry for the sp...typing on cell!

Oct 17, 2015 9:14 AM

Blindcat it sounds like you are having a hard time too. I wish the doctors could feel what we do sometimes. Maybe then they wouldn't be so quick to take medications away. I awake with the worst tremors i have had in years. They boarderline on a painful tickle you can't get rid of. I have been waiting to see a specialist but like most of the other stuff it is a long wait. I am worried that if i don't sleep tonight i may go mad. It feels like a lifetime ago i slept a whole night without anything waking me. 2 Valium later i don't hold out much hope. I feel so out of control and that is a very bad place for me to be right now. I am so sorry to be saying this. Just struggling with it all. I just keep fighting. But i feel like it is a losing battle.

Oct 17, 2015 9:20 AM

It's never a losing battle. If you take a step back and look at the good things in your life and the things that you are still able to do, you'll see that it's true. I say this because I have been where you are many, many times. I have not gone to bed since 10/15 and could not sleep so I stayed up all night. Last night I tried again, was up until 3am and couldn't sleep, so I stayed up. It is totally maddening, disorientating and frustrating. The thing that helps is that I know I'm not alone and that there are many things in this life that I love too much to give up on. So, when you feel like it's a losing battle, call on me and I'll come running to remind you!! 💕🙏🏻🌻

Oct 17, 2015 9:34 AM

Thank you alwaysz. What you say makes sense and then this voice keeps saying just give up you can't win. I said to my husband last night that the voice that has stopped me from self harming for the past 6 months is his. But it is getting so quiet and easier to ignore the pain it would cause him if i do do something. I hate hurting him more than anything. I think i have done enough of that.

Oct 17, 2015 9:39 AM

Fallen, I hear you loud and clear. Believe me, I truly do. I know that you feel that you would no longer suffer and the pain would be over. Who doesn't want that? Believe me, I know.. It is very hard. I know that however quiet that voice gets it's still there.. Hang on to it. Hang on to us and hang onto your life. It's precious. You're important on this earth.. We can do it together ok?? I'll be here, I'll hold your hand, I'll give you my phone number, whatever you need to get through. I've got two ears to listen and two shoulders (bad ones, but two just the same) to cry on and two arms to give you {{{{Hugs}}}}. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Keep me posted. 🙏🏻🌻

Oct 17, 2015 9:53 AM

I will and thank you. You are truly an exceptional person and if you have achieved anything you have given me strength to get through another night.i will be forever grateful to you. You have a friend for life in meds kicking in making me drowsy. Lets see if sleep can be had. Xxxx

Oct 17, 2015 10:10 AM

Rest well my friend. I'm glad I could be of assistance. I meant every word I said. If you need me, holler and I'll be there. 💕

Oct 17, 2015 8:02 PM

Fallen, I echo everything AlwayZ said. I'm here for you too. I'm watching my neighbor struggle to go on with her life, while trying to get past the devastating shock of her husband taking his life last month. I too have felt suicidal, thinking I'd no longer suffer and everyone would be better off. But those are lies because each and every one of us has value to others, and ending our own lives would cause so much heartache and pain to those we love; family, friends, & coworkers alike. Hang on to that wish to not hurt your hubby. That is your lifeline, because he would be lost without you. The rest of us are extensions to your lifeline. (((Hugs))) & prayers for you. 🙏🌼

Nov 15, 2015 5:17 AM

Flappy, you are so right about hurting ourselves. When my mind starts going to that place where I think about not wanting to live anymore, I think of my kids first and then my husband and then my other loved ones. My children would be devastated and would never recover if I took my life. I'm not that incredible MOM and wife anymore and I know that must hurt them. But I know that the ultimate, unforgivable act of suicide would be far worse. Our children will always need us, no matter how old they get. At least I can be present in their lives still. Hold on tight!

Nov 15, 2015 7:01 AM

Reading your posts! I have felt so alone until now, thank you so very much

Nov 15, 2015 8:18 PM

Susieq718, you are right. Our children will always need us. Having watched my neighbors suffer through their husband/father's suicide... No way no how. I'll seek help first! 🙏🌼

Nov 15, 2015 8:45 PM

I know how you feel. My kids are grown and gone but my daughter left me her 3 year old boy so now my husband and I are raising our grandson we have custody of him. My husband sometime helps me out with him. But I know how it feels to go to bed and wish I never would get up. But our lives are worth a million. We just have to remember all the good and great times we have had. I am getting my strength from RJ my grandson. ((((Hugs))))((((prayers))))

Jan 17, 2016 4:04 PM

A little late but thank you Flappyslady

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