Learn from patients with pain similar to yours

CatchMyPain Community and Pain Diary App to manage chronic illness


Jun 02, 2015 4:16 AM

It's hard to admit to suicidal thoughts. So I'm going to practice in the safety of anonymity here since it's too early to call my doctor still.
I don't want to act on any thoughts. I have tons to live for. But I'm certain my newish Lexopro prescription is creating anger and suicidal thoughts in me. I will call my doctors office first thing when they open. It's still really hard to say.
I'm having suicidal thoughts that I do not want to act on. But they are there.

Jun 02, 2015 4:22 AM

Erm....Aliya, I just hope certain thoughts don't take over your thinking. I'm sure many has been there, but please, please go see your dr first thing in the morning or whenever they open.

For now. Just chill, do something you like for now, talk to someone who can listen. May it be here, just rant all you want. :)

Just think for one second....those who cares about you...what will happen to them after your selfish act. Think about what they have sacrificed for you since the beginning of your episode. Be grateful for life and in return, people around you will be grateful for your existence.

Jun 02, 2015 5:02 AM

Did you even read what I wrote?

Jun 02, 2015 5:07 AM

My life is great. I have no reason to be depressed. My new ssri is causing thoughts I don't want. This is a KNOWN side effect. I plan to call my doctor first thing when they open. I just needed to make saying it easier. I'm NOT planning to so a "selfish act". Why the heck would you tell someone that???? Did you have someone close to you kill them self?????? I was suicidal most of my teen years but I am well beyond those years and thoughts. I'm not being desperate here. I'm being honest. Now you are making me wish I had said nothing even here.
How about, "it's good you recognize your needs and will get help in the morning give us an update later. "

Jun 02, 2015 5:09 AM

Sorry my bad... πŸ˜“

Jun 02, 2015 5:21 AM

Just maybe think through what you say a bit more before you say the wrong thing to a teen some day.
I did respond rashly. I'm sorry. I'm really struggling with anger too.

Jun 02, 2015 9:25 AM

It's ok Aliya. You sound like you know exactly what to do. I've never, as far as I know, had intrusive thoughts from medications, but it sounds pretty awful.

Anger on the other hand...ooh boy. I'm almost positive that my Cymbalta stopped working long ago and all I'm left with is anxiety and simmering fury.

I hesitate to ask this, and obviously feel free to not answer, but what is it like? How would I know if it was medication and not just my anxiety and depression?

Jun 02, 2015 10:06 AM

Suicidality and or akathesia caused by drugs can create inner restlessness, high levels of irritability, anger not related to anything in particular.

I took Paxil, woke up the next day, and thought I had gone crazy.

P.s. Thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, or committing suicide is about as selfish as having a heart attack or stroke. It's a medical emergency and has nothing to do with morality.

Jun 02, 2015 10:51 AM

Thankfully one of my friends is the receptionist at my doctors office. I was able to text her instead of having to voice it outloud. I have an apointment set up.

Amieleblanc, the way *i* know is because I started feeling a little blue during the winter. Slight depression that moved up and down. But it was fairly diffuse. I went on Cymbalta and it was great. I had more patience with my kids, wanted people around, etc. but about 10 days ago my doctor switched my meds. As the days have passed my anger and anxiety and stress have Increased steadily. Last night thoughts entered my mind and even though I don't want any of them, they were difficult to shake and sleep through. I know it is medication related because it came on fairly quickly after starting a new med. and the thoughts originate from nothing at all.

Jun 02, 2015 1:40 PM

Aliya, I've been where you are. Last year my cymbalta did the same thing to me, only I didn't recognize what was happening. A new doctor asked if I was depressed and I replied of course, who wouldn't be. She then asked if I was suicidal, and my reply was that although I didn't want to kill myself, it wouldn't bother me if I dropped dead or something took my life. Needless to say after a few more questions she started weaning me off the cymbalta. The feelings are real and scary. I'm so glad you knew and I hope the doctor gets you on the right med. Prayers being said for you!

As Starrynight stated, suicide (thoughts or actions) is a mental illness the person can't control, whether it be from sickness or mental confusion, guilt or worthless feelings, or even in a rash moment to hurt someone else, etc, it begins in the mind and requires medical intervention for treatment to stop feeling that way inside. My cousin committed suicide in the midst of losing his wife and stepson, but he had issues of depression most of us knew nothing about. My husband's cousin also committed suicide, and she actually planned every step. She had an illness that she could no longer live with, an illness of the ears that drove her mother inane, and she said she didn't have the strength to go on.

Suicidal tendencies run in my family. Other than last year with the med issue, at one point in my life i felt everyone else would be better off without me; i was suicidal for sure. And yes, there are predispositions to many families. For someone who has never felt this or had a family member go through it, is really hard to help you understand just how we feel as the warped thoughts run rampant in our minds. Hugs from me to anyone out there who has been down that road! And prayers for all to not suffer through this! πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Jun 02, 2015 2:40 PM

I am so glad you recognized what is going on! I have been suicidal, and I understand where you are right now. I also know that if someone had told me I was being selfish at the time that would have been the last straw for me. I am so glad that you are not at that place and are able to realize that the meds are working against you instead of for you.

I have hEDS and last December I was having a very tough time with injuries and pain. November I sprained my knee (I later found out I had dislocated it) then in December I dislocated my ankle. I started crying in my doctors office after she had denied letting my boyfriend and I in the same room for our appointments. Because I was crying she decided that I was depressed and had me start taking Trazodone. Within a week I was so angry that when we went to our local fast food place and I found a hair in my burger I came very close to throwing the burger at the manager when she tried to tell me she was sure there was no hair in it. I pulled the hair off the burger in front of her and the other people waiting to order. This is so not like me and I didn't' like that person at all. I stopped taking that med that day and have refused to take it since.

I am also glad that you had the strength to come to this group for help. Thank you for trusting us. I hope you come back to visit often. I read the posts every day, but seldom post.

Jun 02, 2015 3:06 PM

Aliya, I think Octobot just wanted to help you. It seems unfair to jump at her. If somebody starts talking about suicidal thoughts people should rather give too much support and advice than too little.

We are a family, We need to stick together.

Hugs to all of you

Jun 02, 2015 3:10 PM


You sound like a very smart person. You probably didn't want to scare your friends and family with the thoughts you were thinking and like you said, you needed to say it. If I am wrong, I am sorry. I can just imagine me being that way. I applaud you just admitting it to yourself. So many times we may just entertain the sadness by ignoring the issue and not taking positive actions. But putting the words out there, allows you to see what is going on an take action.

When that has happened to me, it has never been by a medication but by sadness, I have admitted to myself like you did and I have told someone real close to me that I know won't overreact and realizes that they are intense feelings but nothing that threatens you at present if helped promptly. It is hard to find a friend who won't tell your loved ones or others in that situation. So this is a nice venue. So we only hope that people like you know themselves well to know their limitations.

When I get in situations like this and admit it to myself like you did, I have taken action. Some of the things I have to do is be very careful to the music I listen to and the shows and movies I watch. I seem to gravitate towards these things when I am depressed. That is me though. The reason I do is the medication they have me on makes me numb. I usually feel like a fake person. So sad feelings is like at least feeling human. Like I said that is me. But I said, you did great. I think you should view this as a sign of your strength. Hope I didn't offend.

Jun 02, 2015 8:15 PM

Aliya I am glad you were able to get in touch with your friend at your Dr's office so they could relay your message to the Dr faster to get you in to see him/her. Good luck will be praying for you.

Jun 02, 2015 10:05 PM

Let me address the selfishness issue here. Hopefully I will make sense. This is coming from my teen years well over a decade ago.
Suicide is far from selfish in the eyes of the victim.
Suicide is not selfish.
It is not about someone doing something for themselves.
From the victims broken perspective is is one last effort to not be a burden.
From that perspective, dying seems like it will cause less trouble than living.
Of course everyone around them don't want this. I'm simply trying to offer perspective.

Jun 02, 2015 10:09 PM

Aliya, I hope you were able to get your meds changed today. I'm still praying for you. I've had two meds in my lifetime that totally changed my personality. One made me want to die and the other made me want to strangle anyone who contradicted anything I said. Medication issues are scary. Hugs and prayers for a much better night tonight!

Octobot, I hope you're okay too. I've said things, unintentionally, that came out the wrong way and hurt someone, so I understand. It's embarrassing and made me feel like a heel, or better yet I wanted to crawl under the table. Everyone knows you meant well out of concern. Hugs and prayers for you too! πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Jun 02, 2015 10:15 PM

Aliya I guess our posts crossed. You said it perfectly, about not wanting to be a burden, about thinking they would be happier and less burdened if they didn't have to take care of us. It seems selfish to those left behind but to the one suffering they think they're doing what's best for everyone else. I've been there and felt it. πŸ™πŸŒΌπŸ’•

Jun 02, 2015 11:10 PM

After having been around a lot of suicidal and depressed people, I'd have to say that no person chooses to feel like s/he is a burden to his/her loved ones.

I have been on so many drugs that have caused bad side effects that I cannot and will not take almost any psychotropic drugs (with the exception of Wellbutrin--which is the last drug to stop taking). I have been absolutely out of my gourd. I had problems which, for me, could have been better solved with managing my thoughts and behaviors, instead of medicating them.

While I've had bad experiences (this also includes drugs like lyrics and neurontin), I know, and am fully aware, that these drugs help many people. But that they have to be used with good, competent supervision (I mean the doctor).

Everyone I've met has some kind of circumstance--family/pain/sickness/loss/addiction/etc.. I have not met a depressed person who exists in a vacuum. Instead of being drugged (that was the thing in the 90's) and feeling guilty about my existence, I wish that I had been taught how to have a sense of pride and accomplishment--and the ability to trust my own decisions and not rely on other people's opinions about MY life (and if I'd had that--I'd have gone a totally different direction).

I've been having this idea--there's those summer programs for kids from urban areas that take them to wilderness areas and give them outdoor training to build their confidence, self esteem, and their ability to rely on themselves. I've been in so many programs where the emphasis is on "what went wrong," or "what's missing--" what ever happened to all those things that have gone well/right? There are places for people with disabilities to get help--why are there so few pride-oriented activities for people with depression/chronic pain? (For me, at least, they went hand in hand...) I've been to places where things are supposed to be fun--what they were--was ridiculous. Adults should not be herded in groups like sheep. Adults are not children--actually, children are treated differently and with more respect. In my mind, the bio-psychology promoted by groups like NAMI did not encourage my self direction and growth. Believing that there was something intrinsically wrong with me did not help AT ALL with learning how to stand up for myself and get the care I needed/had paid for/deserved. I would love for there to be a more positive strengths model based on actions that people perform/do/learn to do/in their daily lives--in the contexts of their families/jobs/loved ones/friends. This is not CBT.

Like: What can I DO to BE better....?

It's like Free To Be You and Me (70's?/60's). Some kind of help is the kind of help we all could do without.

Mindfulness was helpful for me--not because of exactly what we did, but because it gave me enough strength to try and get my pain properly treated... And wonders never cease...


Jun 02, 2015 11:21 PM

Hang in there... suicide is not the answer! I have suffered horrible depression and even attempted suicide. I miraculously woke up after taking enough stuff to kill 4 horses! It wasn't my time to go, AND, I will never do that again! Good times are temporary and bad times are temporary! "This too shall pass." Be strong, sweetie!

Jun 03, 2015 4:23 AM

I do think there may be some confusion when it comes to selfiousness. I don't think that we can determine ourselves whether or not a person had or had not acted selfishly that led them to such an act. But the truth of the matter, is that in some cases, previous behaviors of selfishness before a severe mental breakdown occurred could have led to this course of action. This would not be the case in clinical depression or post partum depression and things such as that. These are physical illnesses that people have no control over.

What I am talkin about is something that all of us need to worry about. Especially us who deal with chronic pain. It is stated in the Bible at Proverbs 18:1 "One isolating himself will seek [his own] selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth." People who START to get depressed may have the tendency to instead of reaching out to their friends for help but look inward. They think about themselves and their situation. We with chronic pain can do that. I won't speak for you but I will speak for me. I am stuck at home most of the time. On top of that, I have an anxiety disorder. I use to be the most outgoing guy in the room. The center of attention who made every one laugh and made plans to keep everyone entertained and happy at church.

The day I had my accident, my life changed. People came to see me in the hospital and everything but after I got home. I didn't see people anymore. No letters. Very few phone calls. Thank goodness I had one best friend who was true. I moved, a new congregation I really didn't come to know but I really don't get visits and I don't get phone calls. I will correct myself, one person calls me regularly and comes and plays cards with me once a month. I could really use this situation to look inwards at my situation in life. To think about me and how hard it is on me. I can think about how lonely I am. I can choose music that causes me to feel bad, sad, and lonely. I really shouldn't comment on this one as I use music to make me feel different emotions even sad to feel human as my medicine makes me feel numb. We can watch movies that continue to make us feel the way we feel. We can choose to isolate ourselves from our friends by saying we can't get together when we can or not accept their calls. We can stop leaving the house. I do that because of anxiety though folks. I wish I could do it more often. I just feel safer at home.

Behavior like that can be selfish in the beginning and may not be the cause of a chemical imbalance. It is something that we have to be careful of especially if we are stuck home with chronic pain and isolated. We need to instead of look inward, reach out like we are doing here. Like Aliya did last night. I hope I didn't offend anyone. But there is a little selfishness in some cases.

Ready to start relieving your pain?

Join Community