The last few days have been rough. I keep forgetting things- especially while driving. I'm stuck in such a fog that I can barely remember I need to pee none the less where I'm going.
My boyfriend wants to do things. Nothing strenuous. Just dinner and a movie.
I can't even function through that. My hands hurt so bad I can barely write or type. My hips feel like they're being drilled through. I have no energy. I can't hold things properly and need to ask for help. And every time something like it happens, every time I back out of plans or have to leave early or can't function through a conversation because I can't remember what was being said five seconds ago.
I want to burst into tears. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. Because even though people tell me I'm not a burden, and that it's okay to take care of me, past experience tells me that that's just not the case.
I know I'm letting people down. I can see the look on their face every time. I can't take two hours to myself without feeling guilty none the less a day. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I'm tired of one day of pushing myself making me vomit for six hours because my body can't handle it. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being a shitty friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. I'm tired of being tired.
Usually, I try to stay optimistic.
Today is not one of those times.