I agree with Momflyer. Your pain is NOT who or what you are. You ARE in there and you will, over time, find a way to emerge and let the person you are shine through the pain and anguish. Know that you are not alone. There are MANY of us here with exactly the same agonizing pain day after day, hour after hour, not remembering what it felt like to not have any pain. I am sorry that you are feeling so dark and depressed. It is a very hard place to dig yourself out of but you have to. There are blessings all around you if you look for them. I know sometimes, when I am wallowing in my suffering, I don't want to feel better (mentally), I just want to have my pity party and that's that... Then, I think to myself, I have people who love me, I'm blessed at my age to have both of my parents still here with me. I try to do things for them by taking them to appointments or whatever they need. Hang in there, you will be in my prayers and remember that you can always come here and rant, cry, scream or whatever it is you need to do at that time. You will find that there will be times you will come here and actually inject humor into someone's day.