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Tired, sore and extremely PO'd

Mar 15, 2016 3:55 PM

I'm in so much pain with my neck and back and my body feels so heavy like if takes so much effort to get up and make a cup of tea. I try and sleep every chance I get but I'm always e haunted. My Mum isn't well and I do EVERYTHING for her. I work full time and I'm constantly chasing round after her needs. I started up one of my hobbies lately and I'm trying to do that to have something in my life that makes me happy again but it is hard to keep going. Any time I can't do something for my Mum I'm made to feel guilty. She doesn't care at all that I'm am not well myself even if I am in bed all day in agony of she needs anything she would expect me to get up and go out for her before she would even consider doing anything herself. I'm not allowed to be sick, I'm not allowed to say no, I'm not allowed a break me I feel really close to losing it with her. My whole life has been put on hold for her I spend all my time with her as I hate her being alone and my other siblings don't bother with her because they can't be bothered with her being sick all the time. She really doesn't appreciate a thing I do for her and I just feel so angry. Everything is just expected from me and to be honest I think she makes my illness worse as I'm always so stressed. I love her but I feel like she doesn't care about me at all.

Mar 15, 2016 10:37 PM

SpiritualGirl, I don't think that your Mom doesn't care about you. From my own experience, I find that my family tends to think that if I look good and I'm not laying in bed crying in a fetal position then I can't be that sick. It's disheartening because there is no way to get them to truly understand. If she doesn't suffer from chronic pain, she can't understand what you're feeling or how very difficult it is. I am in nO way, shape or form giving your Mom any excuses, I'm just giving you an alternate view. My Mom used to suffer menstrual migraines and be in bed for days puking and in agony. One day I told her to imagine her very worst migraine and then imagine it being with you for 23 years 24/7. It did open her mind for a little while and I still have to remind her from time to time. I also think that living with my Mom and Dad (because I had to move back in with them when I couldn't work any more) makes it harder because they are looking at me constantly being sick and tired and it's draining on everyone. They don't want to see me hurt but at the same time, they don't want me to go on family vacations because they "need to get away from me" or "I may ruin other family members vacation because I don't feel well". I wish you all the best and I hope that things get better. One suggestion I could make is during a calm time (perhaps a meal), have a conversation and be open and honest about how you feel and what you feel is going on. Try to keep the conversation on a quiet and calm level and be completely honest about what you're feeling. Keep the lines of communication open. Sending you reassuring and gentle {{{{Hugs}}}} and prayers that things begin to improve for you and your family. 💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Mar 15, 2016 10:46 PM

Hugs! I know the feeling you are going through. I help take care of my mother too. I live in the next town over while her husband (my stepfather) works all day and the weekends so he doesn't have to do for her other than to make a living for them. He loves her I know it, I end up with the household chores from her house and my own. Meanwhile my younger 38 yr old brother is living with them and won't come out of his room long enough to help out around her house so I can make the trips to the grocery store and pharmacy and Dr trips. By the time I get done with her house I'm in too much pain and too tired to take care of me. If I don't drop everything I'm doing or need to do for me to help her I'm made to feel guilty or have extremely means things said about me. They are getting new flooring put in so that it's easier on me to clean but I had to drive 13 hrs to go pick up a friend who has MS for help because I can't pack up her house by myself. The only concession is that my mother does understand my pain as she has fibro and suffers from pain from radiation therapy when she had breast cancer. No one else in the family understands. Always here to lend an eat and shoulder if you need it.

Mar 16, 2016 12:02 PM

Alwayzinpain my Mum does suffer Chronic pain so she does get it but she just thinks she's worse than everyone else. U could break ur finger nail and she will manage to have a spree finger nail than u and in an even worse way. I know it's a stupid example but that's how it is with her. I could say I have a sore head today and she would reply 'I know my head.......' And make it all about herself all the time. None of my siblings bother with her much because they can't be bothered with her illness and moaning whereas I understand it as I go through it too but she does nothing to help me. I could stay over night in hers and end up in bed in agony and she would still come into me in the bedroom if she needed anything from the shop and ask me to go out before she would even think of doing it herself and that's even on days when she is well enough. I feel like I am her carer rather than her daughter. If she runs out of painkillers she borrows off me (as we take the same ones) and if I hardly have any left she expects to take my last ones and me do without. I'm so tired of it all. I always give give give but get nothing when I need help. x

Mar 16, 2016 12:19 PM

I feel your pain... hugs...I'm gonna pass on to you what a friend told me the other day when I was complaining about the mom situation....call for a day off like you would for a regular job.... I'm gonna try it today and see how it goes....so far my mom has gotten up and done their dishes and laundry at least that's what she just told me in a text....I put my phone on do not disturb so that I can relax...I scheduled a manicure and a massage....I hope the day goes well....I'll be thinking of you....while hoping that I don't pay for this day off tomorrow :)

Mar 16, 2016 9:50 PM

Ok so here is my update....I got most of my own housework down which included my own laundry (yay! I have clean clothes to wear....I don't have to go naked and run the risk of a stoning lol )....mom is fine...she says she did some of their laundry and the dishes and even drove herself to the market and out to eat with my step-dad for dinner. She says "I'm dying I can't do anymore today....I'm going to go to the recliner and knit" so I'm assuming that she's tired and sore but otherwise ok...I did enjoy my day off until this evening when my pain levels kicked in to overdrive....waiting for meds to work while I have a snoring pug in my lap.

Mar 16, 2016 10:55 PM

Aw Sleepless Mel I do hope ur pain dies down and u get some relief. It's lovely u got a day off but unfair if u have to suffer for it. I haven't spoke to my Mum all day - not even a text to see if I'm ok. I left some mess at hers by accident and I'm too stubborn to go get them but I bet if I was to go take them away that's when she would give a damn xxx

Mar 17, 2016 10:36 AM

I hear your pain and frustration. Another perspective. My mom died of cancer when I was 13 years old. Prior to her death I slept on the floor by her hospital bed which was at home so that I could be as close as I could to her in order to hear her and respond to her every need. The day she died I had ran off to school without giving her a kiss good bye. While I was at school she passed away. I would have given anything to turn back the clock and take the time to kiss her good bye. I also would give anything to be able to care for her again. As she died while I was in middle school ...she was not there for my transition into womanhood...or high school...or my accomplishments in high school or to help me pick the dresses for the formal school dances, or my first boyfriend, high school graduation, or to help me pick which college to attend, marriage, my first child, my second child, to support me through my divorce, my first college degree, .... To cry on her shoulder with the diagnosis that causes my chronic pain... To move back home with. I would love to turn back the hands of time. I miss her so.
Peace and Blessings!

Mar 17, 2016 5:00 PM

Spiritual Girl. You sound like a wonderful daughter. Hog your pills, she'll need to ask the doctor for a refill. I liked what SleepLessMe said, take a day off.

MySistersKeeper, I was my mom's primary caregiver, my sister and one brother lived away and the other brother who was local ignored her. She ended up in a nursing home, she couldn't manage at home. I loved her so much. I had her until she was 90 years old.

She once told me that she never knew that anyone could love her as much as I did. I still talk to her. I was having difficulty making the decision to retire, I said ok mum help me, I slipped during the night and was out of work with a knee injury, I said Thank you mum. A month later when my leave was over, I developed pneumonia and a collapsed lung from the same fall that injured my knee. I said ok mum, that's enough now and I put in my resignation. She's been gone 10 years.

Mar 17, 2016 5:32 PM

So here is today's update...taking the day off yesterday made today's work hard but the appreciation for the work done was there. That helps at least until it's forgotten again. :) I love and care for my mom and I have seen her thru her cancer and her pain and that won't end...well until it does.....then I will miss her terribly....much worse than losing a limb....until then I will get frustrated and get my feelings hurt and forgive and repeat the process over and over again

Mar 17, 2016 5:48 PM

Hugs. Try L-methyl folate for the fatigue. At least 15 mg a day. Amazon so you don't have to go get it. 😉 made a difference in my fatigue. Find a hobby. Fight hard to keep it. I used to be my mom's only caregiver. Get out of the house for at least a couple hours a week and don't feel guilty for it!

Mar 17, 2016 7:03 PM

I know it may seem I am resentful but I am really not I do love my Mum but I have given up my whole life for her since I was 18. I'm now 30 and I still have no partner/children my whole time is spent with her. My father passed away 3 years ago and I think it made me spend even more time with her because I had so many regrets with my Dad and not spending enough time with him but there is just no way she could say I never did a thing for her. I have dedicated my life to her and I'm watching everyone around me get married and have children and I just think when she goes I will wake up alone with no one! I don't see my friends who have given up on me because I am always doing things for Mum or spending time with her to keep her company so I do see Your point mysisterskeeper but as I watch everyone around me move on in their lives I am starting to think what about me? My life revolves around one person and when the day comes when she does pass on I will have no one! I don't really speak to my siblings partly because I have got into arguments standing up for her when they talk badly of her. The day after my father died my brother went to physically hit me as we got into an argument about her that's how much I was standing by her. No one stands by me though and I watch my siblings with their families and I think they have their family because they didn't let her make them feel guilty for having a life they put a distance between her and them and it's sad but it seems like it's something I have to do. xx

Mar 17, 2016 7:18 PM

I understand completely....I'm so sorry you feel like you are going through this alone and I know it's tough.... I have been where you are with your siblings and it doesn't get easier.... my brother and I have had some major blowouts....talking physical damage to each other and property....a lot of it over mom...the being alone....I hate to say doesn't get easier either....it's a hard life as a caregiver when you don't have someone or something acting as the caregiver for the caregiver....when my mom was going through cancer Cancer treatment centers provided the family the caregiver for the caregivers treatment we had counseling and got to participate in some of the special care they provided like massages and acupuncture and other things that helped me in particular cope with her care. All I can say is that we are here as much as we can to help. Is there anyway you can get home health for a couple days for her to help ease your load? If they only come once a week it will help. We just found a service that we can afford that will come 1 day a week and help with the chores so I gave some time off... we called them today they start next week. ..I'm really looking forward to it.

Mar 17, 2016 8:00 PM

SleeplessMel she won't accept help from a Home help. She believes we should be doing it and when I say we I mean me. Because she brought us into the world we should do everything for her. That is her attitude! I am ur mother u should obey me and jump when I tell u to. x

Mar 17, 2016 8:03 PM

I'm so sorry....hmmmm...I'll keep trying to think of something that will help YOU.... for now know that I am here venting when you need it :)

Mar 17, 2016 8:03 PM

Ok that was supposed to be for venting lol

Mar 17, 2016 8:26 PM

Thank u so much it means ALOT to me and just to be able to vent actually does help. I'm getting it out of my system and not bottling it up. Thanks to all of u xx

Mar 17, 2016 8:37 PM

Spiritualgirl, I have walked your path. My Mother told me "you OWE me" & she meant it. It was so sad that she felt l would never help her out love or kindness. She was bedridden for the last 6 years of her life. You vent whenever you need to! We do get it.

Mar 17, 2016 10:36 PM

Spiritual girl, I am going to say something and it is might hit close to home. But when I lived at home. I lived there til I was twenty. That sounds normal. But my relationship with my mother was not normal. She was not well. But she could do things if she wanted to. She would start the morning with having me make her coffee. She said I made the best coffee. I would change it everyday. One day I would put in two teaspoons another five and so on. But she said I knew how to make coffee just right. Just right was me making it. Then I would clean house and take care of her. I would even take care of her feet. As I would do this, she would tell people that I didn't do anything for her. I would let her because I hated her. No one ever brought out those feelings in me. All she wanted was a slave and no appreciation. Just to emphasize my point, she was making trips to a neighboring town and coming back. She was telling me she had cancer just to keep me feeling sorry for her. Her doctor after two years told me she never had cancer. Then I met someone and started dating. I got married. She tried to ruin my wedding. She made it about her. I didn't let her. But I stopped taking care of her and she started taking care of herself. She was just fine. She was able to get a home health person once a week to clean her house.

So what I am saying is this is you really need to evaluate your situation because we all deserve to have a life. Sometimes we can become codependent on someone and give them everything they need and intertwine our life with theirs and make it one. If your mom has access to those home health aids, you should insist she use them. Let her know you will no longer do those things because you can't. You have to put a value on yourself. You can't put more value on her when she does not not value you the same. I was just outraged to hear that she used your pain pills when she didn't have enough. I never heard of a mother who would rather their child be in pain over themselves. I guess I have heard of it. But not very much. I have to admit ii have a bias to people like this so I am sorry. I do believe though in their own convoluted way, they do love. I think your mother loves you. Just not enough to put your needs above her own. I do think at some point we all take care of our parents and it is natural. But our parents try to make it easy. Like I hate to ask my kids anything. My son thinks he is living at home to help take care of me yet I make sure I really never ask him for much. I ask him for little things like can he help with a patch on my shoulder. But that was all I asked in a month. Well I am done rambling. I think if you just cut back on the things you do and put your foot down she will be forced to do it herself. It is like that way with children, you tell them know, they will cry but they get use to it. She will make you feel guilty but you will have to make a pact with yourself to not let that work. But also to notice when she does need help. Best wishes. Sorry if I offended. This was close to home.

Mar 18, 2016 11:45 AM

Profiler u didn't offend u actually said a lot more things that matches my situation like faking illness'!! It amazes me and scares me that someone can be that horrible to go that far to try and manipulate!! xx

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