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Utterly confused!!!

Dec 09, 2016 6:06 AM

I'm feeling soo confused at the moment. I've gone from only getting 1-2 hours sleep a night for soo long I can't remember when it started to falling asleep every time I sit down. 😴

It doesn't feel like restorative sleep either, it's such a deep and heavy sleep that makes me feel worse....I didn't think that could be possible! 😴

It makes getting up so hard to the point I've dropped my daughter to school a few minutes late most days this week but this morning it felt impossible to get up. By the time I managed to get up it was 8:50am, she's meant to start at that time! By the time we left it was 9am and that was a miracle, I have no idea how I got dressed so quick! Her school are very understanding and they know everything that is happening, in fact they've gone out of their way to help us in any way possible in the past which I'm soo greatful for. 😇

I just don't understand how or why I've gone from getting hardly any sleep and feeling really bad to sleeping all the time, in such a deep, heavy sleep that I actually feel worse.....my neuralgia pain is worse, my anxiety is thro the roof and my mood is almost rock bottom. 😢

I've even started to take my nighttime meds at 7:30pm instead of 9pm to see if that would help but it doesn't seem to of made a blind bit of difference! 😕

I've tried to do things since dropping Jo to school, I've put chilli in the slow cooker and bearley managed to was up what I used let alone what was in the sink from yesterday and it feels like I've done too much....seriously chopping an onion and chucking everything the slow cooker and mixing it up then washing up 5 items is too much....this is beyond a joke now.....I also did some porridge in the microwave not because I'm hungry but I thought I had better eat something as I didn't eat last night as I was asleep! 😴

My 2 have been angels in regards that they know I'm not well so they're not arguing as much and I've been getting in microwave dinners, freezing leftovers, milk, cornflakes, cheese and bread so there's always something easy to cook....well my son has been refusing my cooking because it's not cheese on toast, cornflakes or a glass or 5 of milk!! Apparently a normal teenager phase I've been told??? 😨

If anyone has any advice or insight as to why my body has switched from one extreme to the other I will truly be greatful.

I hope everyone is having a good day/night wherever you are in the world and may the angels lift you and help you on your journey thro this life xx 😇 xx

Dec 09, 2016 6:45 AM

Hi Sezzy - Depression can cause deep sleep. What you've been through the past few months your body is exhausted.

Dec 09, 2016 7:05 AM

Thank you Animallover2 I've not really taken much notice of my depression because of the pain and the extreme anxiety I feel. I didn't realise it could just all of a sudden flip round like that....but I'm slowly realising that our bodies are very strange in the way it copes with things especially if you've had to repress you're feelings for a very long time!
Thank you, atm I can't seem to even think because of the heavy feeling that comes with this sleep, again it's worse than the "normal" fogginess I have!

I hope your having a good day AL2? If not my angels are on their way to help you thro xx

Dec 09, 2016 7:35 AM

Sezzy, it is very true that depression can have that effect on you and make you just sleep all the time. I wish I had that problem at the moment. I suffer debilitating depression at this time of the year and I can't sleep even with a sleeping pill I'm getting 2 hours and my anxiety is also through the roof. It goes with too much or too little sleep. I also tend to have palpitations when my anxiety is high. Try deep breathing exercises to get lots of oxygen into your system and put on some music that brings you up and makes you feel peppy. I hope you speak to your doctor and let him/her know what's happening. It's always good to keep them in the loop just in case. Sending well wishes and positive vibes your way!!💕😊

Dec 09, 2016 8:07 AM

Oh Alwayz I wish there was something I could do to help you. I'm finding this Christmas soo hard....in fact I'm really struggling all over, I used to be such a happy go lucky type of person, quite outgoing once I got to know people (I'm quiet and shy when I first meet new people) and soo laid back....according to my family if I was any more laid back I'd be laying down!!
So to have all this seems quite bleak at times but having my 2 house devils, street angels have kept me going.

Alwayz you can have this sleepiness if you want....it actually feels worse than having hardly any sleep, the fogginess is soo much worse and so is everything else.
I've sent you angels to lift you up, to give you my warm hugz to let you know I'm here and you're not alone. To hold you close when you're struggling with your anxiety and to remind you to just take a minute to just breath and to keep you strong. I'm here if you want to talk....PM me and I'll answer.
Sending you warm healing hugs, angels and positive vibes xx

Dec 09, 2016 8:15 AM

Thank you Sezzy!! I'll be ok. Just another day and have to look at all the gifts that surround me and good people and my BFF who puts a light in my heart and a smile on my face each and every day no matter how bad things get. Been dealing with all this pain stuff for around 25 years (probably more) so it's wearing on me but doesn't own me. Thanks for the hugs and I send them right back and hope you get some answers as to why you're feeling so tired and sleeping all the time. 💕😊

Dec 09, 2016 8:43 AM

It could be depression but it could also be Chronic Fatigue or a combination of both. When my Chronic Fatigue kicks in it feels like I have run into that proverbial brick wall. Even the thought of taking one more step is overwhelming.

(((( gentle hugs )))) my doctors started me on Rheumate. Its a prescription strength vitamin. That helps with the fatigue. But it isn't covered by my insurance. Its pretty much a dollar a pill. I also take Nuvigil in the AM to help with the fatigue.

If you haven't talked to your doctor yet hun, please do. Don't let it drag on - pulling you deeper into depression etc.

Anytime you deal with a chronic pain condition - depression will often be Its companion.

(((( gentle hugs )))) please call your doctor.

Dec 09, 2016 9:02 AM

Mimikay I've said about chronic fatigue but my GP just said I don't have the markers for it (she just pressed on my knee) and said it was all to do with what I'm going thro like PTSD and the neuralgia. I've tried calling for an appointment today but they are full so I'll have to call Monday as soon as they open to get an appointment for Monday otherwise my next appointment with her is the 4th Jan.

Dec 09, 2016 9:21 AM

Sigh.... I don't know why some doctors can't understand that not everything is black and white.

You know how to reach me should you need to talk and everyone here will also have your back. (((hugs)))

Dec 09, 2016 10:26 AM

I personally insomniac but fibro i think fucks wiith my insomnia n sleep .. I pass out in after noon late evening if i had long day doing things pass out its like ur being pushed back down like ur sooooo heavy u couldnt possibly sit up... Them u just wanna go back curl up it sucks ... Even with insomnia cuz it throws me off cycle

Dec 09, 2016 12:37 PM

That's exactly how I feel.....I chopped an onion then mixed everything in the slow cooker then went to wash up by the time I'd washed up the stuff I'd used I just couldn't stand up any more, I felt soo heavy that I couldn't even manage the stairs to go to bed, I had to lay down on the sofa. I go into a deep sleep but kept waking at one point I remember thinking there was someone else in the house as well but I was frozen, I couldn't move or make a noise or anything, I was terrified. I must of drifted off back to sleep at some point.
I've been having that dream now everyother day for the past couple of weeks but it doesn't register that it's a dream at all it feels soo real no matter how many times I have it
Idk my head is soo fucked up!!!

Dec 09, 2016 1:35 PM

Sigh Sezzy, wish things were getting easier not harder. Offside thought (amid life is sucking) maybe get your thyroid checked? I'm sure your body is in overdrive with your constant level of anxiety and pain.

My body isn't pleased with me at the moment either. I had a bout of stomach flu or food poisoning doesn't matter had to stay mostly horizontal for a day and now it's payback. My flares get aggravated if I lay down too long during the day.

Glads it's the weekend ... Perhaps your awesome kids will let you sleep in.

And yes sometimes just making chili is too much for me too.

Digging around for an extra spoon to send you ... Hey here's a soup spoon!

Take care?

Dec 09, 2016 2:06 PM

Sezzy, I'm sorry I'm just reading everyone's posts. Having been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, sjogrens, and hypothyroidism, as well as being told I may have chronic fatigue, I suffer exactly like you described at intervals, sometimes worse and sometimes not as bad. When it hits me it can be a few days or a few weeks at a time. When it occurs I just take it as easy as possible, and allow my body to sleep as it needs. It sounds like you are taking the shortcuts in meal peeps. Try not to let yourself feel guilty though, because you can't control how your body is responding. Whether it's depression, PTSD, or some other illness, just listen to your body's needs. Take breaks between every activity, like showering, dressing, drying hair, washing veggies, prepping to cook, and cooking, etc. I've had dreams like yours, nightmares that seem like reality. I hate them!. It's very scary thinking something breads about to happen and you can't move. At least i always wake before it goes bad. But it's frightening to try and wake up but not be able to completely, only enough to change the dream. I hope you can get in to see someone on Monday. Sending you hugs love and prayers this extreme fatigue soon passes, and that you find out what's causing it! 🙂💕🙏🌸

Dec 09, 2016 2:20 PM

Well this is a rough thread I feel for everyone. Pain induced depression is a brutal Beast at bedtime and waking. Since I was always Alpha living on the anxiety side of the spectrum when pain came along my doctors called it's "situational bipolar" because I would go from being my usual happy energetic self to being a sloth who could care about nothing but making it through the next moment. The swings were enormous and I would either sleep all the time or not sleep at all. And in either case I never felt rested.

After a time of that I gained some weight and accidentally filled out the wrong form in the doctor's office and they figured out I had sleep apnea now with the CPAP sleep machine and built-in humidifier I sleep Like a Stone, except for needing to get up and pee. My doctor thinks I've had sleep apnea all my life and that it contributed greatly to my anxiety disorder because it's constantly injecting you with adrenaline and a hyper-vigilant state as you're trying to sleep so you never truly rest. Over time it changes the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis gene expression to create chronic vigilance.

I know it's a struggle to keep seeking answers when you feel as you are right now and my heart goes out, but keep searching it's worth it. Blessings upon you love and everyone else suffering in this group.

Dec 09, 2016 2:25 PM

And now for a bit-o-comic relief courtesy of my hubby

Dec 09, 2016 7:57 PM

Foggurl in the last 2 or 3 blood tests my thyroid levels have been smack bang in the middle of the normal range.
Since I've had the implant contraception I've gone from being anemic due to extremely heavy periods to having no periods and being boarderline anemic....holding my own just above being anemic.....my vitamin D is borderline low and I had low inflammation markers in my last blood test which they attributed to the neuralgia pain.
Due to having the implant they can't test my hormone levels but they don't want to remove the implant because of how heavy my periods had become and the fact I can't tolerate the iron tablets.

Oh no Foggurl that's terrible, I hope your stomach is feeling better and that your flair doesn't last too long now that you're feeling better.

Oh a soup spoon how did you guess that's exactly what I need? Lol and soup is on the menu for dinner tomorrow!

Sending you warm healing hugs and positive vibes xx

Dec 09, 2016 8:23 PM

Flappys I have been trying to take it easy and at times my body has taken over and pushed me to sleep sometimes with no warning at all!
It's hard not to feel guilty that firstly I'm asleep most of the time and not spending time with my kids and secondly I've always tried my best to cook from scratch, to prepare healthy dinners for us but atm it's hard and with Jo not long being dx with type 1 diabetes I do feel more guilty that I can't cope with standing, preparing and cooking from scratch, that she's having ready meals or takeaways more often than I'd like.
I've even started buying the ready prepared soup/casserole mixes as I know I just can't stand that long to prepare the veg, plus I've found I'm not wasting as much food anymore doing that so where buying prepped food is more expensive it actually works out cheaper in the end because I'm not chucking away as much.

These dreams are very frightening and I can't seem to be able to wake myself at all, even enough to change the dream. I will definitely be going to the doctors Monday it's hard coping with it all.

Sending you positive vibes and warm loving healing hugz to you as well xx

Dec 09, 2016 8:45 PM

SaphiraJewel I've been suffering from anxiety and depression according to my doctors for a long time, a lot longer than when I was dx. It's been a hard few years due to many reasons and when I was dx with trigeminal neuralgia, the doctors think it was brought on by stress.
I've started seeing a primary care mental health nurse who will probably officially dx PTSD within the next couple of months, she wants to see me a few times before she dx that but she has dx that I have social anxiety which makes going out very hard. When I drive my daughter to school I just pull up outside the school and she gets out and runs in herself and when I pick her up she comes out to the car because going into the playground is too hard for me, too many people. I even wait to pick Jo up before I go into a supermarket for shopping.
I know the anxiety is irrational on a intellectual level but I can't override the feelings!

I love that picture....that is soooooo right and is how I feel when I wake up. Thank you for posting it, it did make me chuckle!

I hope your having a good day xx hugz xx

Dec 10, 2016 3:31 AM

Sezzy, you're breaking my heart girl. I have life long PTSD resulting in somataform chronic myofascial contracture and pain that came as a result of severe neglect between age 2 and 6 from well-meaning, but narcissistic father and a mother with disassociative identity disorder and compounding drug issues. Depending on the timing of your PTSD it could very well be amplifying your pain.

It's more important for you to rest enuogh to be able to converse with your child rather than cook or clean. I took care of a 4 year old while her mother was dying from ovarian cancer and every moment of lucid connection is all that truly matters. As for irrationality of social anxiety, the mind builds a construct it finds rational based on faulty understanding. I have recovered from it, and I wish you all luck and promise for unpacking the underlying substrate to untangle the fear and free yourself and family in time. Be kind and generous with your selfcare. Gald that silly cat gave you a giggle. 👼👼angels on your side👼👼

Dec 10, 2016 9:34 PM

SaphiraJewel I've wrote a reply to you many times over the last day but everytime I get distracted and I've either somehow deleted it or I have to do something and when I come back to finish the reply has disappeared!!!
I will try again!!!

Dec 10, 2016 10:05 PM

I have a lot of blanks in my childhood and I don't remember anything at all from before I was 5/6 years old.
I've been told that when my sister was 9 months old our biological father had her sat on the bar, at my nan and grandads pub, he turned and let go of her meaning that she rolled off the bar and hit her head on the floor. While my mum and grandad (mums dad) took her to A&E he took me to the seaside with his girlfriend. Me being around 2.5 years old came home and told my mum which ended up in them splitting up and getting divorced!
When they tried to arrange contact he would either turn up drunk or wouldn't come at all which left me in tears, apparently I was his favourite and I was a daddy's girl.
My mum got with my step dad a year or two after that and they married, had my baby sister then just as she found out she was pregnant with my brother we had to go into emergency housing because my step dad was becoming abusive (depending on who I speak to he was already very abusive but my mum says it wasn't that bad). First we was in a hostel type B&B then we had to move from there when he found out where we were into a woman's refuge. That wasn't a very nice place to be, one of the woman there her husband found out where she was and we all had to go in the one room that had no access to the fire escape or the ground floor so he couldn't get in (this is only one of the few memories I have of that time). My mum had my brother while we were in the refuge. Mum went to court to get full custody of us and they started talking then they got back together.
When I turned 13 I started helping my nan and grandad in there pub and shortly after moved in with them, when I've spoken to my next sister down about it she says that I was pushed out to move in with my nan and grandad but again I don't remember that. I loved being at the pub and working behind the bar and I was very close to my grandparents, I was my nans favourite, I was the oldest grandchild as well.

Posting this before it disappears again!!!

Dec 10, 2016 10:07 PM

Oh that was meant to be a condensed version of my childhood!!!!
There's still more.....

Dec 11, 2016 12:39 AM

For most of the time when I was at my nan and grandads I can remember my mum and step dad and siblings coming to the pub every weekend and my mum getting absolutely smashed every Saturday night, my grandad would have to send her to bed as when she was that drunk she would tell people what she really thought of them which really wasn't very good for business because there was quite a few people she didn't like!!! She was an angry drunk.

When I was 16 nearly 17 my grandad was dx with small cell lung cancer and my next sister down also moved into the pub as well to help out so not everything was left to my nan to run the pub.
My grandad didn't want to know the prognosis and would tell the doctors to speak to my nan and family. We was told that there was only a 5% survival rate but they were still going to fire everything they could at it to give him the best chance of survival. He went thro a year of chemotherapy, 2 weeks after the chemo he would end up in hospital with a severe case of tonsillitis and that was every single time. after about a year it had spread to the side of his brain so they stopped chemo and gave him radiotherapy. This he hated because it burnt his throat and all of his meals had to be pureed. The radiotherapy didn't work either and in April of 98 he was given 3 months to live and a spiteful nurse told my grandad knowing it was against our wishes.
My grandad was then taken to a hospice who were amazing but my grandad only made it 3 weeks before he passed. I was the last person he spoke to, I was the last person to get there that day he said hello to me then he slipped into a coma. That evening he passed away peacefully with all of us there (the younger grandchildren weren't in the room but were close by). It was a very hard time for the whole family.

Forward on a couple of years my nan sold the pub and moved into a house, me and my sister still lived with her but my mum and step dad had moved but both me and my sister weren't given the option to go with them, we were pushed out and it was obvious for everyone to see.
At that time they moved my mum started drinking, she would hide bottles of vodka all over the house and would literally knock it back to stop her head from going into overdrive, to just pass out so she wouldn't have to be in her head. This was a cycle that went on for many years and as the years went by and they went into managing pubs and eventually buying their own pub mum started taking tablets as well of the alcohol, in fact this carried on up till this easter where my uncle actually took my mum to hospital where she was kept in for 3 nights hooked up on a heart monitor because the amitriptyline she took had sped her heart rate up. When her heart calmed down an mental health nurse came and spoke to mum and she said it was because of mums hormones, it all happened in a cycle. She was released from hospital and they went to the doctors to talk about this. Their doctor was on holiday that week so they saw the other doctor who said mums hormones were fine but would do another blood test to make sure.....two days later mum gets a call from her normal doctor saying to came to the surgery for an appointment an hour later and low and behold her hormones were so completely up the creak! She's been on hrt since and has only had one relapse when I had a major argument with my dad a couple of months ago!
Thro all of this I got with my son's dad, the relationship started great but 6 months in to the relationship he started taking speed which made him paranoid, we had many an argument that I was having an affair which I would never do, I was very much in love with him, he also thought people were following him and watching his every move. He lost his job because of his paranoia then because I was suffering from a lot of migraines, looking back now it was because of grinding my teeth causing pain in my jaw which triggered the migraines, I had a lot of time off sick which caused me to lose my job.
He was sectioned because of his drug induced paranoia and at that time I found out I was pregnant. He was kept in the secure ward for about 6 weeks then when he was released we went into emergency housing because we had nowhere to live (we were evicted from his flat because he hadn't paid the rent with how bad the past few months had been with his drug use) and shortly after that was offered a council flat. He had a very bad bout of paranoia when I was 8.5 months pregnant so I went to my mums not being able to cope with him. I had my son and still stayed at my mums. All I can remember is crying for the first 2 months after having him, I loved his dad but couldn't cope with the paranoia anymore, I'm 99% certain i had postnatal depression at the time but I never said anything to the doctors, nurses or health visitors. One day I just decided that I wasn't going to go back to his dad and I stopped crying....well that's what I remember!

I got with my daughters dad over a year after and we moved in together. The relationship was great to start with, we rarely argued and he tried to make things amicable with my son's dad but things began to slowly change when I became pregnant with our daughter. He started arguing with my son's dad, he thought he didn't pay enough in maintenance, we started to argue a little more and him and my mum had words so we stopped going to the pub she was in.
We decided to book our wedding, as my family is fairly large and his family is huge, he's one of seven and so is his mum, we decided to get married abroad. We decided to go to Florida, in a place just outside Orlando and I had booked it so that we would leave just after our daughter turned one but she decided to come late so her first birthday was in Orlando much to his mum's displeasure, we had invited everyone to come if they wanted but they'd have to pay for their own flights and accommodation etc... but not a lot of people came. There was 10 of us in total including my 2 kids, us two, my nan, my next sister down, 2 of my cousins and my cousins girlfriend and his brother. My nan gave me away and his brother was his best man.
Damn digressing again!!!
It was after this that things really began to change, there was more arguments, he'd be more insulting and more spiteful and he started drinking more.
Where he worked, the company was bought out and he didn't like the new company so he forced them to make him redundant and this is where things got soo much worse, he started to drink more, he became really mentally and emotionally abusive towards me, he started to favour our daughter who could do anything she wanted without him telling her off but he was very hard on my son saying you need to be harder on boys than girls. I was out working as a carer in the community and was going early mornings, early lunches then go home for a couple of hours then be back out for dinner time and bedtimes. He would still expect me to do all the cleaning and cooking as well while he sat watching TV all day and drinking alcohol all day. Again I started having a lot of migraines because of the pressure I felt and the only way I can get rid of one is to go to sleep in a dark room which of course I was told I was lazy and selfish for laying in bed all day etc...
After about 2 years he got another job and things got better for about 6 months but then he started drinking whiskey. He'd come home at 6 and by 9 he'd finish the bottle! He became very angry at this time and there are some blanks in my memory for this time, not because I was drunk, I very rarely drink because my drivers licence is more important to me and I really just don't drink often. I remember the start of the arguments but not the end. My daughter has since told me that she saw him hit me on a few occasions but I really don't remember which is probably why I stayed so long. The point which made me realise I had to get out was the morning he went to hit my then 11 year old son like he was an adult for defending his dad (at some point over this period he decided he hated my son's dad and started to take it out on my son). If I hadn't of stepped in I have no doubt in my mind he would have hit AJ as if he was a man and it was that that made me realise that we had to get out. We spent a week in a woman's refuge while I got him out of the family home, I was quite lucky that we were offered a place near to my nans as she was in hospital to have a triple heart bypass but she picked up an infection due to the wire mesh they put round her breastplate it had actually crumbled the bone due to her brittle bone so she had to have another operation to fit a pump to draw out all the gunk the infection had caused.
He left the home and moved into his mum and dads which wasn't close.
The infection cleared up with the pump and strong intravenous antibiotics so she had another operation to remove the pump. We had been visiting my nan throughout this time and one evening it was just me and nan there. We was talking about different things, we could talk for hours about anything and not be bored of each other, then we started talking about my marriage, I had never really told anyone the true extent but at this time I told my nan a lot about it, not all but a lot and her last words to me as I had to leave because visiting time was over and some (they hadn't realised I was still there until dinner was coming round!) She said to me -
"you better not go back to that fecking cunt"
Sorry for the language but they were her exact words, she was a 83 year old, 4' 10" little old Irish lady who never minced her words!!!
A few days later they did one more surgery to try and use her muscles to keep her ribcage closed but it was one surgery too much. Her kidneys started to fail and she was in more pain than she should of been so they put her into an induced coma the next day her liver started to fail but the surgeons tried everything they could from dialysis to putting in a balloon to try and pick up her heart rate but Saturday 9th August at about 8 am with just me and my next sister down at her bedside she suddenly and unexpectedly went into heart failure, she had already signed a DNR but they wouldn't have been able to do compressions due to the many surgeries on her rib cage. OMG I still miss her soo much. Her not being here, not being able to talk to her is still so hard 2 years on.

Dec 11, 2016 1:43 AM

Me and the kids were doing ok at home until my daughters dad moved 200 yards down the road from us, he would follow us everywhere, my son had just gone to secondary school and had to get a school bus at 7.30am, he would follow my son the the bus stop and try to talk to him and my son felt trapped and had to talk to talk to him. He worked local, not even 10 minutes away and didn't start till 9am! My son started walking to another bus stop that was a 40 walk instead of 10 minutes to avoid him and he would watch and follow me and my daughter around as well.
He would text and call constantly and it was starting to make me ill so I put in for a non-molestationorder which I had to do myself, I got legal aid for the divorce but because he never threatened violence they wouldn't give me legal aid to get the order.
It was shortly after going to court that I started to get the trigeminal neuralgia pain and extreme virtigo plus I was in a new relationship and at the time I didn't see it but he was worse than my ex husband.
I was granted to order with a power of arrest but because he lived so close he was shopping at the same time I was out etc... so the police only ever gave him a warning saying to keep away from us.
My daughter also stopped contact with him because all he'd do is ask questions about what's happening at home, who was visiting etc... he was also tried to force her to have oranges wanting to see if they still gave her major stomach cramps and diarrhoea and he'd left her on her own in his flat to pop round to his friend who lived 4 doors down from us. She was 8 years old and hated (still does now) being left on her own.

At this point after going into hospital because of the pain and the low sodium levels in my body, I got in contact with woman's aid and they put me and the kids in a refuge. My boyfriend at the time said that he would help me pay my bills if I transferred all my money to go into his account and because I thought he was genuine I did only to find that he hadn't paid anything and was leaving me with no money that I had to get a couple of food parcels from the food Bank.
My landlord knew that I was in a refuge so wanted to evict me ASAP and asked where to send the eviction letter, even tho its a pobox address it still says what town you're in and they told my ex what town I was in so we had to be moved and at the same time I realised what my bf was doing and got everything transfered back into my account, organised a van and tried to take as much stuff as I could from the house as quickly as I could to put into storage.
After a week in the new refuge they had found another refuge to take us completely in a new area, a new county (the new refuge was too close to the other one). While in this refuge I made a couple of statements to the police about my now ex boyfriend about various things.... money, mentally abusive and sexually abusive. As it was my word against his the police weren't going to charge him altho they did say that they did expect to see him again in the future and that it wasn't his first time being reported.

The day we was meant to go the other refuge the neuralgia pain was completely unbearable that the refuge had to call an ambulance where I was taken back to hospital where I stayed for the next 4 nights. They put me on my current pain meds and made sure I was fit to leave.
We spent the weekend at my mums then went to the other refuge. It was actually one of the nicer ones and the staff were a lot more approachable. We was there for 3 months before we was offered the home we're in now.

Since moving here I've made sure my kids have had the counselling they've needed and made sure they've settled. Their schools have been really helpful particularly my daughters school. Then Jo was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in the summer holidays.
Jo's dad has been intermittently sending cards and letters to my mum and step dads pub....they moved in a couple of months before we split....for my kids and he's also been messaging a friend and my family trying to find out where I am and threatening to go to my mum and step dads pub to tell what a shot person I am and to see the kids. He's also recently lost his job so he doesn't have to pay child maintenance l. The ironic thing is he hated AJ's dad because he didn't think he paid enough maintenance but he's done everything in his power to not pay any maintenance at all!!!!!

Dec 11, 2016 1:48 AM

Oh wow I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to be this long and I've condensed as much as possible and have missed out a lot more than I've put!!!!

Dec 11, 2016 2:04 AM

Oh wow. What a horrible adventure your life has been. No wonder you are in such rough shape.
I really hope things turn around for you and your stress goes down soon.
I am sending you big hugs and well wishes. To bad it won't help any.

Dec 11, 2016 2:16 AM

Gotobef your hugs and well wishes help a lot, I don't feel so on my own with the pain, that there are people who understand the physical pain I have and that it's not all in my head as some people imply. My life hasn't all been down I've had good times as well and it's those times I try to remember rather than the down times altho I'm struggling with that as well atm.
I have my babies who help pull me out of myself and keep me going I wouldn't change them for anything.

I hope this Christmas isn't going to be too hard for you, I know I'm doing the obligatory family visits but I can't imagine how hard that's going to be for you with your chemical sensitivities.
I'm sending you some protective hugs and positive vibes xx

Dec 11, 2016 2:21 AM

I took my baby girl to see Santa yesterday, it was hard for me to be there with soo many other people but I held myself together so she could see Santa.
She made my heart melt when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas she said "I'd like some iTunes vouchers and for my family to be happy" that was completely unexpected!!!

Dec 11, 2016 6:50 AM

Dearest Sezzy,
I wish very much to hug you and thank you for opening your heart and sharing so bravely.

I hope you copy all that you have written here and take it to therapy with you if you haven't gone over all of this already with them. Creating a Trauma Timeline was one of the best things I ever did with trauma on the top side of the line and the repercussions an impact on my health and my relationships below the line so that it was very easy to see the correlation over time for myself and for medical professionals. What you've written here is a great start.

There is absolutely no doubt and no question that you have had multiple instances extreme trauma and resulting PTSD throughout your life. Living in a hyper-vigilant state from fear of being stalked is current still placing you at risk biologically. Adrenaline will save your life when you need it but if too much adrenaline stays in your system too long it is a corrosive that can deteriorate and alter your biology in multiple ways. In my case it burned out the fashion in my body and cause my spinal cord to produce 4000 times too much acetylcholine which is a key neurotransmitter for pain. My condition is called chronic myofascial contracture and pain, but the name merely describes one symptom that results from the overall condition. In my case it cannot ever be cured but can be managed to a considerable degree. I'm not suggesting this is what you have because trauma affects each person's genetic profile differently and you don't have to have your genome sequenced to differentiate how it's impacting your biology. Your medical professional should be able to help you do that and it sounds like they're on the right track. Keep the faith!

I feel for you about your ex as mine has stalked me across seven states and 3500 miles over the course of 30 years. The first 10 were the worst and he's only been sporadically in contact the last 20, pulling all the same tricks you described. I hope when your children are old enough and you are well enough you are able to relocate beyond their reach.

I have to say your Nan sounds like a hoot! She must have been a tremendous role model and where you get a great deal of your strength. She sounds like my great aunt Ellen, who was a badass pioneer suffragette.
I am thrilled to hear that you have gotten your children the therapy they need it I wish I had had that.

I think the best advice I can give you is to investigate with your primary care physician and your psychiatrist the long-term impact of the reoccurring, severe trauma and its impact on your epigenetic gene expression for the glands in the brain that regulate emotion and pain. Here is just one of the many scolarly articles on genoplasticity of trauma and pain via changes to the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis gene expression:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14980146
If you weren't familiar with epigenetics and genoplasticity the good place to start is this documentary episode of the science program Nova titled ghost in your genes.
Here's the complete transcript in case you can't view the video where you are:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/transcripts/3413_genes.html

Here's the video:
https://youtu.be/eTShfjq4yOk

Here's the opinion website with additional articles: I especially like A Tale of Two Rats
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/genes/

You are brave and fierce, and I hope you get all the love and support you need to heal to the fullest possible extent and manage the rest with the grace and dignity you deserve.
{{{{ tender hugs }}}}

Dec 11, 2016 2:46 PM

SaphiraJewel that's the thing, with every counsellor I have seen I explain it all to them but it seems talking therapies don't help me. With most things as long as I feel comfortable with the person I'm speaking to, I can talk about 90% of it all and 60% of it with someone I'm not overly comfortable with. I've found that most counsellors I've seem I haven't felt comfortable with and a few of them I've felt that they have judged me. Some it was their body language but some were right out....well why didn't you do this?....why didn't you do that instead?....what did you do that for?.....and they said it all in a very condescending way!
My last CBT counsellor stopped our sessions after only 4 because each time I went to her I was worse than the previous week. I have no idea why I was getting worse and I've still not been able to pull myself back from that fully.
I've had a Reiki session which has helped me feel like my energy is more in line but I can only afford it once every 4 weeks. I feel really comfortable with my practitioner and she knows nearly everything. My app was for an hour but I had been with her for 2 hours by the time I left. We spoke for a long time in which she thinks that the cbt counsellor may have been triggering me because of her own insecurities, that maybe because I didn't start to feel better straight away she was having her own internal struggle with her own confidence for me getting worse not better idk

There's a lot I haven't told my family because they already worry about me but me and my next sister (my full sister) down have talked a lot about our childhood in recent years. There's bits she remembers that I don't and there's bits I remember that she doesn't. We both feel that we were "pushed out" at certain points where we moved in with our nan and grandad, at the time I liked living with them because I loved being with them, probably unconsciously I knew what was going to happen so I left before I was pushed?....I can't really put my finger on the right description but that's the closest I've got atm.
I was very close to my nan, always have been and for most of my life I would say that she brought me up more than my mum did. My mum is here for me now but she had her own issues when I was younger and my step dad has always been a bit of a bully and everything needs to be done his way. I have clashed a lot with him over the years simply because I will argue back and refuse to do what he wants me to but at the same time in recent years, especially the last couple he has done everything possible to help me but we still clash!!!

Like I said I've got gaps in my memory and I don't remember anything from before I was 5/6 years old. I just assumed that was normal and it appears that I'm still able to block out bad things that happen now shown with the fact that my daughter who was 7-8 years old when she saw her dad hit me and I didn't even know that until she was having an assessment with a children's mental health counsellor.....she was sat on the floor with some kind of puzzle building blocks, the counsellor asked her a question and as she responded she looked at me sideways and said that they knew when we were going to argue because her dad would send them upstairs and we were arguing so bad that she came downstairs to see if I was ok and saw him hit me.....that absolutely flamaxed me and boy did the guilt come in full swing hitting me straight in the heart. It wasn't till then that I realised how much both the kids had seen and heard and just how much it affected them. Since then Jo has told me that there were a couple of other occasions that she see that happen and was able to tell me the argument. I remember the start of the arguments but not the end and I had no visible bruises either that I can remember at the time.

The one thing I have tried to do since finding that out is to make sure my kids have had all the help they've needed. They've been my priority which has meant I've put myself on the back burner and bottled up my feelings for longer.
I'm hoping this mental health nurse will be able to help me, she seems like she will, she's very approachable and has talked about her own anxiety thro her divorce even tho she was a mental health nurse then as well!
It showed me that even the professionals get stuck like this as well.
I'm cautiously optimistic that she can help.
And I think I will either write this out for her or show her my parts of this post.....even tho I can talk about it writing it down drains me more than I realised!

Dec 11, 2016 4:30 PM

Sezzy, it's going to take me some time to respond! I have not abandon the conversation! Hugs!

Dec 12, 2016 1:01 AM

SaphiraJewel I'm sorry I didn't mean to go on and rereading it some of what I put seems jumbled but that's how it came out!

Oh man your ex has pushed you very far and that must of been and still is very draining to have moved so far and soo many times only for him to be still trying to find you.
Do you have any kids with him or was it just you?
It must still be so hard knowing that your ex is still looking even after all this time, it amazes me that they can't just leave us be!

My saving grace is that he doesn't drive, he never wanted to learn as he liked to go out drinking instead, so he won't go to my mums if he doesn't find someone to drive him and back him up. He doesn't know where we are but he thinks we'd be close to my mums....he doesn't think I can do anything on my own!

Dec 12, 2016 1:05 AM

Hhhmmmmm painsomnia has hit again!!!! Looks like my body needed the week to crash and recover altho it didn't feel like I was getting rest or recovering!!!!

Dec 12, 2016 8:23 PM

SEZZY OMFG i just got gooseys.... So i know exactly what ur talking about, it hasnt happen to me in a couple months thankfully ... It comes n goes idk why how or what all i know is all times it happen i had literalky been drained by stuff i did that day... I remember it CLEARER THEN ANY DREAM EVER LIKE IT HAPPEN !!! i passed out on my couch i sleep infront of our lani or for u northerns porch screened in lmao.. Sezzy i remember being so so so sleepy my body was so heavy i remember i had to pull myself up by back couch i SWEAR TO EVERYTHING HOLY THERES A MAN OR A DARK SHADOW ON MY LANI !!!! i swear i saw it but no matter how scared i was no matter what i just dropped back down passed out this happen three times all same ... I had this happen like at least 5 times in 9 months and it is scary cuz i specifically remember trying scream an i couldnt trying move get up like i was under a force field .... Just so weird this hasx never happen in my life until now with Fibro ... Idk im still trying figure it out ... :/

Dec 13, 2016 3:53 PM

Dear Sezzy,

You are trying so hard brave lady! CBT can be retraumatizing, and at a certain point must be let go. My replies seem to have generated more questions regarding PTSD and how treatments were successful for me, so here is the context you seek and the treatment application as best as I can describe. Take from it what you will with regard to what may or may not apply to your situation with all my best wishes for your healing.

What did the most good for me is what they do at UCSF for veterans returning from war here in San Francisco it's called EMDR. Each session we targeted specific painful memories using the technique to desensitize each one until the majority of my PTSD triggers were calmed enough to stop the spiral into automated negative thoughts when activated.

For example my mother tried to commit suicide twice in front of me in the bathroom once was bloody (age 2) and once with pills and booze (age 5 on the day I was supposed to have my first big girl shower). Even at such a tender young age, both times I was responsible for saving my mother's life. So, for most of my life whenever I got into the bathtub or shower I would disassociate and be trapped in those moments in time until the water ran cold or someone pulled me out. I was unable to rent an apartment with shower doors because the doors themselves were a trigger. 

My young mind did not view her as my parent but as my child and I became the keeper of my mentally ill mother. She found me so bossy and contrary towards her she began locking me in the basement all day without food water or toilet while my father was at work. I don't think she ever meant to leave me down there that long, or intended that I not be provided for  she was just too out of it to consider my needs. Her second personality was an irresponsible 15 year old teenager. When I became too much for her to handle that is who it come out. This went on for 9 months (age of 5 to 6) until her second suicide attempt when she was committed to an asylum for some time. As a result I developed PTSD triggers associated with descending the stairs into any basement, being left alone, having a bare pantry, and being without immediate access to a toilet. All of these things could bring on panic attacks in an instant and I was beginning to develop considerable phobias and anxiety in social situations because I was afraid everyone could see how broken I really was inside.

As you might imagine I attracted a string of broken men, and put myself in job situations that replicated my dysfunctional family pattern, where I was usually subordinate to and taken care of or propping up and incompetent or emotionally unstable supervisor. I could not free myself from the pattern governing almost every aspect of my life, because I could not see it coming.

It took 10 years of CBT ~> EMDR therapy ~> DBT dialectical behavioral conditioning ~> Meditation & SelfCare from the age of 25-35 to unpack all of that.  I now manage with only a twice annual visit to my shrink and a few support phone calls along with my low dose anti-anxiety medication Lamictal
/Lamotrigine.

I am now truly free in my mind and heart, but sadly I've had to cut off all contact with my parents. I moved 2000 miles away to an area of liberal values where women's rights are respected and alcoholism rates are low, San Fracisco/Berkeley. I lived in many states in and visited most of the United States and I have meant more tender men here than any other place I've been. I set myself up for success by creating an environment as free of toxic input as possible so that I could heal and experience A New Path.

Thankfully, my mother has now integrated her two personalities and forgiven my father for impregnating her against her will. She consented to sex but he had promised to pull out and didn't on purpose. He knocked her up on intentionally, because he did not want her to go to MIT and marry another guy [my mother's core personality happens to be a genius with an eidetic memory who at the age of 18, graduated from university with two degrees (math and chemistry) and had a full scholarship for a masters in astrophysics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology when her contemporaries were just graduating high school]. 

My father loves/loved her very much, but he also felt he needed to control and possess her to keep her and in order "help" her. He was a psychology student and no doubt attracted to her fragility. He has apologized for not having put me in therapy when they were going through all of her problems. But that's where the reconciliation ends.

He does not believe he was wrong  to force my mother  to have a child  when she did not want one. He does not believe that he left me alone everyday all day with a woman who has said to my face she wishes she had aborted me, that she had absolutely no feelings of love for me when I was born and viewed me as her life prison sentence. Thankfully, by reading my fathers psychology textbooks while pregnant she came to understand that her lack of love would damage me and she made her best efforts to fake it. You fake it she did until she was whole enough by the time I was 10, when I could take care of myself, and became lovable because I was not be such a burden on her. I became the textbook driven over-achieving only child  desperately trying to earn her mother's affection. 

I do believe my father loves me very much and always did but he was never around to protect me from her and in my child mind he could not be trusted. I believef I was taking care of myself, and them, and the other children in the neighborhood, and their pets. The neighbors called me Little Mama Bear.

Each and every one of my psychiatrists are convinced that my mother perpetrated her own trauma on me because of what she suffered when her parents locked her up for 5 months in an interrogation type room to keep her from having contact with her boyfriend. At 15 they caught her with him at a matinee unchaperoned. Their interrogation and my grandmother's hourly  praying over her for her salvation from sin, and alternating damnation for daring to date a boy caused her personality split due to the emotional vulnerability from the brain going through an extreme developmental period at that age. 

In addition to dissociative identity disorder she develoved compounding Stockholm syndrome with regard to my father as her captor when she got pregnant with me and was forced to marry him because of abortion was not yet legal and in the very Christian area that they lived there was no doctor operating illegally. To her it triggered her  captivity PTSD because her will was forwarded  as she was imprisoned in motherhood. Evidence of this is still very present as she is so mentally attached to my father that she is unable to travel more than an a two hour drive without him. Classic.

My parents  do not believe that the chronic pain I suffer is a related in any way to my body's "Trauma Tipping Point." While they admit the suicides might have impacted me, they refused to discuss my pain in any other terms than finding a cause other than their neglect. I've been to 15 doctors and spent $50,000 trying to prove that it wasn't their fault and every diagnosis comes back the same.

My father can't contemplate his responsibility in leaving me alone, trapped with a mentally ill woman who had two personalities and drug abuse from self-medicating, or that it might have  led to neglect if not outright abuse. They do not acknowledge that I was confined for nine months though my mother admits she doesn't remember anything from that time (including her affair with the guy who installed our kitchen countertops which I still have never told dad about). As for my father, he worked long hours, went to his Optimist Club after work, arrived home late and disappeared into his office to do paperwork. He didn't see anything because she only locked me up when he was out of the house. 

To this day, no amount of scientific evidence will be accepted by them, and so far they have both refused any type of joint family therapy though they both raised me to believe in its benefits. In the end I find that to be respectful to my elders and maintain my sanity it's better to let them Hate Me From Afar than trying to constantly force them into a therapeutic situation where they might end up hating themselves. This is my gift to them for doing the best they could and my gift to myself so that I may move on. This is what forgiveness looks like in my life. 

As a result, the specific triggers associated with them like the sound of my mother's voice remain hardwired PTSD triggers that I can't unpack because they are embedded in a part of my brain so young during it's development that it's too near my autonomic region. It is not a cognitive area of the brain and cannot be reasoned with or reprogrammed. Being around my parents at all puts me into a dissociative state and even talking on the phone splinters me with pain from head to toe. 

ALL THAT SAID, OMG HOW WONDERFUL MY LIFE IS NOW WITHOUT THEM!!!
😍😄😆🤗😙

Once I got a grip on my own mental health and was able to be of caring benefit to others, I met and married the most wonderful man who supports me completely in my quest for sanity. I believe he is my karmic reward for putting my own garbage aside and taking care of a woman and her child during their journey with ovarian cancer. He is always on my side, and gave up alcohol and cigarettes to be with me. He is loving and rational and able to handle me when I become irrational. 

I hope you meet somebody saying but more importantly than that I hope you stay very far away from those who mean you harm or who create harm for you even with good intentions. It sounds like you are surrounded by a lot of low functioning individuals and your life and I pray that there will be no more of that and your future and that your children will be free from repeating toxic life patterns. I don't know if Al-Anon, the companion program to Alcoholic Anonymous, for people who have lived with and suffered at the hands of those with addiction is available in your area, but it is a tremendous support group and I have a close friend who runs one. It's also a way to meet other people in your community locally who have been through the same thing and aren't all still in crisis mode. Those in that group that are experienced know how to sidestep those triggers and personality types. My friend says it was especially good to help her identify people that were toxic to her long before they had a chance to create a damaging impact on her or her kids. She calls it Drunk-dar (like radar or gaydar) 😅.

I hope I have helped you to the best of my ability but I have to, for my own health, not relive any more of this trama. I am very happy to have done it, but I can feel it taking my mood down and my pain up so it's time to go meditate and take a hot bath and drink some cocoa. 

All my love, Saphira

Dec 13, 2016 10:00 PM

OMG I'm soooooo sorry I hadn't meant for you to share if it meant it was going to to trigger you and I'm soooooo sorry that you've been thro all of that. I wish there was something I could do that would help.
Thank you for sharing tho as it does put everything into perspective and I will look into the EMDR and DBT therapies to see if they're offered over here. I think some of what my mental health nurse is going to do with me will incorporate different therapies that she feels will help me.

Thank you for the information in your previous message I'm slowly working my way thro the links but with my shockingly bad memory and concentration I'm having to watch each link 3 or 4 times before it sinks I'm.

Again I'm really sorry and I'm sending you positive vibes and warm healing hugs xx

Dec 13, 2016 11:17 PM

I never sleep either but last weekend i slept for two days straight and was still so exhausted i could barely move. I went to my doctor and found out i had a severe sinus infection and my body was just out of energy from all the things it was fighting at once.

Dec 13, 2016 11:17 PM

If it helped you it was worth it! I quit well before things went south! Life is much better for me now. We've all been thru the wringer. May we come through the wash, well rinsed, fresh pressed and toast warm! XoxoSJ

Dec 14, 2016 7:05 AM

SaphiraJewel I think I'm on spin at the moment so I'm taking my inspiration from my washing machine.....when it's on the highest spin setting it likes to try and dance around my kitchen so I put a bit of music on and do a little dance in my bed as that's when I'm on the highest spin! Lol

Freshly pressed and toasty warm sound mighty good to me!!!! Especially the warm....I always seem cold lately!!!

Thank you very much for taking the time out of your day/night to talk to me, I do very much appreciate your words of wisdom and your time spent helping me xx

Dec 16, 2016 5:06 AM

Way to go with the flow girlfriend! xx

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