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Waiting to have children

Aug 06, 2015 12:28 AM

A lot of people talk about the pain of infertility, and having PCOS myself, I worry I may run into it as well. But no one talks about the pain of not having children because of other medical issues. I'm 26, been married 4 years and my husband and I want children desperately. But because of 7 knee surgeries, plus Fibro, constant pain, medications, treatments, and the enormous amount of weight gain I've had due to it all, we just can't right now. Yet no one recognizes that. There is no support group for that. Everyone sees it as our choice to wait, but they don't see the pain behind that decision. My body is out of control, and I'm not sure when it will be able to handle a pregnancy, and even more important, being a parent. Being on 24/7. Not being able to rest when I need to, the constant activity, etc. And it scares me to death. At some point I'm just going to give Fibro the middle finger and do it anyway and figure out what I have to do because I won't allow this to be taken from my husband and I, but right now it just hurts. I cry at baby showers, and seeing friends around me having their second child already is getting to me. When will it be my turn? Does anyone else have any tips on waiting? Do you have to put it off as well or altogether? Thanks!

Aug 06, 2015 2:42 AM

I'm not old enough to have kids yet, but I know that a gene mutation will likely make it impetigo for me to have a successful birth. My aunt hasn't been able to have kids, and she actually wrote an article about how it feels. She was saving for adoption, but lost all of her savings on a series of surgeries for a cancer, and other issues.

Today's my birthday so I get to think again about giving birth, as I'll probably do every year. There are options, but none of them are easy. I'm going to see if I can find a link to the writing my aunt did.

Aug 06, 2015 2:47 AM

the article if the link doesn't work...
Many people know little about the emotional, spiritual, ethical, medical and financial difficulties of infertility. I learned the hard way through my own personal experience. Fertility is not something we’re comfortable discussing. When we or someone we know is suffering, we tend to keep silent. Silence creates barriers for authentic communication about what we’re experiencing and can cause feelings of isolation. We need to learn how to talk about infertility. Doing this well requires tenderness from families, friends, doctors and communities.

Being tender means being educated about how to respond. Sometimes when people share their experience, the response is either hurtful or unhelpful. Learn how to be sensitive so you can ease someone’s burden instead of making it harder. RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association has some excellent resources for family and friends, including a section on infertility etiquette.

Being tender means being empathetic about individual experiences, listening and respecting our decisions. Each person is unique. For some, the risks of certain options are too high. Others will analyze their risks differently. Some families are comfortable with treatments, adoption or other options that are not acceptable to others. Some of us who could possibly conceive will decide not to because the options offered are unacceptable to us for whatever reason. The emotional, physical, spiritual and or financial burden we would have to endure may be too great. This is still a form of infertility.

Trust us to make the decision best for us. Be supportive of our desires even if you don’t agree. Getting educated and then making these life-altering decisions doesn’t make our situation any easier. No matter the outcome, we need your tenderness as we navigate this challenging emotional path. Your tenderness is a gift which could give someone the bravery to speak about their experience. This is helpful for them and for the community because infertility is something we need to talk about.

I wrote the following poem about my emotions regarding not having biological children. It’s my way of speaking up. It’s dedicated to all those who are affected by infertility.

Through all the tears that I have shed
And all the dreams I’ve made
I can hear your little voice in songs
Sweet child I did not have
You would’ve had your father’s eyes
And probably his smile
Perhaps I would have named you Nora
Or you might have been Eli

I will not see you learn to walk
There will be no wedding cake
You will not waltz in daddy’s arms
Or keep us up at night
They’ll be no picnics on the lawn
No fairytales to weave
You will not read my childhood books
Or play with my old toys

Not only all romantic things
Of childhood treasured dreams
I also grieve to miss your tears
Your little hand in mine
As I’d comfort all your pain
Or tend your fevered frame
No one will ever break your heart
As you would have broken mine

Someday, I will stop saying “if” and “yet”
And start to say “don’t” and “won’t”
And if someday you might find
Another gateway to this earth
Through someone else’s womb
And someone else’s arms
Love from me who gave you birth
Though only birth in dreams

Aug 06, 2015 9:39 AM

Samantha89, I can't know your pain and the turmoil you fight within to decide if or when. I have 2 children but miscarried my first pregnancy. I was devastated. I can only tell you to do what's best for you.

My sister in law who has RA and other issues always said she felt her best when pregnant. She has 5 children and lost 2. My daughter, age 27, has issues with her female organs, with lots of large painful cysts. She was visiting once when here grandmother was here, and made a comment about she didn't think she wanted to even try and get pregnant. Here grandmother immediately scolded here and said, "you should have grandchildren for your mom and dad!" It caught all of us off guard, but especially my daughter. Before she could reply I spoke up and told my mother-in-law, "She should never have a child for any other person or reason, except for herself. We don't want her to get pregnant just to give us a grandchild!". Needless to say my mother-in-law was already suffering from a stroke and has rapidly gone down. She meant no harm, but it hurt none the less. Don't try to please others. Do what you and your husband feel is best. You are in my thoughts and prayers. 🙏🌼

Ferretbandit, that is a beautiful poem. I wrote one about the baby I miscarried. Thank you for sharing your Aunt's link. You are wise beyond your years. 🙏🌼

Aug 06, 2015 3:19 PM

Samatha, I wanted to respond to your post yesterday too, and I will after this we seem to have sooooo very much in common it's a bit uncanny.
I am 36, I was married and we waited to have children for the same reasons you listed, for which I am now 110% thankful even though it breaks my heart a little, because my ex left me for another woman because of drugs and he couldn't handle my health situation anymore.
I have since then been in a very stable and loving committed relationship for 3 years and I feel my time is running low or out to have children, or can I really even do it anyways as my health has not improved to the point I thought it would have by this age.
I just had an awful moment the other day with my boyfriend when I was caring for my very senior cat, he's 22, and having a bit of trouble giving him his bath because I started to hurt and then needed help to move myself out of the tub etc... my boyfriend pointed out that being a mother would mean doing tasks like bathing the baby, etc... and I just died a little inside and sat on the edge of the tub and cried. Not because my boyfriend was trying to be hurtful but because I knew he was right and I'm not strong enough on my own or even could trust myself by myself with a baby.
But yes, no one talks about it. And everyone in my life is on their second or third child now, or the late bloomers who waited are getting pregnant for the first time and then there's me. With my system on pause, basically shut off so the endometriosis doesn't kill me with pain, confused about what I should be feeling. On some days I just want to cry because there's a hole where a baby should be, on other days, I'm just so relieved I only have to try to get myself through the pain.
Sorry that I offer no real help, but I feel your pain. I understand.

Aug 06, 2015 4:27 PM

Wynnbliss, my heart aches for you and Samantha both. One day my daughter joked about getting pregnant someday (before she knew she may not be able to). I told her she best hurry up if she wanted Granny (me) to babysit because I could barely lift 10 pounds then. Now I can only lift 5 lbs. And it reminded me of when I placed my oldest baby in her great grandmother's arms, and within seconds she said I had to take the baby or she's drop her.

When my youngest was a toddler I was already having problems in my back and neck. It was very hard to do ADL's to care for her and my hubby had to take over bath times. My granddaughter was bathed by him too until she started school and her mom and I taught her to wash herself and we washed her hair with the hand held shower. Adjustments are easier to make with older children but babies not as easy. I just thought about this... My oldest wanted to be laying on my shoulder to rock, but my youngest hated it and always laid across my lap. It just dawned on me how much easier that was on my back!

If it's in your heart, pray, trust and believe God can see you through. He's seen me through everything I've gone through. I hope and pray for both of you. 🙏🌼

Aug 06, 2015 4:57 PM

Hi Samantha. I know exactly how you feel. I'm 33, and have RA. I made the decision to not have children a couple years ago. Since then I've become more sure of my choice but I'm still very sad for my husband who loves kids and would make a wonderful father. But I know my body and my limitations at this point. Chronic pain has completely taken away ALL of my patience and can only handle being around kids (that I love) for short bursts.
I live very far away from family, his and mine, and he works quite a bit. I would have to go off my drugs for months before we could even start trying and I don't care if Drs say some are safe for pregnancy, I know what kind Of side effects they give me I would never take that chance with my baby. And me unmedicated is an awful thing. Also, what if I ended up having a child with a disability that needed extra help and care than the average child??? These are ALL factors I've had to take into consideration and weigh out with how much i think I can handle. And I don't think I can handle what my baby would deserve. Of course I would do my best but I don't feel my best would be good enough.
And everyone else is right about other people sucking! I almost lost my best friend because of her not understanding my decision and constantly making me feel shitty for not having kids. My favourite line is "oh it will be different when they're your own". Yeah you're right, it will be 100 x worse when it's MY OWN baby I can't bath and MY OWN baby I can't hold. People seriously need to fuck off sometimes lol
That's my story Sam; I feel your pain but just make the decision that's right for you and your husband. Adopting an older child was an idea I tossed around for a while but eventually decided against it. Maybe it could be a option for you.

Aug 13, 2015 5:08 AM

Two more babies born into my life this week. One of my high school best friends who assured me at our ten yerevan reunion that she wasn't ready to have children then or maybe ever just had her third, a son. Seeing her absolutely radiant surrounded by her two little girls, husband, and holding her new baby boy. I just wanted to curl up and cry and cry.
The second baby, also a boy, was born to a lovely coworker who has been pregnant pretty much the entire time I've known her. She was hired on while pregnant, had her first son had a very short space then was pregnant again with her second son. I find it hard to imagine her noot pregnant.
Both very beautiful boys came while I feel particularly low and sick. I'm feeling extra empty right now.

Aug 13, 2015 8:32 AM

I am so sorry for your sorrow and pain. I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm not a person who wanted children but am glad my Bothers and Sister were because I adore my nieces and nephews. I wish I had words to comfort you and ease the pain in your heart and soul. I'm sending you hugs and my best wishes. I truly am so sorry you are so sad.

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