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wanting to give up

Oct 31, 2015 6:51 AM

As most of you know my doctor wants me to do a pain pump or a spinal cord stimulator. What most of you have told me has just...freaked me out honestly. I'm so scared. My anxiety is at an all time high. I can no longer sleep, I can hardly eat again. Pain is just getting worse and worse, and nothing the doctors do is helping. I had to move out of my boyfriends house temporarily because of this and move back in with my mkm, which is more stress being away from him. I'm losing CHUNKS of hair and by chunks I mean I have 5-7 bald spots right now. It feels like I just can't stop crying. I just want to give up, I'm scared to go to the doctors because he wants me to make a decision. I'm scared to move because of pain. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm shaking constantly. Its like a never ending panic attack. The worst part is, its Halloween. My favorite holiday. I use to do special effects makeup (that crazy bloody makeup in movies) this is the first year in about 5 year I haven't been able to do it. It is just really upsetting me. I feel like I can't even do what I love anymore typing on my phone is hard at this point, I have to use voice to text for most of it. Ugh. I'm sorry for ranting. I just feel like I need to vent.

Oct 31, 2015 7:54 AM

JennaReimer I don't personally have a spinal cord stimulator, but I have a friend who has had one for year and has very little pain anymore. She works full-time as a butcher and told me it was the best thing she had ever done for her pain. She takes no oral pain meds anymore. As with anything drugs or vitamins or natural herbs everyone reacts differently to different things. If this is your last hope for pain relief I really hope you consider taking the chance and having one implanted. It makes me sad for you that you are in such great pain and mental anguish, I hate seeing other people hurt or injured. I wish I could reach through space and give you a gentle hug and help you work through this decision, but since I can't I am giving you a gentle hug here and hoping someone will step up and help you work through this in person.

Oct 31, 2015 11:25 AM

Jenna, please do NOT apologize for venting. It's understandable. You are facing a scary decision that is difficult at best to make. Everyone is individual. My horror story may not necessarily be yours. There are risks with any surgery and unfortunately no guarantees. Don't give up!!! We are here for you, lean on me, I'll be here to do what I can to help you. Have you been through the trial yet? If not, it won't hurt to try it. It's short period of time and you'll get to see if you get any relief. If, after the trial, you're still unsure, think about it and make the decision when YOU are ready and NOT when your doctor wants you to. I am sorry that you are so terribly frightened. I suffer from anxiety and I know that when I am over the top, I cry, my hair falls out and I feel hopeless and helpless. It's ok, things will fall into place. Breathe with me.. Deep breath in through your nose, slowly, deeply. Now, relax your muscles as you release the breath through your mouth. Do that a few times. Each time relaxing different muscles as you exhale. I'm here for you and I'm sure many others are as well. Hang in there. I'm sending you gentle {{{{Hugs}}}} and prayers and hoping that I've been able to help settle your nerves a bit.πŸŒ»πŸ™πŸ»

Oct 31, 2015 12:32 PM

I want you to know I'm here for you. I absolutely hate making decisions, and this one will clearly impact your future.

Oct 31, 2015 12:32 PM

I'll be back, gave to murder a mouse

Oct 31, 2015 1:35 PM

Jenna, I've been thinking about you. I got your email and have been wondering how you're doing. I'm so sorry you're going through this and that you're separate from your bf, I hope he's very supportive of you and all that you're going through.

You are not alone. I'm here with you. Please email me if you can even if it's voice to text to just say hello.

Please don't let the doctor pressure you into anything. Try the trial and see how it goes. I am going to email you, Jenna, sweetheart, take care of yourself. And I miss Halloween too. I really love this holiday. It's one of my favorites. I wish I could be anyone else, anywhere else at this moment.

You've nothing to apologize for. This is why we are here to support one another πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’œπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’–

Oct 31, 2015 1:44 PM

Vent away honey. It helps when your anxiety is that high. Your stress level is off the charts. Find a meditation app and use it as u need to. I know that has helped me.

Oct 31, 2015 7:13 PM

Jenna, Don't apologize for sharing your feelings. That's why we have this community. I'm so sorry you have increased anxiety. But don't let your imagination run away because of the bad experiences you've read. I'm sure there are 2-3x as many who had good results, maybe even more.

Try getting yourself relaxed with music, deep breathing, and a bath. It's highly possessible if you do the trial you would have very good results. But don't let the doctor force you before you are ready. He can give your contact number to other patients, if they're willing to talk with you. That way there's no breach of patient privacy, because you'll have already asked him to get other patients to call you.

And I'm sorry you're missing Halloween. It's my grandfather's birthday, so we double celebrated, until he passed away. (((Hugs))) & a prayer you can get calmed so your anxiety stops. Fear of the unknown is the worst fear of all! πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Oct 31, 2015 10:07 PM

I can't give feedback on the procedure. But I can give feedback on the giving up - or the will to live. It is a fine line I saw just after my accident and for months after until the brain and body finally were in unison that this is how I am. I felt I was slipping to the die side. I wasn't doing it on purpose. I would never do anything to hurt myself. But the depression just sank me, digesting the reality I may never run again jump etc. I was a very active person before I got hurt. No visitor could cheer me up. No gift no money could make me feel better. Then I started to realize this is a test from God and decided to be like a draft horse pulling a heavy log. Just put my head down and get through it. And I have been doing it ever since. And I am slowly healing.
Jenna don't give up. Lean on us.I wish i had found this group 15 months ago when I had the accident. I know everyone would have been there for me then. Take care.🐎🌸🌻

Oct 31, 2015 10:49 PM

Beautiful description of strength & stamina EquineSister! πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Oct 31, 2015 11:16 PM

Oh my goodness, equine sister, you just took some rainbows and sprinkled them on my world. Not because of what you've had to go through but because your way of looking at it is so familiar to mine. And it just reminded me to buck up and keep my head down and keep fighting. Our my head up. Whatever analogy one wants to use. That God won't give me more than i can handle even though it feels that way.

That it would be easier to give up and Omg how much I want to find that cave and crawl in and say screw this crap , screw everyone who wants to treat me like dog πŸ’© (especially those who are supposed to be supporting me instead of crapping in my breakfast and dinners.... Anyway! )

I am not going down without a fight. And it's because I have y'all to help me through it that makes the difference. I was really close to just doing myself in a couple weeks ago and I started talking to y'all and opening up and Oh how it made the difference e (to those of y'all who answered my posts and I didn't respond right away my apologies, I withdrew because I was having so much overwhelming stuff happening (and still do but screw it & the mechanical horse the robot bf rode in on. And that may make sense to some but I'm so ready to be done with this chapter or at least turn to a new page. But it's life a song that keeps playing over and over. I'm tired of hearing it, but I can't imagine what my friends must think)

Okay well I am truly blessed to have a community of wise warriors who are willing to share their experiences and knowledge about facing the world. Big hugs all around.

Oct 31, 2015 11:52 PM

Jenna, I am sorry you have been having a tough time. And now you have this decision. i have known several people who have had this procedure done and they are truly happy and they have been living a better quality of life.

I hope I am not getting people mixed up but you are the young lady who move out of her boyfriends apartment because he was not treating you rigtht. Then you moved back home with your mom. If you think of those two actions you might think differently about yourself. Your boyfrend wasn't treating you right and you left. Do you realize how many women put up with man treating them badly? But you didn't. Then you had to make the best decision for your health. You probably had to do something you didn't want to do. You moved in with your mom. That takes strength to ask to come back home under those conditions. You are stronger than you realize. You are probably panicing because you can't control how everything will turn out. But we don't ever know how anything will turn out. We don't know if we can drive from point A to point B without getting hurt. But these people know what they are doing. When they hook it up and they place the wires, they will ask how it feels before the are done. When I read your messages you seem and sound so smart and capable. You can make these decisions. You have the power in you. You just need to have a little trust in yourself and in the people who do this stuff all the time.. Don't give up. Best wishes to you.

Nov 01, 2015 5:05 AM

Wanting to give myself tired of being a strong. ....makes me weak and lifeless. ..but I won't. ..talking to Dr when I can get disability. ..my 2 Dr's don't believe in it. ..I wanted to live my life. .not pushing myself to limits. ..I get sick easy. .most nights throwing up. ...so exhausted go to work and pretend I am ok...my residents see through me. ..they love me as I love them. ...that is what keeps me going. ...we all can keep our chins up. ...care for you all.....

Nov 01, 2015 5:11 AM

Profiler. My boyfriend isnt treating me wrong. He is starting to understand now. I had to move out because I needed more help and he is at school during the day. I just saw him today and he was very helpful. I'm happy he is starting to understand and accept. Be explained to me what was going on, he just didn't want to accept that I was hurting because it hurt him. But its working out now.
But regarding the SCS. I am still freaked out it's just I'm scared they are going to mess something up or the little computer thing will stop working like some people said. Thank you every one for the advice. I'm just now reading it because I can't really get on my phone often honestly. I just feel like I'm slipping back into "the darkness" since age 11(maybe before I remember having thoughts like this all my life) I've had depression, body image issues. And other mental illnesses along with CRPS that started at 11 as well. I have anorexia and bulimia (some people say you can't have both but that's what I have diagnosed) severe depression and I did use to self harm. Up until 17. I am 18 now. And I was doing the self harming since 11. Its just like I feel like my brain is slipping back into not wanting to eat, thoughts about self harming and what not. Now I know someone is going to say to talk to a therapist. I'm getting on it. Just waiting for the appointment to come. I'm stressing so much. I never was going to bring these other conditions up on here besides the CRPS. But I feel like these need to be talked about because I can't internalize them anymore. Once again. This was a super long rant. But I just wanted to say everything at once so I don't have to go back on my phone to type out multiple messages.

Nov 01, 2015 10:33 AM

I have had so much time with my body hurting, and just wanting to die, but not as much as you, because I haven't lived as long.
It's totally okay to talk about other conditions, especially mental/physical issues, because they seem to go hand in hand.
I have a strange form of social PTSD, which some people don't seem to believe exists.
However, going through some bullying by other family members in pain hasn't helped.
My mom has borderline personality disorder on top of chronic pain, heart issues, multiple surgeries, cancers, and seizures.
I never know if I'll meet her at a time when she'll talk to me, or if she'll jus ignore/forget me.
That's not her fault, but it's hard.
I also got to experience physical/mental bullying from my stepmom while my dad and I were on meds for nerve pain. I was so tired, I couldn't fight her. I just didn't have enough energy.
At some point, she said she loved my behavior, and I realized how depressed and suicidal I'd become.
A week later, I dropped Lyrica.
She said she didn't understand where my anger came from, but now that I had energy, my dad had switched meds too.We were no longer alone.
I finally chased her down the street, yelling.
She denied mistreating me, even though she would move my walker so I had ZERO independence at home, and would forcefully "hug" me, causing CRPS flares, aka pure hell.
I don't know how I'm still here, but I'm gonna blame the part of me that always tries to fight, and remains optimistic even when all logic shouts, "give up!"
I have anxiety, depression, inattentive "quiet type" ADHD, and C-PTSD.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with everything at once, that has to be tough.

Nov 01, 2015 2:05 PM

Jenna, sorry about the confusion about your boyfriend. I am glad that you have someone who understands you and is wanting to help. That must feel good.. I must have it confused with another person. Iam sorru you go through so much wirh anerexia and bulimia. I am not going to even comment on that because I cannot even imagine why a person does that. I don't mean that in a judgemental way. I just mean I don't understand the sadness behind it. I am sorry for your pain thought. I wish I could say something that makes your day better just for a few moments but I don't think I have that ability. But I am glad you are able to rant on here and tell us what you are going through so that you have someone to listen to you. We are listening. I hope you are having a better day. Best wishes to you.

Nov 01, 2015 2:57 PM

Its okay profiler :) tbwres a bunch of people on here. Its easy to mix it up. Thank you all for giving me wonderful vibes <3

Nov 01, 2015 10:33 PM

Ferretbandit, may I ask what PTSD-C is? I need a diagnosis of PTSD in order to be able to qualify for medical marijuana. I am almost positive that I have a form of it due to everything I've been through, and I intend to talk to my psychologist about it, but at the same time I don't know a lot about it except I used to think it only affected soldiers and accident/rape/crime victims.

Nov 01, 2015 10:40 PM

I am glad to see someone agree with medical marijuana!!!! Where do you live? Do none of your other illnesses qualify? Also PTSD can affect ANYONE who has had a tramatic experience. And everyone defines traumatic differently. For someone breaking their leg could be dramatic enough for them to get ptsd depending on the person. I would definitely talk to your psychologist and explain your symptoms that.make you believe you have PTSD. They had diagnosed me with ptsd quickly just because of how intense my flashbacks, and other things were after my trauma. But i wish you luck in getting qualified! I believe so much is cannabis. It is so helpful and I want everyone to understand that.

Nov 01, 2015 10:41 PM

They would do a trial first and then you decide. It really helps tons of folks. I used to use a tens unit all the time on Crps but one day it shocked me back burned worse than ever all yucky so I didn't go that way. Just remember there are steps first. I am so sorry your pain has spiked this bad. Remember it won't last and you will have good days again

Nov 01, 2015 10:43 PM

Btw I love Mmj. It takes all the inflammation down and the lacing nasty skin is better and I am calm. I replaced opioids and morphine but I have hit a 35day flare and fentanyl is my new friend in addition. But soon I will be back to just it.

Nov 01, 2015 10:45 PM

I am so glad to hear people saying this!! And mmj is actually a GREAT thing for CRPS if anyone didn't know haha. I was kind of scared to mention anything about it because of the state I live in and I don't want to make any enemies ya know lol

Nov 01, 2015 10:47 PM

Also I keep rereading my messages and some don't make sense to me considering I'm on a lot of meds right now since I'm in the hospital. My brain is kinda all over the place. I hope you guys understand what I'm saying haha

Nov 01, 2015 10:49 PM

Lol glad you are still at hospital. Rest put the phone down and let your body rest. Be better soon

Nov 01, 2015 10:49 PM

You feel better. Dang it. These phones have a mind of their own. Anyway well wishes your way.

Nov 01, 2015 10:50 PM

Lol goodnight everyone!!

Nov 01, 2015 11:15 PM

I wholeheartedly believe in Medical Marijuana. Everything I've read about it is almost unbelievable yet true. Then my father came to visit me and I found out that both he and my stepmom use it both recreationally and for medical reasons. My dad has sciatica and my stepmom broke her back from a fall from a horse a couple years ago, so they both have chronic pain. My dad is convinced that it will help me, from my anxiety and depression to my chronic pain. I've had so many "miracles cures" paraded in front of me that either didn't work or couldn't actually be done that I really have no hope anymore. Medical Marijuana is like the last hope I have.

Nov 01, 2015 11:19 PM

Mmj isn't a miracle cure but its pretty close! Haha. The best part to me is there are no terrible side affects! And it helps SO MANY THINGS. Where do you live? I sadly live in Ohio, but I will not give something up that truely helps me. I'm not saying it's good to do something illegal. But mmj is something that I need to ease pain and stress. And it definitlt help my ptsd. I no long have flashbacks at all

Nov 01, 2015 11:24 PM

I live in CT. It's legal as medicine, but not recreationally. It needs to be legal everywhere, and anyone who needs it should be able to get it, exactly for the reasons you mentioned. There are no bad side effects like with narcotics. It's ridiculous that it's still so regulated.

Nov 01, 2015 11:27 PM

I really hope Ohio passes it. The voting for it is Nov. 3 and I plan on voting if I can get out there. If not basically every one I know is voting because they know how much I need it honestly. I think it should be rec too though just because if someone has like social anxiety and that's not really a "medical" problem to the state they should still be able to use it. Have you heard about cbd oil?

Nov 02, 2015 3:28 AM

Good morning to all. ...had a good night sleep. ..wow I was shocked. .but. .woke up with oh horrible migraine ...took my pills. ...then lay down. ..then anxiety kicks in. ..going to work ...dealing with people. ..sweating. ...handling the job. ..I just can't do anymore. ..I am a worry wart. ..now I will take my 8 morning pills to get through my day. ....everyone have a great day. ..thanks for listening. .

Nov 02, 2015 3:33 AM

Lol. ..smoking pot and me don't mix. ..don't care for it. .back in the day my friends wouldn't let me smoke. ..no good. .lmao. ..I get sick. ..lol...too funny. .I understand. ...if it helps. .go for it. ..peace

Nov 02, 2015 9:26 AM

Oh, C-PTSD was something my dad showed me a article about, it stands for complex PTSD that teens to happen when trauma is still happening, like if you're currently in a war zone, or in my case it's the combo of family issues, anxiety, ADHD, and doctors refusing to help me over and over, then being unable to trust psychologists because my stepmom intervened with my privacy, being bullied into silence for years, just minor things that all add up. Then that earthquake happened, and it was only like a 4.3 but terrifying any way, so now motorcycles and loud noises are triggers of those memories, plus my stepmom, and the hallucination of a river turning into marshmallows...
Anyway, that got all over the place, and C-PTSD is currently being researched, but I'm pretty sure there are a few PubMed articles

Nov 02, 2015 3:03 PM

Omg ferritbandit. ..you have been through a lot. ...things will be ok. ..just keep posting. ...hear to listen. ...our life's can be hard on us. ...but we get through it. .. smile to you.

Nov 02, 2015 4:46 PM

AimeLeblanc I think mmj is wonderful but you still need some of the drugs and there are times I have to pull opiods out still. I don't/can't work and spend a lot of time in bed but I have a much better quality of life w it. It's not for everyone tho.

Jenna- how are you today?

Ferret- I think that makes sense. My dr said I am in PTSD still - sounds same. I freak w noise bec I fear it will hurt and much of time it does ;( grrrrr so step mom sounds like a great story!

Holly are you doing better after work? Hope u can rest

Nov 02, 2015 4:51 PM

Just made supper. ..now going to rest. ..always think about tomorrow. ..another day. ...my whole back hurts. Thanks for caring. ..I care about you too. ..smiling

Nov 02, 2015 4:57 PM

CRPS, I'm not great lots of problems going on sadly

Nov 02, 2015 4:59 PM

I really don't know what you go through. ...I have my stuff. ..but will try to understand. ...that's what friends are for

Nov 02, 2015 8:50 PM

holly what happened to your back?

Jenna, What happened today? Are you home or hospital?

Nov 02, 2015 8:52 PM

Poor baby. Praying for her

Nov 03, 2015 10:03 AM

Yes I went to the er and have been admitted to the hospital

Nov 03, 2015 11:22 AM

Jenna, I hope they are helping you. Saying prayers and thinking of you. πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»

Nov 03, 2015 2:39 PM

Oh Jenna cyber hugs good news they will cook and clean up for you in the hospital. I am getting epidural right now. Hope it calms the storm

Nov 03, 2015 7:18 PM

Jenna, I'm praying they will keep you until they get the needed answers. If they don't you may want to seek a second opinion from a gastroenterologist, and a different hospital. Good luck! You're in my thoughts and prayers. πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Nov 03, 2015 7:20 PM

They are doing a bunch of tests but as its now 8 they are done with tests so they said they will start up with more things tomorrow at 9 am. Still no pain relief sadly :/ but I'm keeping my hope :)

Nov 03, 2015 7:32 PM

Hang in there honey. I hope they can find something that will help the pain. We are here for you. Hugs.

Nov 03, 2015 8:47 PM

Try relaxing by tightening a muscle then relaxing it while deep breathing. Like make afist with both hands then release while exhaling. Move up to the elbow, then keep going until you've done every area of the body. Keep it short because if you tense and hold too long it could cause a cramp.

Nov 03, 2015 8:52 PM

I wish I could tense my body :/ I feel paralyzed by this. I get so stiff I can't move at all :/

Nov 03, 2015 8:56 PM

Bless your heart! Well can you do the deep breathing and get your body to relax?

Nov 03, 2015 9:17 PM

Yea I'm definitely been trying to concentrate on my breathing

Nov 03, 2015 9:58 PM

Jenna I hope you are feeling g better this evening g. Sending g hugs and prayers.

Nov 04, 2015 7:38 AM

Jenna, hang in there. I'm glad they they are taking the time to run tests to help you. Sending you {{{Hugs}}} and prayers that the doctors will be successful in helping you.πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»

Nov 04, 2015 9:09 AM

How are u doing today hon? I know u didn't sleep. I'm hoping that they are working to get you at least somewhat comfortable. If they can do that, maybe you could sleep.

Nov 05, 2015 3:52 AM

I am rubbing bone on bone bottom....my doctor asked me how I go to work or get out of bed. ...shrugged my shoulders and said you make me. ...plus my job. .no tolerance you have to go to work "depending who you are ".....wonderful work place

Nov 05, 2015 3:53 AM

Are you feeling better. ...hope so. ...jenna

Nov 05, 2015 2:08 PM

Jenna, I'm praying you're alright. πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Nov 06, 2015 8:50 AM

Jenna, waiting on an update. Hoping to hear from you soon.πŸŒ»πŸ™πŸ»

Nov 06, 2015 10:24 AM

I have been in touch with Jenna. I will check and see if she wants me to give an update. But i just wanted y'all to know that i heard from her yesterday.

We are all pulling for her. And i will let her know that y'all are asking about her

Nov 06, 2015 12:42 PM

Praying for u Jenna

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