I do thank God for every new day He gives me. Each morning I wake with the same pain that I went to bed with. Up and down all night long. I wake feeling as if I have gone through a battle, fatigue, hurting, most certainly not refreshed! Today I have to go into work...where my well meaning coworkers will have all the cures and solutions to my illness. Where there will be articles on my desk...and knocks on my door with people who have no medical credentials telling me what I need to do to be healed. Or telling me about their fifth cousin removed on their great great grandfather side drank donkey pee and was cured of the same thing. Please Stop!
I would like to have woken and got up without this headache, pain in my arms and legs, weakness in my legs that cause me to struggle to get to the restroom like a 110 year old woman...having to have bars on my toilet so once I got down there I can get back up with much struggling. Overstepping the dribbles of urine I couldn't hold but must now clean up. I would like to go to the kitchen for a nice cup of hot herbal tea without having to rest and take a break because of my leg pain... And just fix a simple breakfast ...like pancakes, a smoothie, without changing my plan and having hot oatmeal because my legs just won't let me do more than that today... Have to eat so I can take my boat load of meds so I can halfway function today. Looking at the sink full of dishes that I tried to do all day yesterday but the pain in my arms and legs said not today. I'd like to get that load of clothes out the wash in the basement that now has to be washed again because it has sat too long because if I got down stairs I stood the risk of being stuck down there.
I have some papers I need to submit that I put away and now can not remember where because my memory is not as sharp because of this illness and all these meds I take...just frustrates me too no end. And my hands are shaking like a crackhead going through withdrawals which makes it hard to even send this post. But my well meaning coworkers will have an answer for all of this for me today. I want to say... Please Stop!
I am grateful for this day...that I am alive, that we did not receive the amount of snow they predicted. I am thankful that I have a job to go to although it doesn't provide all my financial needs it does allow me to keep a roof over my head. I am blessed that in spite of my struggles I am still able to live alone, dress myself, and drive. I know God loves me because so many of my needs are met. I am thankful for this forum that I can just "get naked" and not feel judged and share how I am feeling for this moment and not worry about one of you knocking at my tablet screen to tell me I am not feeling what I am feeling right now.
So it is time to hobble back to the kitchen to get out that yummy oatmeal so I can shovel down all those meds so I can transform this body I am trapped inside...and would like to leave in the bed at home today.
I do not even know if I have made any sense here this morning.
I guess I am just a little frustrated... But still grateful...if that makes sense. I could be so much worst...I thank God I am not.
I pray grace and peace to all of you today. Thanks for your precious time. One last request...would you call my coworkers and tell them to Please Stop...just not today.