Hi guys I'm really sorry but this is another post of moaning but I find it helps sometimes to get things off my chest!
My weekend started off Friday morning....my son AJ went on a trip to Germany with his school choir (when he first said he'd joined the choir last year I was a little shocked!!!). He should have been at school for 6:30am but we had both slept thro our alarms and AJ woke me up in a panic at 6:50am we ran around getting dressed and finished packing the stuff I'd ironed when I couldn't sleep. we were out the door by 6:55 and at his school by 7:10 just in time!
I came home and couldn't sleep so potted about in a daze not really doing much.
At about 2pm me and Jo started packing to go over to my mum and dads. We left just after 3:30pm, I felt a bit tired but I felt ok today's. About 20 minutes into the journey I started to feel really tired and my eyes closed and I veered off into the next lane At which point I told Jo that she needed to start talking to me and asking me questions. She did all the way there.
When we got there I told dad what had happened then I went to bed for half an hour. when I got up dad wanted me to work behind the bar for a bit I said no my anxiety and pain were to high and I felt too shaky (mum had gone on a night out with the ladies darts team. I finally gave in and went behind the bar.
I was very shaky, feeling sick and shaky. I pulled 5 pint but I was soo shaky that when I took it to the person who ordered it but I had spilt a fair amount and I left the bar feeling soo anxious, sick and my heart was going soo fast that I told dad I couldn't do it and went upstairs. He came up briefly to tell me that I need to pull myself together and that I'm on too many pills. Dad kept coming up asking me to work and I kept saying no. The I said more I said no the angrier he got andstarted to pick at my faults so I went to bed.
Saturday morning I got up mum asked if I could vaccum the bar, I said I would try. I did as the bar wasn't too bad but I was absolutely knackered so sat quietly in the bar whole no one was there. Jusr before 12 I let the barmaid in, we had a little chat about different things and coping strategies for coping with our anxieties. DAD came down to open the bar and get the newspapers and as no one was in I sat in the bar with the barmaid for a bit. Dad came back with the newspapers and he started picking at my faults so I went in the kitchen to my mum. Mum did lunch which kmy dad and Jo ate in the bar and mum and me ateù in the kitchen. DAD came into the kkitchen and again started pick on me again but this time I started to argue back, with that dad got cross and started shouting at me and wasn't nice so I went and packed our stuff and me and Jo came home with me trying not to cry (I needed to see where I was going!). Whenwe got home I laid down for a bit and slept.
At around half five my dad calls me to tell me my mum had gotten drunk.
When my mum can't cope she either downs a bottle of vodka or takes a load of tablets to pass out so the thoughts going round in her head stop, she's been doing it for years and this year when she did it at easter my uncle took her to hospital where they found out it was caused by her hormones due to her menopause. They put her on HRT and she hadn't done it since then.
It seems the argument between me and dad set her off again and when dad called me, he insinuated that it was my fault and wouldn't take half the responsibility and after speaking to my next sister down I was the only person he called. I offered to go back and take mum to hospital but he said no she doesn't need to go.
At the moment I'm feeling guilty and upset and haven't slept much at all.