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When someone asks how much of your issues are in your head...

Feb 28, 2017 10:08 PM

How do you take it when someone asks how much of your symptoms or illness are physical and how much are your 'reaction' to things? (Your emotional reaction be it fear or anger or whatever)
My boyfriend and I just had a huge fight about this.
When he asks how much is in my head or my emotional reaction to something it translates in my head to how much is you just being crazy. Then he gets mad because he thinks I refuse to listen and try to do things to help myself and that i make things up to get upset about.
All of this is coming from my dad's upcoming birthday and me putting in no effort because dad didn't tell me what he wanted to do and his latest girlfriend has food issues and i don't want to try to discuss with her where and when for a birthday supper for him and i dont want to have to call the restaurants to make sure that both of us can eat there. He decided that it was all a fear of talking to people I don't know well and that I just need to suck it up and get over it.

Feb 28, 2017 11:33 PM

I didn't even read your post all the way through
But instantly fell sorry for the person who did this to you..

Mar 01, 2017 1:53 AM

My reaction would be that if your dad wants to have a birthday meal it should either be him or his girlfriend that should be finding out the food issues (yours and hers) then ringing all the restaurants to see if you both can be accommodated, why should it be left to you all the time?
Yes he's your dad but if he's not saying what he wants to do why should you have to organise something?

To be honest I can't understand why your bf is asking you this because he sees how much all your conditions and illnesses affect you, how incapacitated you become when you're triggered.
I'm also struggling to understand why he's so angry that your not putting in the time and effort to organise something that either your dad or his girlfriend should be doing....if it was your birthday then I'd understand but it's your dad's birthday and he hasn't said anything to you.

I'm really sad and sorry that your bf has reacted this way, is it because he wants to go out for a meal? Or he wants to go out for a meal with your dad? Could he not help organise it if he really wants to?

I'm really not sure what else to say I'm really sorry that you're going through this 😢

I'm sending you positive vibes and warm healing loving hugs xx

Mar 01, 2017 5:49 AM

It always gets left to me to plan and make decisions because no one in my family can make decisions. Christmas with my mom didnt happen this last year because i got frustrated and quit trying to coordinate it. I keep getting asked why i ask what and when others want to do instead of just telling them what we are doing and when since no one ever tells me what they want and when they want it. So it's apparently up to me to 'be the better person', personally i just want to quit.
I struggle on the phone... the boyfriend doesn't see how this can be possible and thinks that it's all a fear of talking to people which lead him to ask how much of everything else is in my head vs a real physical reaction and if my incapacitation is mostly me getting upset or scared vs a physical reaction. Example headaches and dizzyness from cigarette smoke, he thinks it's mostly that i get mad that i get headaches and dizziness when someone has a smoke or walks past me having had a smoke recently. And that if i didn't get mad or upset in some way that i might get a mild headache but it wouldn't be a migraine. I'm not sure how to take those kinds of comments.

Mar 01, 2017 9:37 AM

My roommate (who is also my ex) used to do the same kind of thing with me, right down to the phone issues. When I got tentatively diagnosed, he asked if it was possible that it was all just psychosomatic. When people think you are damaging yourself in some way when you are trying to do the best you can, it can be harder on your self esteem than you know. I think you will need to have a very in depth conversation with your boyfriend about the pain you're experiencing, not only the physical, but the emotional pain of having someone who should be supporting you doubt you.

Mar 01, 2017 9:52 AM

He claims he isn't doubting me or calling me crazy. Hence the fight because i really feel he is and he feels I'm making that up so that i have something to be upset about.
He also has told me he isn't sure if what i say is real or exaggerated since my whole family exaggerates a lot of things.
I've told him how these things make me feel like he's doubting me and that i can't do anything right. Then he asks why I'm making things up in my head to get mad about. Then i just feel like a burden and worthless and like the world would be better off without me.
I know i have issues. Everyone does.
And i know that getting upset about something will exasperate the problem, but i don't get mad until something makes me sick or i get comments like that. And let's pretend that it is all in my head for a second and that some subconscious part of me has decided that i will get sick to a lot of different things exactly how does one fix that? I don't know. My therapist just keeps saying I'm being too hard in myself and need to lower my standards.

Mar 01, 2017 10:09 AM

Would bringing your bf to your next therapist session or the one after that to make sure your therapist is happY to explain to him how this is affecting you....both his doubting and the fact that all this is real and they aren't made up responses or an overreaction ?
It's a really hard one to get someone to understand

Mar 01, 2017 10:32 AM

It can be hard dealing with people like that. I get the same thing instead of with stress. The first time I went to the doctor for constant headaches, he gave me a handout on how to stress less. I just kept thinking "I'd be less stressed if I wasn't in pain all the time." It's hard not to have an emotional reaction to pain, unfortunately, all most people can see is the reaction, and the emotion is something they can understand. It may be that he's just trying to find a way to understand your pain. I also know that people will try to make things into something you can change, like somehow if you change your attitude about it, you can make your pain go away. We know this doesn't work, but they don't, and they want your pain to go away. I struggled a lot with depression for a long time before I got physically sick (or at least diagnosed). I would spend days in bed because I felt like nothing mattered, too the outside observer, it looks the same now. Although depression causes physical symptoms, they were nothing compared to now. I still look back wryly at all the times I wished I could feel something. When I was going through that, the only emotion I could really feel was anger, so I'd get angry a lot. It never hurt me, it usually made me feel better, a way to bypass the hopelessness. So far be it for me to tell you to stop being angry, but it could be something to try. I know just turning off your emotions is impossible, but you can work on making them not so visible. For example, I used to yell and scream when I got mad, it was a very visible way of expressing my emotion. But now, when I'm mad, I just smile, gritting my teeth, and act extra sweet. I sometimes explain my pain in the same way, with a smile. It's definitely not a real smile, but when people see you having (or faking) a good attitude, you go from being a victim to a fighter in their eyes. Obviously you're fighting anyway, but sometimes people need you to tell them calmly that you are in a lot of pain, without exaggerating, to understand it is not a result of your emotional toil, but the cause of it.
I hope this made even a little bit of sense. I don't really have a great solution for you, since your situation is different from my own. But remember, you still have the right to be upset with anyone who doubts the validity of your pain. In my case, my roommate told me that psychosomatic pain was still real and I could still feel it, but I had to take him through, point by point, on why that wasn't what was happening to me.

Mar 01, 2017 11:48 AM

I can relate to you on so many levels. Its hard, frustrating and can be a trigger.
Cause any of us who is suffering in pain, why the hell would we want to embellish. We got that much time on our hands to conquer up schemes to find ways out...( insert sarcasm 🤔)
Sorry that just brought on a trigger in me. I wish some could have compassion, knowledge instead of such ignorance.
Thinking of you🤗❤

Mar 02, 2017 12:40 AM

If I can be the devil's advocate here. I certainly know how emotional you can react to pain, I'm going through this myself. But all this emotion to something that isn't going away any time soon costs me too much energy. I've been seeing a psychologist for a few times now, so I can learn to accept the pain and it doesn't become this huge thing in my life that prevents me from doing so many things.

About your boyfriend, remember that he loves you and wants the best for you. But he really doesn't understand you. Because he is not feeling what you are feeling. So can you really blame him (or anyone else for that matter) for not understanding? Would you wish your condition on him so he could understand? I call it blissfull ignorance. Try to realise that it really isn't in his ability to understand, because it is such a foreign concept.

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