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When will i catch a break?

Oct 18, 2015 7:07 AM

So last week my norspan patch ran out and i had every intention of filling a new prescription for it but with my sister in law visiting i didn't get to do it until today. Since it has been a few days without it i have been so sick with withdrawals. But worst of all my tremors are back with a vengeance. I didn't sleep at all last night and feel the same will happen again tonight. I am not coping with things in my life atm so am very fragile. Last night i crumbled and self harmed for the first time in months. My husband didn't even notice which is good in a way as he doesn't understand why i do it. I just hope this doesn't leave me totally disfunctional tomorrow. Kids have school and i have responsibilities. I just wish i could get out of my own head for a while. 😒

Oct 18, 2015 7:56 AM

I Oh, dear, i am so sorry you are here going through this. I understand self harm. I was actually considering it yesterday. I was remembering what it did for me when i did do it. Then my "roommate" aka boyf walked in the room and all of a sudden wants to hang out. Whatever.

Anyway, I may have missed it, did you get your medicine filled? (sorry went back and read it, you did get it filled).

I hope your physical wounds heal quickly and please know you're not alone. Do you have someone like a counselor or psychologist you can talk to that you trust? Or a hotline you can call when you feel like self harming again?

I know what you mean about catching a break. I want to go his beneath a rock, put my head in the sand, run away to an island where only my friends live (online and IRL) and we'd all get along. It would be an island that is on a magnetic field that takes away or diseases and our pain and it also balances all chemistry in our brains so we are no longer depressed or anxious.

πŸ’œπŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•hoping you get through this day πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’œ
Big hugs and lots of love and Hope from Ms Kitty 😼 and all my four legged bambinos. (and in this island none of us would be allergic to anything. I could eat shrimp and fish without dying. Heck, I could be around it cooking without almost dying lol)

Oct 18, 2015 8:01 AM

Ok I'm not a doctor, and am just sharing my thoughts and experiences, without judgement, hoping they are helpful and taken with the love they are given with. I hope you feel better very soon and beat this. I'm so sorry you're suffering!

Have you considered regular counseling to work on why it started in the first place? Abuse issues, codependency, and other issues are often triggers. Your meds have to come first, taking as prescribed and never allowing to run out. It's very painful and hard on you mentally and physically as you know to go through this. Obviously it's a stressor you can't handle without serious repercussions (self harm). Do you have an action plan when you feel like self harming? An example is drawing a figure (a pretend version of you) and then drawing what you want to do instead of doing it. Another is journaling and identifying triggers and figuring out how to avoid and also what to do if a trigger comes up instead of hurting yourself. Part of self harm is releasing endorphins, natural pain relief, part of it is control, part of it is being frazzled, many theories, but the beginning and end is that you need a plan. First part of a good plan is that it can't allow for self harm and involve good alternatives. Do you have someone to call instead? If nothing else, most areas have a crisis line, free counsellors and all. It's a good way to get talked through the urge to safety. Now for the Dr Phil straight up no holding the punches advice: you've got kids and a husband. Whatever is going on, it's your God given responsibility to learn how to identify your danger zone and when you're lost in pain, know how to pull your mind and heart back. For most people, thinking about others pulls them away from drowning in their own negative feelings, compulsions, and sorrows. How? - focusing on compassion and helping others, thinking positively about wanting to best live up to our responsibilities to loved ones (thinking how can I be the best mom to x today &/or what does x need today that I can give or how can I make x's day brighter), or at the very least thinking of others not as fortunate as ourselves, and there is always someone worse off like thinking at least I'm not a starving kid in India or at least I'm blessed with a family when so many people are line,y etc. it's impossible to drown in our own crazy if we don't first decide to obsessively think of ourselves - you can't go off the deep end if you're not focused on yourself. Even if it takes finding a focal point on the wall and staring at it, and consciously thinking about the texture, what it looks like, anything but thoughts of self, and you're well on your way to getting away from the compulsion. Prayer doesn't hurt either. Lots of web sites have great advice on having a plan of what to do besides self harm. It IS serious, could not only hurt u, even kill u, but could cause deep psychological damage to your kids and possibly end your marriage. Not only that, but research shows that there may be a genetic component, so in overcoming this you may learn how to conquer the demon so to speak and then be able to help if God forbid one of your kids develops the problem or better you may be able to identify signs before it's a problem and save your child from a lot of suffering. But if you're not ok, you can't help anyone else. And if you're not ok, you can't be fully present for your kids. It is not about guilt or shame or anything. It's a compulsion, an addiction, and one few recover from without professional help. My advice is pitiful and only would help if you're just a little ways down the road. Even if you are, a counselor would be a sure bet and a safe bet for getting you healthier and making sure you can be the mom you want to be, your best self...

Oct 18, 2015 8:02 AM

Cheers kitty. Yes there is a number and i have called it many times. I have just started working with a new therapist so still working it out. I just wish valium would work

Oct 18, 2015 8:23 AM

To kinda understand some of the chemical side of what's happening, it does light up the reward system of the brain - the same parts of the brain illegal drugs do, alcohol does etc. also related to obsessive behavior, which stems from anxiety but doesn't respond to anti anxiety meds. All that anti anxiety meds really help are panic attacks, and they just treat the symptom without fixing the problem. However, some mood stabilizers (and possibly some antidepressants) do help with self injury, and work with neurotransmitters to lower anxiety and reduce obsessive behaviors caused by imbalances in brain chemistry. If you haven't seen a psychiatrist, you may want to in order be evaluated because you may have a chemical imbalance that would benefit from medication. I used to be very opposed, but have since seen many cases where it made a world of difference and changed lives, and I've seen many cases where the meds were only needed short term (6 mos or less). They kind of served to help reset the brain chemistry I'm told, and helped to make it easier to make life changes necessary to build a solid foundation & overcome self injury once and for all. However, even with a great doc, it may take a trial of a half dozen different meds to get it right. For those who need that help though, it's very worth it. Other people luck out and find the right med for them right off the bat. In any case, my family has been through a lot related to self injury (multiple family members, my husbands family and someone in mine) and so I've been exposed to a lot of info related to it. I'm certainly no expert, but whatever you do, if you dont have a plan of what to do instead of self harm, please please work to make one. Are you discussing this with the counselor? What do they say? Take care, I know marriage and kids can be overwhelming when you're well, and as another person in pain, I definitely understand it's a million times harder if you're not!

Oct 18, 2015 8:48 AM

Fallen, I'm really scared for you. If you don't mind my asking, what did you end up doing to yourself? I have been thinking of you since our conversation yesterday and was afraid that this would happen. I know how very hard you are having it. I have also skipped meds because of something I had to do or because I was seeing someone and didn't want to be zoned or tired. Never, ever go without your medication to the point of withdrawals for anyone!! YOU are the one suffering and the one who suffers more for skipping. I wish that you would have contacted me. Yesterday J was feeling more comfortable when you said the meds were kicking in and you were hoping for sleep. Where are you located? Are you in the States? I would be more than happy to give you my phone number and you can call me day or night no matter the time if you need to talk with someone who understands. I am sending you several {{{{Hugs}}}} and my prayers that you find the strength to keep moving forward. As I told you yesterday, I will be here, by your side, holding your hand, listening and helping wherever I can. Hang onto that voice that you love so and let it remind you of how very much you are loved. Remember the blessings of your children and how much they love and need you. It doesn't matter how bad things get, you take care of your family, make sure your kids are safe, fed and schooled and that makes you a strong, amazing woman!!! To go theough what you do and take care of a household takes a lot since there are no "sick days" or vacations line there would be if you were on your own. Remember to step back and look at all of the GOOD things in your life and the things that you are still able to do. Just the fact that you skipped your meds and still were functioning says a lot (even though it has brought you to where you are at the moment). Remember that you have a friend here (you will find MANY here). I care and you are in my prayers today and always. πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»

Oct 18, 2015 8:54 AM

And to answer your question: you'll catch a break when you let yourself have one! It sounds like you're working through a lot, but it also sounds like you have a lot of stuff you haven't tried yet and that there is a lot of hope. The whole drawing focus outside yourself thing is because you can't feel bad unless your living in your feelings, what I mean is if you aren't feeling your feelings and you're able to refocus your thoughts, you can give your mind & heart a breather & when you go back to thinking about whatever is upsetting you, you'll be better able to deal with it. Thinking about anything when you're very emotional is a dead end. Easier said than done,i know. However, I read a psychology study that involved Buddhists that found that people who regularly meditated on compassion, no fancy technique, just thinking deeply about compassion, were far happier. What's more, if people chose to meditate on compassion when upset and even when very emotionally disturbed, if had a de-escalating effect. That is to say, meditating on compassion helps people to get through difficult times by calming them down mentally and even physically (heart rate and BP also go down!). So, thinking about others positively can help us get through our own emotional pain. Other techniques of turning focus from feelings to other things can help people get through the irrationally emotional stage where it's overwhelming and be a kind of bridge to sanity. It's kind of like when you're doing all you can not to cry at work or other inappropriate times and you distract yourself and manage to hold it in. Interestingly, I've also read more women than men self injure, and one possible reason may be that men generally have greater ability to turn emotions off temporarily when it's needed, kind of an emotional breaker switch. If one can turn off their feelings for a bit, the they can kind of let the aves settle and then deal with whatever is going on when it's not too much to handle. Not that it's all about will, it's also an addiction/anxiety/stress and so many other things kind of problem that shouldn't be oversimplified. However, again, have had family members with issues and seen a lot firsthand, been to many counselling sessions, read lots of books, and this is stuff that did help.
Maybe you said it! Maybe you need an actual break, like even a day or two alone (but not if that's risky as far as harm). Or a day or two in a low stress environment? Is there any way you can think of to get a break for a day or two?And if not, how about for a few hours? Sometimes it's also making the most of time we have and usually don't- like taking long bath with candles after the kids go to school or after everyone is in bed. Epsom salt baths are great, relaxing and help pain! They have Epsom salts at the dollar store here, so a luxury most can afford. If you need some time better to find a way and take it than hurt yourself and risk so much!

Oct 18, 2015 9:10 AM

You out really scared me too. Forgive my long posts, just hoping something may help. Clearly you're not taking good care of yourself. You have got to got to got to take care you or you can't possibly do well looking after the kids, being the best mom you can be, or much of a wife either. You're risking days of being nonfunctional and worse than a few bad days, many doctors will stop seeing you if you're not responsible about getting your meds on time. I dont understand why you didn't make sure you filled the meds before you were out? Or did you run out early? Not only can you go through withdrawals but you also can have a heart attack or stroke if your pain levels spike high enough, it's a huge stressor on your body. It sounds like another way you made yourself suffer too. If I were your counselor, I'd ask you why you feel you should suffer. That may be part of the key to healing. Please please be honest and forthcoming with your counselor about the self injury and not filling your meds, both are a big deal and you really need some help if you're hurting in the first place and even moreso if you're hurting when you could've prevented it but didn't.

This also made me think of the concept of Positive Selfishness. many good articles about this, and good pages - here is a quote from a discussion about women, motherhood, and positive selfishness: http://www.alumni.emory.edu/emorywire/issues/2014/may/of_interest/story_1/index.html#.ViOlt0pHarU

Selfishness does not always mean β€œdoing something.” Positive Selfishness is also a mindset. It means setting limits and boundaries when needed. It also means saying β€œNO!” at times, in order to preserve much-needed energy and take care of oneself as an also urgent necessity. Do I dare say that it means putting one’s own needs above others at times? Yes, I do."

Oct 18, 2015 1:20 PM

{{{{fallenπŸ’•πŸ’–πŸ™}}}} I hope you come talk to us soon. I did something similar recently it's very scary. Much love to you.

Oct 18, 2015 1:27 PM

Fallen, thinking of you today. Really hope you understand how much we care for you here and thanks, Flappys for asking the question. I wanted to ask but I just presumed (how presumptuous of me!) that it was something like i would have done. But I realize we area all so different.

You've got your own cheerleading squad over here. Please know that! Big hugs and lots of hope

Oct 19, 2015 2:40 AM

I wish i could hug each and everyone of you.😒😒😒 I had another night of tremors and got so desperate i took a lot of valium and contacted lifeline. I didn't overdose as it just made me so drowsy i was non functional and my husband took the day off to take care of the kids. He made a doctor's appointment for me and some of my pain meds have been increased. In good news i had a good day pain wise but the mental side still struggling with. The mental service rang today and i had to explain myself which i hate doing. I try so many times to talk openly to my husband but it feels like he really doesn't get it. I spent most of last night trying ANYTHING to fall asleep but with no luck. I tried the breathing exercises my psychologist gave me but when you can be still for even a few seconds it is pointless and made me more anxious. I have not had contact with my mum as she is the #1 trigger for me. I am very lucky to have so many of you in my corner and i can't thank you enough. You have no idea how much you all mean to me. I am in Australia but i wish i could meet each and everyone of you. If ever you come down under please letme know so i can meet you. I have never had so many people believe and worry about me and it is a good feeling. I will take on everything you have all said and i will try my best to be my best. Fingers crossed for sleep tonight. Xxxx

Oct 19, 2015 8:50 AM

I am crossing my fingers for you, fallen. Have a friend in Australia and i confess some of my favorite tv shows are made in australia.I have always dreamed of going down under. :)

And I agree with you. I've never found such an amazing support group. I just pray that we stay this way no matter how large our community grows! :) we have some amazing and devoted people here who look out for one another and help lift our spirits when we need it and cheer us on.

Anyway, I know it's frustrating to go through all the stuff you have with yet another doctor,or nurse or staff. It always scars me whenever i have to go through it bc I have so much going on (a # of diseases that even i can't count accurately) I'm afraid they'll never believe me. But you've got us to help you through it. I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem to get it, that's one of the worst feelings.

More soon, I've got to call the doctors office. Big hugs and lots of healing energy coming your way

Oct 19, 2015 8:57 AM

Fallen, I am glad that you have found a safe haven here with us. Know that it's not your hubby's fault for not getting it. Pain is something most people can't understand unless they live it. My own Mother suffered terribly with migraines. As a little girl, I would sit on the bed with her in a dark room and rub her back and brush her hair to help her relax and ease the pain. SHE doesn't understand what happens with me. One day I told her to remember her worst migraine and then to think of having that same migraine every day, 24/7/365 with no relief. She got it for about a day and then it was forgotten (which I guess is easier to do when you have no pain). I know that with the additional pain meds and what relief they will give you for your pain, the mental issues will begin to settle down too. Believe me, I have been suicidal. I never even told anyone. I just took a bunch of pills and drank a bottle of bourbon and went to bed thinking I would not wake the next day. Well, thank God that I did. It has been over 25 years since that happened and I have felt suicidal since then but have never acted upon it and always voice how I am feeling. I hope that you find peace of mind and things settle for you. Know that the feelings you have are valid and there is no need to be shameful or embarrassed. Also, you are right in knowing that you have an entire group of people that not only believe in you but genuinely care about you as well. I hope you can get some rest. I'm here if you need me. Love, {{{Hugs}}} and prayers. πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»

Oct 20, 2015 9:18 AM

Fallen, I'm just getting to read this. I'm heartbroken you felt so despondent, and I'm afraid for you. Everyone's advice is very good. You do need a plan, professional counseling to help you find out why you self harm & to work through the psychological burden your pain is causing, an emergency contact for support (crisis line), and a relaxing outlet every day just for you, even if it's only 15-30 minutes. Without these you are very likely to do this again.

Someone very close to me, from childhood, was a self harmer and throughout our lives was constantly doing life threatening actions. In their mid 30-early 40's they poured lighter fluid on themself and clicked the lighter. Thankfully their family heard their screams and was able to extinguish the fire. But the repercussions have been life long for everyone who knows them, but especially the daughter who saw incident, and the parents. This friend has physical scars to remind them of that terrible night. But thank God they received psychological counseling while in the burn ICU, that not only helped them heal emotionally from self harm, but also got the proper diagnoses and medications, a major contributor to the self harm behavior (misdiagnosed & medicated 30+ years). I'm very glad to say this very close friend has learned behavior modification techniques that keeps them from harm, and allows refocus from their problems to others they do not want to cause suffering to.

You are very worthy in God's eyes, as worthy as I and everyone else on the face of this earth. He loves you more than anyone else loves you. This community is part of your support line, but you need someone there you can turn to our call on at any time. Don't let shame or pride stop you from seeking help, even if your doc says you need to be in an inpatient program. It could not only save your life, but help your family, children. They need their mother. But as CamiCalifornia said, you must take care of yourself first. Be completely open and honest with your spouse and your doctors. Hiding facts is part of why my friend embedded up nearly dying. They're now totally honest with everyone.

Take care of yourself first, so you can then care for others. (((Hugs)))! You are in my prayers! From one of your CMP friends, you are so loved and important to us all. Life experiences give you knowledge to share and help others, just as I shared my friends story. May God bring you peace and support, professional and online, so that you can work through all this and defeat the "self harming" behaviour; in Jesus's name I pray! πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Oct 20, 2015 9:32 AM

Fallen don't know if I've asked b4 where in Aus are you? I'm in SA☺☺

Oct 20, 2015 9:59 AM

Fallen, I was a self harmed as a teenager, I've recognized as an adult that for me personally it was a pain that I had control over. I grew up in a physical, emotional, and sexual abuse situation. I am in no way saying self harm is okay, I'm just saying that in some ways I understand. I am not in the same situation as you so I can't say I completely understand. You're desire or need for self harm may be totally different than mine was. After I moved away from my family the urge to self harm disappeared. I attempted suicide twice once when I was 12 and then in 2011. My eldest daughter had moved out, my little one wasn't even thought a possibility yet. My pain management doctor cut me off all my meds cold turkey because I took some excedrin and ibuprofen together for a migraine that wouldn't leave. I felt like I had nothing to live for any longer. My baby sister comitted suicide in 2009, 9'months later my beloved brother in law and older sister were in an automobile accident and her husband did not survive. I just felt like my life was not worth a penny. Everyone leaves, I still have a hard time letting myself get too attached to others. From one survivor to another, you can make it through this. Cognitive behavioral therapy really does help along with many other treatment therapies out there. Our lil bubs need us to fight for our mental health so we can break these cycles and raise healthy happy people. You are a wonderful person, I can tell from the few times I have talked to you. You are a kindred spirit. You have seen and know great pain both physical and mental. You're still here and that says a lot about your strength. I once went to a psychiatrist in my mid 20's he made me really angry. I never went back to see him. He told me that I should pat myself on the back and be proud of myself. That he had patients that had been through less than I and were non functional. Why that made me mad I still don't fully understand. Perhaps I didn't feel worthy of those comments.

You are in my prayers and know that healing is available. You have to take it and accept it. You are worth more than all the riches in the world. God tells us that and he means what he says. No judgement from me, a pair of broad shoulders and big ears though. Anytime you need to talk I'm here. My personal email is vikinglover71@live.com πŸ˜€πŸ˜œβœŒοΈπŸ’œ

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