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why me?

Nov 10, 2015 8:37 AM

Here goes my rants again...

I'm sitting here in the hospital staring at the wall just wondering "why me?" Why did I have to get this, why?
Sometimes I regret playing at recess that day in school in that caused this. I usually would sit on a bench with friends and make bracelets, but for some reason that day I decided to play on the monkey bars...why did I decide to do that? Why did I have to ruin my life at 11? Its been 7 years now, and I still haven't accepted it. I'm 18, feeling 80. I'm 18, relying on medicine and doctors. I'm 18, and stuck in a hospital unable to get out of this bed, hooked up to cords, and IVs. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. I can't even cry anymore, there's just nothing left. I feel hopeless. I just want all of this to end. Doctors can't seem to do anything to fix it, they can't even lower my pain. I can't eat, I can't drink. Tremors attack me all threw out the night. I can't even take sleeping medicine anymore.

Why me? Why have I been stuck in this damn hole since I was 11....

Nov 10, 2015 8:49 AM

Oh Jenna... My heart is aching for you. You did what you did at 11 because that's what you do!! You are invincible at that age (or so we always thought) and you had fun. I wish I had an answer for you Sweetie as to why you. I don't. I know you're feeling done, please don't give up. There are people who love and care for you and your pain family is all here praying and standing at the ready to try and help you and let you know that you are not alone. God will see you through this, he always does. They say that he will never put more On your plate than you can handle. I know you're thinking, yeah, right!! It's true though. Only He knows what you can handle and only He has the reason that you must endure what you do. If I could wave a magic wand and take it away, there would be no need for pain doctors ever again. I know you feel your rope is short, here, hang onto mine. My hand is right there, hold onto it. My shoulder is right here, lay your head on it and close your eyes. I won't leave you. I'll sing quiet songs and gently rock you to soothe your soul. In right there and sitting beside you. Tell me what I can do. You're not alone. Breathe... Deep and cleansing breaths. Think of something you love. It's ok Jenna, you're going to be ok. Hold on, Sweetie. Sending love, gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers your way. 💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Nov 10, 2015 9:13 AM

Jenna I know your heart hurts along with everything else. However u have nkt been forgotten you r nkt alone . we all at some point ask this very question. And I don't think any of us have an answer. All I can add to what alwayz has said is to lean on your family as much as u can and lean on us. If u feel like breaking come.here post here and let us help you. We know..we understand a d we will cry for u. When u feel u have nothing and u just can't please don't give up. The one thing you can't see right now is that u have a good day coming I can see it. We just need u to hold on. Just a little longer you have a good day coming and we want to hear all about. In the meantime. Rest just lay back with eyed closed. Count backwards from 10 and just breath. It's gonna be OK.. It will.

Nov 10, 2015 9:19 AM

I hear you. Hospitals, especially, make you feel awful. With constant blood draws, around the clock blood pressure measurements, and just the food... Don't get me started! You end up feeling like just an object. Recognize YOU MATTER! You are not just a diagnosis...you are a unique, creative individual with a contribution to make in this life. Maybe it's to teach someone close to you how to have compassion. Because nothing says "you need to care for me" like a chronic illness. Past situations that got you where you are...are just that past circumstances. You had no control over what happened. You were just being a kid. I look at the past like this... Mistakes are not mistakes if you learned from them.. Those circumstances, that are called mistakes, are really just lessons learned. Take today in minute by minute steps. Breathe deeply (unless the patient in the bed next to you has just pooped). But seriously, when the negative self talk comes... Remember, You are stronger than most! You have lived with a chronic illness! And most would cower at that situation in life. Let yourself mourn what you have lost insofar as being independent from others help. But allow yourself to also remember YOU MATTER...and most of all you are a "spoonie" now...and you are not alone.

Nov 10, 2015 10:25 AM

We all ask why me it is a normal process. One you have learned way to young with pain.

I always tell myself if it wasn't this maybe it would be something even worse and although it may not seem like it sometimes it could be worse.

There are so many issues in life I have went through to me this seems like one more. I have made it through the other bads (to many to count) so god, higher power what ever that believes I am strong enough to handle this I can not question or understand.

I just have to believe that this is a journey, albeit a path forced to take, that will make me stronger in someway, that will lead me to a different life but that I will learn, recover in someway and be content within myself again.

That said at times I still bawl like a baby, scream, cry, beg for it to stop and of course ask why me. Sometimes you just need to give yourself permission to have a good old fashioned tantrum...as long as you set a limit then force yourself to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start fighting the battle again.

For some reason the boundin' pixar short helps me (on youtube). It is funny with meaning and who doesn't like a jackalope?

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