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Would I trade my life for an easier one?

Apr 29, 2016 6:16 AM

I get asked this question quite often from people that I know and that have known me for years. The question was, "Amanda, would you trade your life of chronic illness and pain with someone else?" When I first started out on this journey, the answer would have been YES in a heartbeat. I hated the chronic illness, pain and fatigue that I felt on a daily basis. Just recently, my thoughts and feelings began to change in a good way. After having gone through so much in the last couple of years, my answer now would be No, not in a million years would I trade. Firstly, because I don't want ANYBODY to have to deal with the chronicity of my illness and have to deal with the emotional and mental stuff that goes with it(anxiety, depression, etc). Secondly, I have been taught so much by going through this. First and foremost, faith. My faith has gotten me through some very bad and evil days, when nothing seemed to go right and I didn't know which way to turn. All I could do was just look up. The other things that I have been taught is that I have a mouth, and that I need to speak up, if something doesn't sound right. Trust me, I've had to do that many times this last year. Also, it has given me strength to keep fighting another day, and patience. I STILL need to work on that one cause I do get VERY impatient. I know this is getting to be long but there are more: perseverance, hope, and love.
Blessings to all. Have to go to an early appointment. Will check back in later today.

Apr 29, 2016 9:45 AM

Amanda, I'm right beside you on everything you said! At times I think it would be good if others could experience our burden, kind of like men wearing a fake pregnancy belly all day in order to understand a mother's burden. Maybe they could wear a loaded bodysuit that has weights in various places, and electrodes that send various alternating pain signals to body areas, and squeezing or throbbing sensations. If they wore one for even a we hours, maybe it would change their attitudes towards those who do suffer. But to give someone else these chronic issues I bear... absolute not! Hugs & prayers you have a blessed day! 🙂💕🙏🌼

Apr 29, 2016 11:12 AM

Flappys, as I look back at that post, I start getting emotional about it. It just feels like sometimes I just want to look up and say, "Lord, why me?" "Why must I be going through this now?" But then I look at it, and say to myself, I can be a light in someone's darkness. I can be a light for them to follow, even when they are scared or hurting and don't know which way to turn.

Apr 29, 2016 12:42 PM

I think it's only human to question: why me?, when is it enough? when's it going to stop? I've done so several times when feeling overwhelmed. Then I listen to music and relax, remembering I will get through this and He's always there with me. Big hugs!! 🙂💕🙏🌼

May 18, 2016 5:55 AM

I've thought a lot about trading my life with someone who's already made it to heaven. Just not willing to off myself to get there. Not suicidal but certainly at the point where I'm not sure I'd argue if someone had a gun at my head and needed to pull the trigger. How pathetic am I? My mom thinks I'm so strong and I guess I'm a victim after all. Ugh. I disgust me.

May 18, 2016 5:56 AM

Sorry for the pathetic post. Can't delete it. The app hasn't come that far so if you would please ignore it, I would appreciate it. #ashamed

May 19, 2016 1:25 PM

This is NOT a pathetic post, it's how you feel. There is nothing we can do about how we feel about things. You're going through really rough times and you're strong and you're no victim!! Get your head out of that mode or I'll slap it out or you!! (I'll beat you with the tambourine you stole from me). You know I love you and am here for you to lean on. You've got my number... USE IT!!! {{{Hugs}}}💕😍

May 19, 2016 7:42 PM

Phoenixrising, don't be ashamed. There are many of us who've felt that same way at some point... Not wanting to commit suicide, but really wishing death would end it. You're not pathetic for saying so. Big hugs!!! 🙂💕🙏🌼

May 19, 2016 10:15 PM

"Heaven sounding sweeter all the time", but "I've got so much to thank Him for". so I will stick around and watch my 3yr old son and my grandchildren my 21yr old and 19yr old daughters gave me grow up and celebrate life even in my pain. Believe me there is no shame in feeling that heaven is better then the pain of fibromyalgia,osteoarthritis, all the anxiety and depression that goes with them. Praying for you all.

May 20, 2016 6:58 AM

I totally agree with you Amazinggrace! I'll suffer through just to be with my family! 🙂💕🙏🌼

May 20, 2016 10:05 AM

Me too!!! And, of course, to make my peeps feel better and give them a laugh or two along the way. (I mean my post looks real compassionate right?? LOL!!) I am though and PhoenixRising knows that I'm on her side. I'm with all my fellow pain warriors. Love you all and sending out positive vibes, gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers for a lighter pain day. 💕🙏🏻🌻😊

May 20, 2016 10:15 AM

Didn't sleep well last night had to be up at 5 a.m. My sister brought her grandson over who is 2 for me to watch while she goes to the heart doctor. Watching Levi and my 3yr old Kizaac play puts a smile on anyone's face pain or no pain. God is good all the time I am blessed and that's what keeps me.

May 20, 2016 1:28 PM

Just want to say you are not pathetic as i was in that frame.of mind only a day ago and i actually had the pills in my hand to take. I am not suicidal myseld but i had enough i have all different ailments going on with me and all i could say was enough is enough i thought there was no other way out for me but reading these posts and talking to people that i have never met or spoken to haa some what helped me and they have all being on these sights dont give up be strong and your life is yours even though we carnt always control what happens to it or our health but we are alive to watch things and learn new things all the time
Hugs and thoughts with u x

May 20, 2016 3:38 PM

Smurf, I'm so glad you didn't take those pills, because now I've/we've been blessed with another friend! 🙂💕🙏🌼

May 20, 2016 3:41 PM

FlappysLady81 so true! Thank you God the hand that is holding Smurfs.

Jun 30, 2016 6:35 AM

I am in tears... i have walked in shoes of desperation, wanting a comaa or worse... i have 4 children whom i adore, & who have always stopped me reading this from the other side!

Its the ugliest part of me... but i would rather bare all of their pain, than any one of them suffer what i do for a moment!.

Its been over 13 years in chonic pain... i just picked up 2 new degenerative spinal diagnoses... but whats interesting is... i went to see a neww osteo yesterday (he studied my mris b4 i had my appointment and refuses to 'crack' me as it is so bad)... he does awesome acupuncture tho... anyway he asked me a question that he askes all of his patients...

"...if i could take just ONE of ur pain symptoms away... which one would it be?"

He looked me right in the eyes and waited patiently for my reply...

My eyes began to fill, and i could not decide which layer of my PAIN-ONION i would most like taken away!

Nobody, in over ten years, had asked me that! "Hard to choose???" He asked...And then it hit me... i looked him right in the eyes, and said...

"None of them!... they are all part of me, they make me who i am!"

"I did not expect that!" He said. In all my 30 years of practice... i have never heard anyone say that!"

I went on to say... "I just want u to help me cope with it... thats all... thats all i can ask of you?"

I guess I've been playing this game for long enough to know, no one has a magic wand to take away my pain, so i accept it is part of who i am... it gives me the ability to have great empathy & connection with real insight... I wouldnt want to give that up for anything!

I realised, I just really really 'FEEL'... everything! From the crushing pain in my spine... to the energy of a stranger across the room!

It is as much a GIFT...as it is a CURSE, but it is MINE!

You cannot help the way u feel... but i can promise you are not alone... we all walk (or roll ;) this path - u only need to hold out your hand, and someone will grab on!

Wow! Sometimes i dont know who i am...lol! I get exhausted, frustrated & angry too... im still learning who i am :)

Hugs lulabel ❤

Jun 30, 2016 9:34 AM

Amanda- Good for you. You are my inspiration for the day. Thank you. ✌❤️

Jul 01, 2016 2:22 AM

Tiny, as I look back on yesterday, I was to the point of thinking "If only I had let my spinal surgeon fuse L4-5 back in May, this pain would be gone or less then it is now. Not necessarily for me, because it would have opened up a whole other can of worms along with it. So even though I might still be in serious discomfort this morning, I just have to grin and bear it for now. Yes, it is exhausting. And I understand on the frustrated and angry part. If I even turn the wrong way, there goes the whole freaking day. But it's just part of my life for now.

Jul 01, 2016 4:50 AM

Amamdamiddleton1234, Tinydancer,Amazinggrace, Smurf45, , Phoenixrising, Flappyslady81, Alwayzinpain, Lulabel ...... All of you, if I named you or not....I need you. You've made an impression on me already. Whether you've felt the desperation or not, you have got all of us. You may be new here like me or been here since the beginning but we're all here because we need eachother. Could you imagine the pain to hear that we no longer had one of our group? Let me tell you what that's like......
My older sister by 4 years committed suicide a couple years ago. She was suffering physically with a new onset of back pain and just could not find relief. Her physicians started her on Lyrica and within 3 weeks she was gone (that is a side effect, be careful). As her family, we are devastated. As her sister I am still at a loss for words. She left a note so we know the pain was too much to bear but we still don't understand. My mom is no longe the woman she once was. I wish I knew she had felt that way. What did I miss? Could I have said something different? I know she knows I love her but did she really know how much? I hope so!
We cannot let this happen. We need everything that each one of us brings here. When you feel you can't take it or you think nobody gets It or nobody cares...I beg you to remember there is someone on here any time of day and any day of the year. You are not alone. We really do love each other and we really do get it. The fight must go on. If you already havent, and I would be suprised if you had not, you will be the answer that one of us needs. Today...I need you!

Jul 01, 2016 5:35 AM

Hi judylynn... u r so right... i am so sorry for ur emotional grief... i have come close to it myself... i absolutely can not allow my children say their mum committed suicide... that and my dog Hendrix! Hes saved me many times!

Much love lulabel

Jul 01, 2016 9:26 AM

I may not have the best responses or advice but know that I am here. I am listening. ✌️❤️

Jul 01, 2016 9:37 AM

Amanda- key words. "For now"

Jul 01, 2016 5:53 PM

Tiny, as I sit back and look at my response last night, I think to myself, "Yet not my will, but thine be done."

Jul 01, 2016 7:27 PM

Luvmylabmolly, I'm so sorry about your sister! Whether friends or family, the pain of losing them to suicide always changes those left behind. Even unsuccessful attempts leave scars that cut deep & longer for many. My family has suffered twice, along with a close friend a year ago. And I've fought that depressive demon myself. Like you said, we all need each other. Hugs, love, & prayers to all! 🙂💕🙏🌼

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